Hellmann's or Miracle Whip?: A Very Serious Debate

HELLMANN'S OR MIRACLE WHIP.jpg
So many questions.

Regular City of Ate commenter CitizenKane recently brought up the Hellman's versus Miracle Whip debate in the comments section of one of our Thanksgiving posts.

I know people have serious opinions on either side of this issue. I'm equal opportunity weird-condiment user. (Although I do believe there are proper times to use each: For instance, Hellmann's should never be put on a salad, because that would somehow make the condiment more disgusting than it already is. But you can totally put Miracle Whip on a salad, because it says "salad dressing" on the label. Hellmann's can be used on baby butts for rashes, but not Miracle Whip because it's not "real" mayo, etc.) But, I know some people are staunch Hellman's or staunch Miracle Whip supporters.

So, which is better? Real mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?

I Googled research on the topic, and it turns out, nobody has researched this shit at all. I decided to take matters into my own hands and do some serious research on the topic: I polled the Observer staff via email.

Important quotes from my research can be found below, as well as a chart summarizing my findings. I invite you to add your opinions on this very serious debate. As we cannonball into the holiday season, it is imperative that we have answers to: "Why, Miracle Whip? Why?" And "Hellmann's. It's not whale splooge. Really? Yes, really. But, seriously?"

Freaking Research, Man:

1) If you ever manage to locate both tuna *and* Hellman's, then both must be combined.

2) Hellman's improves every sandwich, apart from PB&J.

3) Hellman's is the optimum dip for fries. This is Europe's foremost contribution to the world.

4) What the fuck is Miracle Whip?

--Gavin Cleaver

"Miracle Whip STILL exists? Isn't it just Hellmann's that's spoiled?

The side of my family we dodge calls from on holidays in Scranton, Pennsylvania, use Miracle Whip exclusively. Mostly on tongue and head cheese sandwiches. Those childhood memories still haunt me." --Jamie Laughlin

"The only thing Miracle Whip tastes good on is a leftover turkey sandwich. Something about that tangy zip." --Scott Reitz

"I'm with Scott on the turkey sandwich thing. For some reason Miracle Whip works there and few other places. Also, it's much more visually appealing. Or much less visually disgusting, to be more precise. Hellmann's just looks like globs of cellulite. If it mixes with the juice from a tomato slice on a sandwich, it looks like something you'd find in a biohazard bag. Miracle Whip may be advisable for those times when you're making a sandwich while queasy, but that probably isn't a good idea in the first place." --Sir Jesse Hughey

"Has anyone ever just globbed some Miracle Whip onto a salad? I assume 'salad' means pasta salad, not lettuce, right?" --Tracie Loucke

"Miracle Whip is fucking awful. The end." --foodbitch

"Hellmann's, hands down!" --Catherine Downes

At Midnight on New Year's Eve, if you spread Miracle Whip on flat surface that faces East, a portal opens to Hell.

Hellmann's was used during WWI to cure motion sickness.

-Nick "Knows Stuff" Rallo

The following chart outlines the do's and do-not-do's of Hellmann's and Miracle Whip usage. Please post it at your place of work, next to the Heimlich poster.

Proper uses of Miracle Whip and Hellmann's350.jpg
Learn it. Live it.



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50 comments
tymland
tymland

You got that right.. Miracle Whip is the best HANDS DOWN! ! Grew up using it my whole life, couldn't do without it.

And as for the naysayers.. It's sold in the same area as other mayo, it has most of the same ingredients as other mayo, you use it like mayo, IT IS MAYONNAISE!! So get over it!

okcufar
okcufar

Like the article states, put it on your butt. In your mouth? No thanks.

brad.mason.dallas
brad.mason.dallas

Miracle Whip, saltine crackers and Franzia Chardonnay in a box.  Nothing better for a hangover.  Spread the MW on the saltine of course.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

Quit believing in miracles long ago. Just say no to MW. If you need some tang for the turkey, use Durkey's.

JustSaying
JustSaying

Tuna with onions - Hellmanns

Tuna with apple and eggwhites - Miracle Whip

Dip for french fries - Any one of the million whataburger ketchups that I have stockpiled in my fridge.

Jon Millsap
Jon Millsap

Hellmon's. I want real mayo on the bread... Not some other stuff.

John Juett
John Juett

Tickle says either as long as its not light......

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Each has its own unique uses.  I grew up on Miracle Whip and not until I moved out on my own did I ever even own a jar of hellmans.  I love hellmans mixed with ketchup on my burgers

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

This is so confusing, no not the debate, the fugging twitter comments mixed in with the regular comments.  Just when I thought this was better, its worse

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Hellmann's on a BLT.

There is no known useful purpose for MW.

thecheapbastard
thecheapbastard

@dallasjhawk @dallas_observer @cityofate you did. Check it.

longhorny1
longhorny1

@thecheapbastard Hellmans go hard!

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Mayo consumption is generally consumed by gigantic people; I imbibe about once a year, and that's enough. Miracle Whip is nasty, and useless like Ketchup. 

dixiechickidie
dixiechickidie

Hellmann's. Because that's the only way to make Pimento Cheese.

thecheapbastard
thecheapbastard

.@Dallas_Observer @cityofate Great. Now I have to try a Peanut Butter and Mayo sandwich so I can tell Scruffygeist he's wrong. #PB&hurk

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

1. Go to Central Market and buy Duke's. Ignore all others.

2. Hellmann's is quite good if Duke's in unavailable. Light Hellmann's is perfectly acceptable.

3. Ain't nothing wrong with a peanut butter and mayo sandwich. Shut up until you've tried it.

4. Miracle Whip is a waste of perfectly good oil and the plastic for the jar.

5. Homemade mayo isn't that hard to make.

happygrrl
happygrrl

@GavinCleaver on your side of the pond, it's known as salad cream. I had seen salad cream on the shelf in the shopette and thought 'WTF is Salad Cream?'.  

jdruebert
jdruebert

@thecheapbastard Nothing wrong with Miracle Whip - If you aren't old enough to drive.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

While they are both fairly disgusting to behold on their own, Miracle Whip has a slightly more translucent quality to it's appearance that makes it more closely resemble a certain other substance to which both of these substances are often compared.

I'll leave it at that.

jovid52
jovid52

@jillkgb @thecheapbastard same here!

foodbitch
foodbitch

@jillkgb GIRL YOU CRAY. cc: @thecheapbastard #SOMAYO #MWsucks

thecheapbastard
thecheapbastard

.@jillkgb that'a not a problem, as long as you admit that it is not a food item.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

The best potato salad I've ever had included BOTH Hellman's Mayo and Miracle Whip.

tymland
tymland

Exactly..

At least someone else knows what great mayo is & has great taste!

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin

They should Disqus/LiveFyre comparison chart. Wait, they should have done it before they bought the new crap LiveFire system.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

@thecheapbastard if it is PB and bananas, mayo will prevail. Just check out any Elvis cookbook.

jillkgb
jillkgb

@jovid52 @thecheapbastard Hallelujah I am not alone in the wilderness cc: @foodbitch

jillkgb
jillkgb

@foodbitch @thecheapbastard Know what else- I really like deviled eggs with Miracle Whip too

jillkgb
jillkgb

@thecheapbastard Nope, I grew up on Miracle Whip sandwiches. Bread and Miracle Whip. Yum, oh and it rocks on a BLT

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz mine included Frantoia olive oil. You do not put mayo in salads.

jovid52
jovid52

@jillkgb ha! It's all we put on sandwiches growing up!

jovid52
jovid52

@jillkgb excellent! These are the things build a marriage!

jillkgb
jillkgb

@jovid52 Right!!! Actually had to vet my husband on that before we married

jillkgb
jillkgb

@thecheapbastard Damn you!!! Hellmans does suck though

DallasLockhart
DallasLockhart

@thecheapbastard a. I am not Jenny Crank skinny and b. I still have teeth. So nope, it was Miracle Whip!

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