Looming Worldwide Baconocalypse? Texas Has The Solution.

BaconBurgerLoveShack.jpg
LDD
Will bacon burgers soon be extinct? (Nah, probably not.)
First we have the Mayan calendar to contend with. Then, Miley cut all her hair off. Now, there's another apocalypse in the works...

Bloomberg Business reported today that because of a dramatic rise in grain prices around the world, feeding pigs over their projected lifetimes costs more than what they're worth. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, there was a major influx of bacon in U.S. warehouses last month -- rising 31 percent at the end of August. Basically, corn is so expensive farmers lose money by feeding pigs. Sending them to market cuts their losses, which created a short-term influx but a long-term shortage.

Bloomberg Business reported, "73.3 million hogs processed in eight months through August were the most in three years, U.S. Department of Agriculture data show. Pork supply will drop to the lowest per-capita since 1975 next year, the USDA estimates."

But, wait a second. Might we have a solution just underfoot? Isn't Texas rampant with wild hogs? Yes, it is. Scott Reitz recently reported on a excess of 2 million. If we all work together on this, we can create a bacon-opoly and, once again with an eye towards secession, create our own country based our supply of oil and gas, access to the world through our own ports and a governor with great hair.

Now all we do is leverage our budding population of wild boar in this sellers market and then slap on a stiff export tariff. Bam! Texas is finally the best country in the world. No taxes and, sure, a questionable education system, but who needs trig when all you need to know is how to set a trap?


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35 comments
texascheibel
texascheibel

Trig...Trap. You sound like Sarah Palin. WAIT! Maybe she has the answer! 

MissMacy
MissMacy

I know you might find this hard to believe, but there really are people who don't eat or care about bacon. I'm one of them. Seriously.

threecurl
threecurl

Scruffygeist is correct. A feral hog's belly is devoid of anything that could be turned into bacon. Because feral hogs are constantly on the move, they do not develop the fat of a cute little pink domestic porker. It's the difference between eating a wild turkey and a Butterball, or your fat, lazy neighbor over an Olympic distance runner (if we're going to use cannibalism to explain things).

todd
todd

I have some relatives who don't eat pork.  Their butcher makes them bacon out of beef brisket.  While I know it is NOT bacon, it is pretty GD good. 

VydraSays
VydraSays

@jessiejessup I get what they're saying. But until someone owns up to the merits of the taste of wild boar bacon... I shall live in fear.

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

I have from reliable wild pig/boar/hog hunters that their bellies aren't worth the bother in yield and taste.

 

Just because they look like pigs doesn't mean they taste like pigs.

 

Is it me or has CoA been pretty weak lately?

nick.rallo
nick.rallo moderator

We need to stop our foreign dependence on bacon

danielslauren
danielslauren

 @threecurl So, then... could we trap them and feed the corn for a year. Doh! Wait. Corn is the problem. What about CANDY CORN? We always have a ton of that leftover after halloween. Think of what  a straight diet of candy corn could do to a feral hogs belly. 

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

 @todd I've had what's called veal-bacon, and it is outstanding.

HEELKraven
HEELKraven

@VydraSays @JessieJessup Whoa whoa whoa...bacon shortage!? Why aren't people in the streets about this?! We need our bacon! #Bacon

JessieJessup
JessieJessup

.@VydraSays you inspired a new drawring. strips of bacon in party hats running wild and you with a butterfly net shouting "get in my belleh"

danielslauren
danielslauren

 @Scruffygeist Your words hurt. We've had a steady coverage of hamburgers, rooftops, fried crap, beer and bacon. What more, good sir, do you want from us? 

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

 @Scruffygeist Not just you buddy, and yeah just because they look like piggies don't make em taste like em.  Probably alot like deer, little bitty sweet ones taste alot better than big old tough ones.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

 @Scruffygeist Ive heard ferrell hog meat is basically a waste, taste like shit and really shouldnt be used for mass consumption.  But I hear its fun to go out and lay waste to massive quantities of pig all in a days work

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

 @danielslauren  @threecurl think of what a feral hog on a year of candy corn would do to your backyard with those candy corn shit bombs hed be leaving

 

VydraSays
VydraSays

@JessieJessup Aporkolypse now!!!

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

 @TheCredibleHulk  @nick.rallo then we have to get a bacon  pipeline built and then eminent domain land from the texas border directly to dallas to enable the bacon pipeline to end at the Observers Door

JessieJessup
JessieJessup

.@VydraSays did yahearbout the pig that went to dinner w his friends? He kept ordering water which is why he went weeweewee all the way home

nick.rallo
nick.rallo moderator

 @ScottsMerkin  @TheCredibleHulk Definitely on the bacon tanker. They're may be a small risk of a bacon spill though. Years ago, I spent time up north cleaning bacon off the feathers of a duck after a spill

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

 @nick.rallo  @TheCredibleHulk if we had gulf coast bacon could we put it on a bacon tanker and sail it to dallas?  

 

Never mind the standing wave would sink the ship

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

 @nick.rallo *hahahahaha*

 

I thought you said "...exploring Canada for bacon may HAM the environment."

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