What The Fuck Happened To Vodka?

Categories: Complaint Desk

sean-connery-martini.jpg
Suburban Men
Remember when Sean Connery ordered a Smirnoff martini "shaken, not stirred," while appearing in Goldfinger? The vodka bottle's label was not-so-casually displayed facing the camera, kicking off a whorish product placement campaign that runs through all the Bond films. Back in the Connery days, though, vodka was simple. It came in one flavor: vodka. But looking at the bottom-lit shelves of today's bars I'm forced to wonder what in God's name happened to this utilitarian spirit?

It's easy to understand how the trend got started. Russians are known for their honey flavored varieties and Nordic aquavit has boasted countless exotic infusions like cardamom and caraway. It was only a matter of time before the big labels figured out that coloring a clear bottle of Absolut purple and labeling it Kurant would get pussies to drink more vodka, but did they have to take it all the way to cotton candy?

Some of these flavors are really over the top...

*****

bubble-gum-vodka.jpg
Bubble gum:I once knew a mixologist bartender who dated a lady who was smitten with bubble-gum flavored vodka. This did not sit well with a man who spent hours a day hunting for rare herbs for house-made bitters. His solution to appease the lady was to make his own bubble-gum flavored vodka so he could maintain his artistic integrity. His gum of choice? Big League Chew because the fine strands of gum offered more surface area and thus a faster infusion time.

*****

waffle flavored vodka.jpg
Waffle: maybe I get this one. Sweet is appealing; I've seen bourbon with maple syrup in it that people enjoy; and I'm sure this vodka is infused with something similar, but do you really want your vodka to taste like sweet waffles? This is a hangover waiting to happen, and when you wake up, you'll have ruined your favorite breakfast item.

*****

buttered popcorn vodka.jpg
Buttered popcorn: If you're an avid movie-goer with a drinking problem, this one's for you, but I'm guessing this tastes like the similarly flavored Jelly Belly jelly bean. That one's not good either.

*****

brooklyn flavored vodka.jpg
Brooklyn: scented with hobo urine, bagels and lox.

*****

peanut butter and jelly.jpeg
Peanut butter and jelly: This one is a dick move because it's obviously a marketing attempt to get straight liquor into the lunch boxes of school children. If Joe Camel got flack for marketing cigs to kids, these guys should be hung out to dry.

*****

bacon flavored.jpg
Bacon: if you've ever seen bacon after it soaks in liquid for a couple of days you know how flaccid, rubbery and water-logged it gets. Wet bacon is in no way appetizing. It reminds me of my time washing dishes as a kid when the guy who worked the night before me left a sink full of plate scraps soaking in tepid water. It also gives me some ideas for some other vodkas I think could have some legs.


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16 comments
Nictacular
Nictacular

On a recent camping trip, lady friend brought whipped cream vodka for mixing with orange juice.

 

It tastes just like those Orange Julius drinks that used to be in the mall. I got vodka drunk at 10am...

sophee
sophee

If people knew that vodka is distilled from potatos or beets they wouldn't be so excited about it.

mellolarryplaysblues
mellolarryplaysblues

Wow, Scott, "fuck."  Edgy!  I mean, there was NO WAY I was ever ever never never gonna read this until your "fuck" caught my attention.  Because after all, expletives are so rarely used in titling blog posts by the writers of this site. My own head shaking each time I want a vodka based drink and am given a veritable menu of flavors wasn't enough to make me want to read your post. Nope. It was your dangerous (courageous, really) use of "fuck."  Gonzo blogging, right brutha!!!! 

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

No true alchy drinks flavored vodka.  As long as it burns, that's fine.

dallas_paul
dallas_paul

Started interesting. Got silly but still entertaining towards the middle. Ended off-the-rails stupid.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk

I prefer the "Willie Nelson's Hair" Vodka.

 

Got just a whiff of the chronic on the nose. Much more subtle than the heroin overtones of the Kristofferson variety.

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

So I'm going to extrapolate out and make the verdict you have a problem with drunk girls. 

 

Your loss.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

We used to infuse our blue powerade with copius amounts of Absolut prior to getting in the river down near Gruene...called it Powerlut...good times, but not remembered very well.

travishuse
travishuse

I'm a fan of flavored vodka, but nothing in the mold of whipped cream, cotton candy (though i do like three olives' loopy), buttered popcorn, etc. Absolut Mandarin, Pears are good.

 

But fuck, have you seen Bison Grass vodka? It's shit like that that's too hard to pass up.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Have you had the sushi infused vodka?  Its made by infusing it with bits of Kristy Yang

 

goodaytoya

JustSaying
JustSaying

 @Joshsbrokendisqus

 When we were in high school, our move was to go to Sonic and order a large cherry limeade or ocean water. Then we dumped half of that shit out and replaced it with vodka. Boom, instant drink that you could carry anywhere. It was always fun to talk to your 3rd period English teacher at the basketball game while sipping on a 44 ounce mixed drink.

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