Gawker's Fruit Rankings Are Terrible So I Made My Own and They're Much Better

Categories: Lists

If I were rich I would hire a part-time mango preparer, with the potential of going full-time.
Gawker is actually ranking fruits. How pointless is that?

Let's break down their rankings and rank the fruits of the world ourselves.

27. Fig
26. Date
25. Honeydew
24. Papaya
23. Cantaloupe
22. Blackberry
21. Pear

20. Raspberry
19. Apricot
18. Pineapple
17. Guava
16. Lemon
15. Plum
14. Strawberry
13. Apple
12. Grape
11. Grapefruit
10. Kiwi
9. Orange
8. Pomegranate
7. Lime
6. Watermelon
5. Banana
4. Cherry
3. Peach
2. Mango
1. Blueberry

Terrible, right? The strawberry, blackberry, raspberry and plum are obviously too low, while the top 10 is marred by the presence of the lime, the orange and the banana, all serviceable but by no means indispensable fruits.

Here are the correct rankings. Like Gawker, we claim the following to be infallible. Unlike Gawker's, ours actually are.

20. Watermelon
19. Pomegranate
18. Banana*
17. Grape
16. Cantaloupe
15. Papaya
14. Orange
13. Apple
12. Cherry
11. Pear
10. Apricot
9. Blueberry
8. Kiwi
7. Pineapple
6. Mango**
5. Blackberry
4. Plum
3. Raspberry
2. Strawberry
1. Peach

Also receiving votes: Figs, grapefruit, guava, lemon, dates***, honeydew

*I heard once that bananas constipate you, so I haven't had one since 2006. But I hear good things.
**Mango would be No. 1 if it wasn't so much damn work.
***Dates wrapped in bacon are definitely in the top 10****.
****I guess that's true of pretty much everything.

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ScottsMerkin topcommenter

bananas help cramps, especially from too much drinking


Mr. Mango on my shoulder.


the Apple, the fruit of original sin, should always be in the top 10 if not #1


"***Dates wrapped in bacon are definitely in the top 10****."

I try to wrap my dates in bacon but the ladies always seem to  object.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

I once had a fruit hats for cats business.  Some dastard unleashed millions of genetically altered fruit flies into my workshop and destroyed the entire inventory.

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