A Very Pinterest Thanksgiving
In case you missed last year's diatribe, Thanksgiving is my favorite American, history-ignoring, food-based holiday. This year, now that social media has fully seeped into every single orifice of our existence, I decided to turn to Pinterest, the pinnacle of everything food-porny, weird, magical and un-natural in this world, for some help in planning my Thanksgiving meal.
Pinterest is an asshole.
Oh wow was that a mistake. Here's why.
Thanksgiving Dessert Overload
What you read about food porn addiction is REAL. Just look at Pinterest. It's an echo-chamber of food porn, particularly dessert food porn. But the worst offender during Thanksgiving is not the pumpkin everything, not the spice cakes dripping with hot icing, nor is it all the sweet potato casseroles with flambéed marshmallows -- or heaven forbid -- candy corn. No. It's cupcakes that are made to look like savory, traditional Thanksgiving foodstuffs. Why the fuck would I eat a cupcake that looks like mashed potatoes?!?! Sure, I want a cupcake, but first I want actual mashed potatoes. Thanks for forcing me to look at cupcakes that make me want to puke, Pinterest.
No, No, No and NO!
Turkeys are Everywhere
Take a look around the room you're in right now. Now think hard. Do you see any turkeys? No? You idiot. Everybody knows that you can make a turkey out of nearly every inanimate object and spare scrap bit that exists in the world. Cotton balls, gourds, scrap paper, flowers, pine cones, pipe cleaners, paper bags, tulle, candy, toilet paper rolls, Nutter Butters, doorknobs, yarn, fingers, cigarettes, whatever.
Terribly Awesome Thanksgiving Home Decor
Your house will never look like this.
There are two types of home decor on Pinterest. Lame/Sad Decor and Ridiculously Incredible Decor. Lame/Sad Thanksgiving decor features scented candles, leaves made out of construction paper and basically anything educational in nature. Ridiculously Incredible Thanksgiving decor is beautiful and dreamlike. It's where perfect families talk about how much they love each other, eat a reasonable amount of food, don't spill anything, never argue and help the host clean up until the entire perfect house is spotless. This is the type of Pinterest decor that makes ordinary, seemingly sane people want to murder themselves with their own electric turkey knives.
Turkeys Made out of Non-food Materials
Look at that kid's face. His mom is a turkey's dick.
Obviously, turkeys are either made out of turkey or dessert items like peanut butter cups. So why the fuck would you make a turkey out of non-edible materials? For arts and crafts purposes? That's just SICK. Well, thanks to Pinterest, you can make that nightmare a reality.
Turkeys Made out of Healthy Materials
DON'T DO THIS, AMERICA.
The only thing worse than turkeys made out of non-food materials is one that's made out of healthy materials like apples [shudder] or raw vegetables [double shudder]. Thanksgiving is the least healthy day of the year for a reason. LET US HAVE JUST THIS ONE DAY!!
Thanksgiving-themed Fashion. Really.
I mean, don't we all start planning our sexy Thanksgiving outfit right after we finish with sexy Halloween? According to Pinterest, we do.