EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Big Tex
Big Tex floats to his boots. It's creepy.
Monday was the Big Tex erection at the State Fair of Texas. The erection lasted about three hours, so it's safe to say that this 60-year old Texan is most definitely on Cialis. A ton of photographers were there, taking pictures of the event. I took a moment to ask Big Tex some probing questions about this year's State Fair.
So, you excited for the State Fair of Texas this year, Big Tex?
Tex, it's just me. I'm not "folks." You can drop the act.
Oh, thank you. Jesus, that's a tough bit to keep up. (lights, then takes a drag of world's giantest joint) You realize it's some dude's job to be my voice and they make him make me say "folks" like a bamillion times a day? So lame. (scratches world's giantest butt)
So, what time does the fair open and when does it close?
Gates open on Friday, September 28, 2012, at 10 a.m. Midway hours and Museum hours vary. Exhibit buildings open at 10 a.m. daily and close at 9 p.m. Sunday - Thursdays. Buildings remain open until 10 p.m. each Friday and Saturday.
And how much are tickets?
If you know another human being, you can probably get a free ticket into the fair -- we give them out like crazy. But, if you can't get your hands on a free ticket, general admission is $16, Seniors (60 and older over) and children (age 3 to 48 inches tall) are $12, children 2 and younger get in free. Senior Citizen Day (free admission for those 60 and older) is every Thursday during the Fair. So, just be old and ask someone when Thursday is and you're in for free. No problem.
Is parking free?
Nope. Parking at the fair is $15 per spot. So, take the DART, unless you want to spend your whole fried budget on renting some concrete.
Can I bring knives, scissors or guns to the fair? (This isn't my question, but apparently it's frequently asked, so I thought I'd include it)
Can I bring a cooler full of non-booze?
Yep. You can bring all the water and sodas you want. Just no alcohol.
You got any advice on which fried fair foods people should try this year? We hear a lot of it is really delicious.
It's all delicious. And ridiculous. You should try it all. It's a blast getting fried-food hammered here every year. We oughta convince Ford to put nap stations in their auto showroom. The only thing this fair is missing is food coma cots. Oh, and you should also try Mah Balls, folks.
I'm sorry, did you say Matzo balls?
Big Tex: No. Mah balls. I'm talking about my testicles. They should fry those up and serve them next year. I can't get any ladies with my arm stuck in a half wave all the damn time, anyway, folks.
Tex, should we reschedule this interview? Are you drunk? Do you even remember the last question I asked?
Do I remember it? Naw. But I do remember I was at this badass bitch's house ...
Tex, are you just quoting the Lil Wayne deposition now?
I don't hire photographers. I'm a superstar.
Ooohhkaaay. We're done here.
Enjoy the State Fair of Texas this year, you guys. To review: Find a friend with a free ticket. Take the DART. Take a cooler full of drinks that aren't booze or knives. Oh, and tell Big Tex happy birthday. He just turned 60 this year, which is mega super old.