A Cheap Lunch at the Zodiac? It's a Gas.

Categories: Cheap Bastard

zodia bisque.jpg
Alice Lausadde
Lobster bisque -- eat it and share it.
Overaccessorized old ladies count: 12
Prada count: 5

The Zodiac Room in Neiman Marcus downtown is an old white lady's wet dream. Here, you can brag about your Louis Vuitton luggage and talk shit about that chick who always shows up late to church ("And then, gasp, she has the nerve to sing the wrong lyrics to the 'Our Father' remix? Double gasp!"), all while hurking down a $20 grilled steak salad.

zodiac popover.jpg
How to eat cheaply at the Zodiac: Slam the broth shot. Snarf the popover. Run for the door.
The Zodiac Room is where fancy Dallas meets to be fancy. Fancy Mom is there wearing that white shirt with the popped collar and that ugly-as-fuck giant necklace she always wears to hide her turkey wattle neck, Murphy Brown-style. Fancy Trophy Wife is there with that surprised look on her face, either because it's Botox-ed that way or because she's proud that she figured out how to completely fuck over her husband. Or maybe it's both. Trophy Wife's not-as-hot-as-her friends show up, they all greet each other with that siren hello and then they bounce fake boobs and tap each other's shoulders like Barbies (they would hug like normal people, but their arms can't reach past DD plus DD).

The menu is my nightmare. There are calorie counts on every item (except on the booze, because they're not that stupid), there's a section of the menu that's called "Skinny" and, you guys, the only hot dog on the menu is in the kids' section.

My menu options are lobster bisque, crème brûlée or a box of cookies. I'll have the $6 lobster bisque. Because I like saying "bisque."

zodiac menu.jpg
Little bastards have all the luck.
While the chef was in the kitchen bisque-ing my lobster, my server brought me a tiny shot glass of chicken broth (etiquette says you smack this on the table, yell "CHICKEN SHOT!!!" shoot it, then throw the shot glass over your left shoulder and if it bounces off a fake boob, you get a Yahtzee) and a big-as-my-face popover to the table, with strawberry butter (the popover was light and delicious, and the strawberry butter tasted just like rich people).

As for the lobster bisque, it was better than imaginary sex with all the different Arnold Schwarzeneggers of history (Kindergarten Cop Arnold, Terminator Arnold, Terminator 2 Arnold and, obviously, Junior Arnold).

Episode one of Me at The Zodiac Room was the best reality show I've seen in a while. I may have crop-dusted the entire dining room on my way out. But it was a fancy lobster bisque crop-dusting, so it was smooth, light, a little chive-y and totally ladylike.

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.

Location Info

Map

Neiman Marcus

8687 N. Central Expressway, Dallas, TX

Category: General

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10 comments
Guesto
Guesto

"and the strawberry butter tasted just like rich people"  best line of the article.

joshWAH__
joshWAH__

Literally LOL'ed on myself. Touche hello kitty, touche.

Zizi JeanMer
Zizi JeanMer

Never serve these ladies overcooked chicken. They simply cannot abide a dry breast.

Mcdirtyrice
Mcdirtyrice

This is the best shit I've read in over a month. Thank you.

CitizenKane
CitizenKane

It's nice that places like the Zodiac Room still exist.  During the Thansgiving-Christmas holiday the weekend lunch buffet is a great place to take out-of-town guests.....a nice midday meal, a cocktail, holiday spirit, shopping at the original NM, then home for a nap.  Nice.  

Jon Daniel
Jon Daniel

This comments is a sure sign that Alice was spot on in her observations

Chiggers!
Chiggers!

So their strawberry-butter was bitter and dry, you say?

Ambrose Chapell
Ambrose Chapell

How could Alice ever know anything about Neiman's?  She can't fit through their doorway.

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