Tom's Treats Tries, But Nothing Can Replace Cookie Talk. Except This List.

Categories: Lists


Maybe you experienced the awkwardly awesome Cookie Talk segment(s) during the Rangers broadcast. Maybe you didn't. For those suffering from the latter, above's a tip of the amazing iceberg that is now Tom's Treats.

Squirming yet? Thought so. Cookie Talk was the aural version of a car wreck. You wanted so badly to not listen. But You Just. Can't. Stop. Don't get me wrong, Tom Grieve can do no wrong. His incredibly long tenure in Major League Baseball is not only impressive, it's downright inspirational. But when you take TAG, add cookies and a live feed, it temporarily transcends what's happening on the field because nothing the players do is as hilarious as Tom Grieve and his snacks.

Much to the delight of some baseball purists out there (ahem Baseball Time in Arlington), many of whom have spent recent months vehemently protesting Cookie Talk because of its interference with the game, Cookie Talk died last week! BBTiA and all its staunch supporters won! Cookie Talk is now Tom's Treats. It's essentially an afterthought of a placement, shoved into the basement of the Fox Sport Southwest website, doomed to die an inevitable, Myspace-like death. For those of us who giddily clap at an awkward situation unfolding before us, this is a travesty. I'll never understand the protest. Perhaps they don't want to hear a legendary GM talk about cake balls. OK, understandable. Perhaps some fervent viewers feel time dedicated to thanking Miss Lonnie from Lancaster for her Luscious Lemon Bars is not in keeping with the general nature of an MLB broadcast. Eh, maybe. And then there's the Josh Lewin debate. Eh, get over it. Perhaps the term "cake balls" just makes dudes uncomfortable. Either way, I personally believe Cookie Talk was amazing, if only for how much awkwardness they were able to squeeze into a few minutes' time. It was magic.

It is my personal belief the Rangers should bring back Cookie Talk, and produce even more food-related segments that would elevate our beloved broadcasts to heights we can't even fathom.

Here are my suggestions:

Chuckie's Chickens: Chuck Morgan is given five raw chickens and must debone them in under 5 minutes.

Nolan's Nachos: Nolan Ryan samples several different types of nachos and eats them in bean bag chair in center field. May or may not be required to move when game resumes.

Eric's Enchiladas: Eric Nadel is God. Bring him pans upon pans of enchiladas and let him talk about how much he likes them. Then he picks a winner and the two of them do the Mexican Hat Dance in the outfield. Do they give Emmys for sports broadcasts? They will.

Dave's Doughnuts: Dave Barnett had a mysterious episode a while back so he's on leave. That doesn't mean he can't take doughnut deliveries at his house and Skype in his thoughts. We miss you, Dave.

Busby vs. Butterscotch: Good ol' Steve-o shoves as many chewy butterscotch candies as he can into his mouth in 1 minute. Must resume broadcast immediately.

JD's Jelly Beans: Jon Daniels must guess the exact amount of jelly beans in a jar. If incorrect, someone sitting in 306 gets all the cash in his wallet.

Gary's Goulash: Gary Pettis eats a bowl of goulash. In your seat. Because he's Gary Pettis and fuck you, that's why.

Mike's Mustache: One lucky fan is selected to smell Maddux's righteous mustache and guess his most recent meal. Free season tickets for life for a correct answer.

Rusty's Rib Eyes: Rusty Greer makes a special appearance once a month and grills steaks for the entire booth. Who wouldn't want that to happen? People who don't love America, that's who.

Rubén's Reubens: This really doesn't need an explanation. Legend meets legendary. Gimme.


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17 comments
alchoctaw
alchoctaw

literally made me feel nauseous.  what exactly did they do with all that food?  of course they did not eat it, and sanitary laws probably prevent its being given to shelters.  is there a huge dump behind the stadium of rotting sweets.  what a waste.  and, yes, we did miss parts of the game listening to the embarrassing gluttony.  birthday wishes for fans over 100, OK.  for 44th anniversaries, families from nebraska, and the drunks wanting air time, spare us.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Everyone wants to eat my cookies.  My delicious lekvar butter cookies.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

As for cookie talk, it was an embarassment.  I am bewildered that so many people will bake up some dessert crap and take it to the RBiA  just to hear their name on television.  Once two people each sent up 3 cakes, and one of them was a guy.  TAG was lucky to let it go because it was only a matter of time before he got dosed or Exlaxed.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

So Sarah, are you a BBTiA participant or lurker?  The DO really should have a Sam Merten article on last night's game; it was one for the ages.

 

Like the idea of JD and the jelly beans but you may have not considered the consequences of a whiff of Maddux's 'stache.  Baseball is a rough and tumble game, both on and off the field, though more tumble than rough after the game, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

 

Did you see the whole game last night.  Amazing.

Mervis
Mervis

It's funny that right out of the gate Tom refers to his own segment as Tom's Take.

Storm_71
Storm_71

I've got another one for ya. Blankenship's Bra Bash. Every game in the middle of the 5th 3 lucky fans get to guess what color  underwear Sara  is wearing If one gets it right Sara runs down the third base line in a bathrobe and then drops the robe when she gets to home plate!!!!!!! It goes without saying could also be seen on the big Jumbo Tron.

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

Eff you. One, Cookie Talk suuuuuuuuucked. Nothing but a bunch of attention-whoring asskissers sending up whatever dumb concoction they could bake. It snowballed into bush-league bullshit--we get enough bush-league bullshit every time they go to Jim Knox. Two, Tom Grieve can do plenty wrong. And he does.

 

For those who actually miss Cookie Talk I suggest you turn on the Cooking Channel and get over it. The rest of us who want to watch baseball who aren't in a nursing home in Palestine are much happier how.

 

And Blue Bell commercials are so awful I almost want to stop buying their ice cream.

Matt
Matt

>Girl author.

>Complains about distractions from the game itself.

>We all remember why watching sports with girls sucks.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

Nobody misses cookie talk, but atleast your being sporty up in heara.  We get more Ranger coverage on CoA than anywhere else at Unfair Park. 

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

 @laurendrewesdaniels Sure doesn't read that way. Plus "eff you" is pretty tame. And I stand by my post--I've done far more vitriolic works before.

mwmask
mwmask

 @Storm_71 Yeah, genius...   do you see the irony yet Storm71 ??

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