The Cheap Bastard's Guide to Eating Like a Fancy Bastard

Why use your real name when nobody else 
who goes to a fancy restaurant does?

Ten options for your fake fancy reservation name:

Milbo Moneybaggins
Amuse Bouche
Pho Kyermom
Leslie Brenner
Lewis Vuitton
Shar Cuterie
The Duke of Yep
Humpy Earsex, Esq.
Dean Fearing's Famous Tortilla Soup
President Barack Obama

Alice's Fancy for Under $50 Orders:

- Sampler appetizer (Griddled Jumbo Lump Crabcakes, Barbecued Duck Tamale and Two Bite Lobster Tacos with Avocado Relish): $24
- Jack Daniel's: $10
- Front hug from an old man stranger at the bar who thought you were definitely his hooker: $10 in Clorox disinfecting wipes

The Mansion

- Bowl tortilla soup: $13
- Shrimp cocktail: $18
- Glass of wine: $9
- Joy from eating the world's tiniest wrapped mint while sitting on a stranger's Rolls Royce: Mega

French Room
- Escargot: $18
- Souffle: $20
- Level of waiter's shock when credit card was declined: 0
- Life points achieved for 1) asking for a menu that wasn't prix fixe, 2) having credit card declined and 3) making valet park a truck: +500

Charlie Palmer
- House-made spinach cavatelli: $24
- Glass of wine: $10
- Valet: $8
- Rage at watching the valet move my car two feet, having him charge me $8 for that service and then having the balls to wait around for me to tip him: Big

- Pepino's Revenge cocktail: $16
- Fujipeno Roll: $20
- Valet: $8
- Therapy required after spinning and spinning ahahahndspinning: 1 metric ton

Stephan Pyles
- Sous vide fried chicken (with potato salad and slaw): $28
- Coffee and doughnuts: $10
- Pure happy level when the free-bread guy brought a whole basket of bread to our table and said "Try anything you like," just like he was Bread Willy Wonka: 9 (of 10)

Five Answers to the Fancy Restaurant Waiter Question

Q: "What are we celebrating tonight?"
"Rich people stuff."
"My ferret's death. Thanks for bringing it up."
"Junior's first sexing."
"Kent Rathbun, Best Chef in The Universe." (Only for use when you're not in one of Kent Rathbun's restaurants.)
"Sambas. Remember when everybody used to wear Sambas, even though everybody didn't play indoor soccer? Sambas. I'm here fuckin' celebrating the shit out of those black shoes with the white stripes, man. Hell yeah, Sambas."

Location Info

The French Room

1321 Commerce St., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Fearing's at the Ritz Carlton

2121 Mckinney Ave., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Charlie Palmer at the Joule - CLOSED

1530 Main St., Dallas, TX

Category: Music

Five Sixty By Wolfgang Puck

300 Reunion Blvd., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Samar by Stephan Pyles - CLOSED

2100 Ross Ave., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Rosewood Mansion on Turtle Creek

2821 Turtle Creek Blvd, Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

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James Day
James Day

Best reading ever in observer.


My husband loves to use an "alias" for restaurant reservations. We become Mr. and Mrs. Harry Knucklesucker. When we hear our name called we laugh so hard our first stop is always the rest room.


I have never commented in my 2 years here, but have to share that this piece was sheer brilliance - thanks Alice and your Fancy Bastard ways.




I read every word and enjoyed it.  You seriously outclass this piece of shit rag.

TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Funny stuff.


For my $50 I'll grill a couple'a good aged steaks at home and take a few pulls off the bottle of Jameson 1780 I keep around for special. Besides, I'd never dream of letting a lowly valet park my cherished Civic.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Relaxed good etiquette is never out of place, and is one of the signs that you're around old money.  Biernat's, The Mansion, and the Melrose Hotel are easy and elegant, and I doubt you'd find tacky, snobby waitstaff in those establishments.

Sotiredofitall topcommenter

"Stop caring so damn much about what the staff thinks"  they just want the Benjamins


Very entertaining!


Over 20 years in Dallas and I've never been up in Reunion Tower. I need to fix that.

joe.tone moderator

 @steve.sandwich If we're such a piece of shit, Steve, surely you can find something else to pass the time with? Because you leave a lot of comments on this shitpiece.

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