I Fucking Love Thanksgiving

Categories: Holidays

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Alice Laussade
That turkey should be worried.
(Editor's note: this post originally ran last year, but we can't think of Thanksgiving without Alice's succinct effing love of the holiday)

Alright, I know that 103.7 has already become The Christmas Station and grocery stores are already selling candy canes, but can we just hold the motherfucking Christmas phone for a second and be excited for Thanksgiving? The Day of Giving Thanks (AKA The Best Food Holiday of The Year AKA Overeatsgiving) cometh, bitches! And I, for one, am super hyped to eat a shit-ton of roasted root vegetables and stuffing straight out of a turkey's junk.

See also: The Best Dallas Thanksgiving Events

Thanksgiving, you're the best. I love every single damned thing about you from start to finish.

I love how Thanksgiving means it's time to trace your hand and draw a bunch of cute pictures of turkeys before we stuff them and eat them.

Turkey.jpg
Who's gonna eat those weird pickled beets my mom insists on garnishing the turkey with? This bitch.
I love how we pretend that back in the day, every land-stealing Pilgrim and every American Indian sat at the same ridiculously long dinner table on one glorious day in November and they were oh so thankful that they had each other around.

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There's no way this is how it looked. No fuckin' way. Ah well, pass the gravy!
I love a big ass side of mashed potatoes and muhfukkin' gravy.

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Bitch, you know those mashed potatoes better be 1/4 potatoes, 1/4 whipping cream, 1/4 butter and 1/4 salt.
I love how cranberry sauce is eaten as a side and not used as a sauce.


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23 comments
Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

This must be the "Yes Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus" but for Thanksgiving.

Pull it out every year and read it around the table, sorta like a prayer that you make it through the meal without telling your relatives to just die.

immagringo
immagringo

can you still fit into a normal sized office chair?    if you do.. can you get out of it without slipping the armrests from around your love handles?

immagringo
immagringo

man, what a mainstream, normal rockwell pos article with nothing relevant taking up precious bandwidth.

LaughAtWhitney
LaughAtWhitney

Yes this article is REALLY that funny. I would argue pee-your-pants funny.

CitizenKane
CitizenKane

I am so with you on that sandwich..............you prefer Hellman's or Mayo, but F the whole grain bread...... Pepperidge Farm white bread is best for a turkey samy.

Twinwillow
Twinwillow

I fucking love Thanksgiving! Best holiday we celebrate.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

One big MEH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Guess your "I love fucking..." headlines have lost their luster. 

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

Paul Crume didn't have to drop an F bomb to start a tradition.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

I loved it last year, and I feel the same way again this year.  this makes me want to plow my face into the green bean casserole as if I was bobbing for apples, come up for a gasp of air, and dive face first into the stuffing

thecheapbastard
thecheapbastard

@annaherself @nickrallo I was thinking more like demanding that the Girl Scouts sell their cookies year-round, but that works too.

immagringo
immagringo

@LaughAtWhitney    doesn't take much..  sounds more like incontinence to me..  better get that checked out... may be a precursor to something more detrimental.

hithard45
hithard45

 @kergo1spaceship

 All she did was take stock photos and write "fuck" everywhere. Real classy writing. I bet she is a real doll in person. It's like a small child who just discovered cuss words wrote about Thanksgiving.  "Fuck" really loses its impact if used in every other sentance. Then again the Observer pays her for this so I dont know whois  a bigger fool; the Observer, for paying her, or me for actually reading this.

nickrallo
nickrallo

@thecheapbastard @annaherself Annnnd I changed it back. #couldntlivewithitactually

cheapbastard
cheapbastard

 @CitizenKane I prefer Hellman's. Real mayo.

 

Although, I don't have a hatred for Miracle Whip. I think Miracle Whip has its place: Miracle Whip on a bologna sandwich is the perfect rock-bottom moment.

thecheapbastard
thecheapbastard

@nickrallo @annaherself Hey, Anna-- Can we bully more people into stuff? That was quick.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

 @cheapbastard  @CitizenKane drunken 2 am rummaging of the fridge is when the perfect bologna, kraft cheese single and miracle whip sandwich is made, usually on a hamburger bun bc I dont want to waste my wife's bread for her lunches on that snack

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