The Cheap Bastard's Guide to Eating Like a Fancy Bastard

Dan Zettwoch
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Course 6: Free Cookies or Candies and the Bill
Fancy restaurants love to end your meal with a tiny plate of tiny free sweets. Knowing that rich people are easily distracted, restaurants usually place these free candies on top of the bill in hopes of diverting a Fancy's attention from the total cost of their food adventure. "Whoa! That entrée was 50 -- OH BUT LOOK CANDY YOU GUYS CANDY I LOVE CANDY IS THAT GINGER?!"

If you're on a budget at a fancy restaurant, don't feel like that should make you stick out as an intruder in your server's eyes. In fact, if you're stingy with your cash, you're likely to fit right in among the Dallas Fancy. The one thing rich people love the most is that they're rich, which means they really love hanging onto their money, too.

Just make sure you order with your eyes on the prices and take complete-to-inappropriate advantage of the free amuse bouche, the free bread and the free candies. If you can do all that, your wallet and your stomach could both still be full when you walk out the door.
Oh no. My credit card got declined at The French Room in front of a bunch of old ladies with high hair. What should I do?

This happened to me, so I can tell you what works from first-hand experience: Back out of the dining room slowly. If The Olds sense that you didn't have enough money to pay for your foie gras and soufflé, they will eat you and you can't really blame them because you just made yourself into a foie-gras-and-souffle-stuffed something. You will be irresistible.

Next: Breaking down the Fancy Restaurants in Dallas

Location Info

The French Room

1321 Commerce St., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Fearing's at the Ritz Carlton

2121 Mckinney Ave., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Charlie Palmer at the Joule - CLOSED

1530 Main St., Dallas, TX

Category: Music

Five Sixty By Wolfgang Puck

300 Reunion Blvd., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Samar by Stephan Pyles - CLOSED

2100 Ross Ave., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

Rosewood Mansion on Turtle Creek

2821 Turtle Creek Blvd, Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

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James Day
James Day

Best reading ever in observer.


My husband loves to use an "alias" for restaurant reservations. We become Mr. and Mrs. Harry Knucklesucker. When we hear our name called we laugh so hard our first stop is always the rest room.


I have never commented in my 2 years here, but have to share that this piece was sheer brilliance - thanks Alice and your Fancy Bastard ways.




I read every word and enjoyed it.  You seriously outclass this piece of shit rag.

TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Funny stuff.


For my $50 I'll grill a couple'a good aged steaks at home and take a few pulls off the bottle of Jameson 1780 I keep around for special. Besides, I'd never dream of letting a lowly valet park my cherished Civic.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Relaxed good etiquette is never out of place, and is one of the signs that you're around old money.  Biernat's, The Mansion, and the Melrose Hotel are easy and elegant, and I doubt you'd find tacky, snobby waitstaff in those establishments.

Sotiredofitall topcommenter

"Stop caring so damn much about what the staff thinks"  they just want the Benjamins


Very entertaining!


Over 20 years in Dallas and I've never been up in Reunion Tower. I need to fix that.

joe.tone moderator

 @steve.sandwich If we're such a piece of shit, Steve, surely you can find something else to pass the time with? Because you leave a lot of comments on this shitpiece.

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