The Hollow Shame of Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog

Categories: Chewing the Fat

HotPocketsBox.jpg
LDD
So, I'm late to the game and for that, I apologize. I'll try harder. Promise. Last week, looking for something new to add to the weekday lunch line-up, a Hot Pockets "Limited Edition" box caught my eye -- even though it appears to have hit the market months ago. I gave it a quick look, but pushed the cart farther along to the taquitos neighborhood. But, wait! Stop. Did that say, "Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pockets"?

I ain't afraid, so I threw them in the cart. Then, once home, in a moment I honestly couldn't have scripted if I tried, my sweet son saw the box and in complete big-eyed innocence asked, "Did you buy these for the dog?" He thought I got something "upscale" for the pooch.

No, honey. Those are for you.

The idea here could have been cool. I love chili cheese dogs and pockets have a long-proven track record in amazing. So, on paper, I see how someone in a conference room thought they nailed it. And, please know, there's no judgment here on shady food because we're in a "safe place" when it comes to embracing really bad-for-you food.

First, I sat down at the table ready to assemble whatever "crisper" pouch, toasting tray or heating vessel that was surely generously part of the package contraption. To my surprise, it's been brilliantly dumbed down and all you need is a plate. They've either perfected crisping or have simply given up on us all.

After nuking it for two minutes, instead of beeping, my microwave belched and told me not to ever put such crap in it again.

In its first possible moment of pocket glory, I cut it open expecting it to ooze with round slices of hotdogs, gooey cheese and chili so thick, it would make me proud to be a 'Merican! But first, I had to let the damn thing cool off for seven minutes to avoid the boiling hot lava inside. (If I'd burned the roof of my mouth on that, I may have committed a crime. They should make roof-of-mouth protectors with the boxes.)

After a proper cooling-off period, I investigated the innards of the pocket. It was like a lonely look into the Grand Canyon at night. I was actually able to count four thin slices (just FOUR!) of wiener. There were maybe two tablespoons of chili. On the box the pocket is completely packed with chili, cheese and meat. Well, sit down: They're lying.

HotPocketInnards.jpg

I snagged a piece of dough from the center and it was like chalky tar.

No effort. At all. The kids at Hot Pockets, probably in a shiny tall building somewhere, have surely updated their employee dress code to nothing but sweatpants. Towels litter the lawn out front because they threw them all in, which are probably hidden in tall weeds that they no longer cut. They've given up. What happened Mr. Hot Pocket?

So, evidently this "Limited Edition" thing is on-going. Wonder what's next...


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20 comments
TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk

Dog: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Just horrible!  Even the busiest person can throw together a meal with fresh ingredients in no time.

J_A_
J_A_

The Mexican style something-or-other Hot Pocket, complete with salsa font in red green and yellow, is actually pretty tasty. Get some Tapatio and pickled jalapenos and you got yourself a fiesta in under 2 minutes.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Hot pockets are great!  Years ago, when I was on a diet, I lived off of pepperoni lean pockets.

Twinwillow
Twinwillow

Whenever I buy anything that has a picture on the box that (supposedly) shows what the product looks like after cooking, I'm always disappointed to discover, it never does!

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

'did you buy those for the dog?'.....classic. that kid should post some more one liners in these comment sections.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

I need an investigation. Ive long wondered what happend to Red Baron breakfast pizzas? The Single Round ones. They were oh so delish on a hungover monday morning at work and I havent seen them in ages at my gorcery store. Does aanyone have a suggestion for a replacement for those in the forzen food section. and no the Hot Pocket breakfast isnt close to that

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Italians excel at this.  A quick pasta and stir-fried vegetable of your choice with garlic, pepper flakes, grated cheese, and a drizzle of exquisitely delicious EVOO is quick, nutritious, cheap, and scrumptious.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@Sharon_Moreanus Upon further research, Non of the tom thumbs carry the biscuit style in my area, looks as if Im going to have to either ask my tom thumb why or actually step foot in a Krogers again blech

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@Sharon_Moreanus Hint.... umm thats great, they still havenet been seen in a grocery store by me in ages but ill check it out. Are you related to Greg Loosanus by chance?

markzero
markzero

 @ScottsMerkin  Both Tom Thumb and Target seem to have reduced the varieties of certain items.

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin Give'en a call one email. They can tell u the closet to ya.

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin Why yes. He's my step brother. Our other siblings are Hope Heelcum, Penny Tration, and Harry Ahole

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