The Cheap Bastard's Guide to Eating Like a Fancy Bastard
Why use your real name when nobody else who goes to a fancy restaurant does?
Ten options for your fake fancy reservation name:
The Duke of Yep
Humpy Earsex, Esq.
Dean Fearing's Famous Tortilla Soup
President Barack Obama
Alice's Fancy for Under $50 Orders:
- Sampler appetizer (Griddled Jumbo Lump Crabcakes, Barbecued Duck Tamale and Two Bite Lobster Tacos with Avocado Relish): $24
- Jack Daniel's: $10
- Front hug from an old man stranger at the bar who thought you were definitely his hooker: $10 in Clorox disinfecting wipes
- Bowl tortilla soup: $13
- Shrimp cocktail: $18
- Glass of wine: $9
- Joy from eating the world's tiniest wrapped mint while sitting on a stranger's Rolls Royce: Mega
- Escargot: $18
- Souffle: $20
- Level of waiter's shock when credit card was declined: 0
- Life points achieved for 1) asking for a menu that wasn't prix fixe, 2) having credit card declined and 3) making valet park a truck: +500
- House-made spinach cavatelli: $24
- Glass of wine: $10
- Valet: $8
- Rage at watching the valet move my car two feet, having him charge me $8 for that service and then having the balls to wait around for me to tip him: Big
- Pepino's Revenge cocktail: $16
- Fujipeno Roll: $20
- Valet: $8
- Therapy required after spinning and spinning ahahahndspinning: 1 metric ton
- Sous vide fried chicken (with potato salad and slaw): $28
- Coffee and doughnuts: $10
- Pure happy level when the free-bread guy brought a whole basket of bread to our table and said "Try anything you like," just like he was Bread Willy Wonka: 9 (of 10)
Five Answers to the Fancy Restaurant Waiter Question
Q: "What are we celebrating tonight?"
"Rich people stuff."
"My ferret's death. Thanks for bringing it up."
"Junior's first sexing."
"Kent Rathbun, Best Chef in The Universe." (Only for use when you're not in one of Kent Rathbun's restaurants.)
"Sambas. Remember when everybody used to wear Sambas, even though everybody didn't play indoor soccer? Sambas. I'm here fuckin' celebrating the shit out of those black shoes with the white stripes, man. Hell yeah, Sambas."