Jägermeister: Only for The Manliest of Men

Categories: Drinking

jager-monster.jpg
God help us, it's the Jagermonster.
Have you had the pleasure of viewing the new Jägermeister television ad?

No? Allow me to set the scene for you.

The setting is some unknown snowy landscape; the wind howls as we spot the signature Jäger deer in the distance. A dude who may or may not be a Juggalo, or perhaps the lost member of Kiss trudges through the snow and enters a mysterious castle.

He walks down a creaky dark hallway, the walls lined with pictures of men committing manly acts. Boxing. Holding guns. Sporting sweet mustaches. Not smiling.

A very serious narrator spouts a dramatic diatribe about how one cannot choose to come here, but must earn the right by doing Man Stuff; and in doing this Man Stuff, men form bonds. Harder, stronger bonds.

We reach our destination at the end of the hallway and enter a dimly lit man-cave replete with wood paneling; there's that deer head again, this time mounted on the wall. A group of tough-looking dudes are huddled around a large round table sculpted from ice in what looks to be one big hyper-masculine circle jerk. The camera pans to each and we see a montage of how he's earned his place at the table. The tribal-tatted rockstar. The race car driver. The surfer. (Our mysterious Juggalo turns out to be, in fact, a rodeo clown.)

They toast to their rugged manliness and pound frigid shots of the syrupy brown liquor, slamming their glasses on the icy table.

Then the tagline: "Jägermeister: A Stronger Bond."

Huh.

Jägermeister is often the shot of choice for my lady friends and me when we get together to pregame before a night of raising hell; I don't find there to be anything more masculine about it than say, Smirnoff Ice. ("You just got ICED!")

However, in my experience a night of drinking usually results in missing time, peeing behind Dumpsters and waking up with the taste of bad choices in one's mouth -- and I suppose those are all bonding experiences in their own right, in the sense that your friends will have funny stories to blackmail you with tell later.

At any rate, I feel they could've gotten a little more creative with the slogan to better express the testosterone-fueled bonding experiences that the Jäger marketing team imagines are being formed in frat houses all across America.

How about "Jägermeister: Not For Pussies"? Or maybe, "Jägermeister: It Puts Hair On Your Balls."

Perhaps they could even join forces with Dr Pepper Ten to create the Manliest Man Drink That Ever Was. Maybe even a Jäger-infused sports drink for only the toughest athletes. "Jäger-Ade: Because Steroids Are Fucking Illegal."

I guess my lack of a Y chromosome means I should stick to appletinis.

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15 comments
Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

the kid with the hat cocked sideways with minimal pubes says, "bra, hit me with some Jag".

the man with knowledge, and pride says, "Wellers, neat-please".

R.
R.

just give me a double shot of WELLERS. neat.

Mervis
Mervis

If it was really manly then it wouldn't be served chilled.

Guest
Guest

Whitney, you are actually clever and funny.  Unlike your colleague who's main literary devices are cursing and the personification of food items.

Da Truth
Da Truth

Jager is so manly it, along with a mix of Red Bull, can eat through a motherboard in your laptop. Don't ask how I know this.

Steve
Steve

I mean, if only CJ Wilson wasn't totally Straight-Edge, he could have been all of those guys.   At once.

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

What. No gay sex? A night of Jager, some manly men, and a round table made of ice...that's just begging for at least a few reach-a-rounds! I call bollocks on that commercial.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Methinks it's for alcoholics and douche tools, that think it's cool with Redbull.......I know this blatant, rambling booze abuser that swears by this swill. Nice scotch or Jag?  Nice Tequila or Jag?  Craft Brew or Jag......I don't think Jag ever wins!?  Except if you sport an Affliction shirt; or are living beyond yer 20 "somefin" means.  

ObserverFan
ObserverFan

Bleh. Jager reminds me of when I first started drinking. Sex on the beach shots for the lightweights and Jager for the hard core drinkers!

just sayin'
just sayin'

Freddie Roach, the most famous boxing trainer in the world. Kerry King from Slayer. Keyshawn Johnson, former Cowboy. If you couldnt recognize at least one of them, you really are a girl that needs to stick to apple pucker shots.

Phelps
Phelps

Jager -- for Manly Men and Little Old German Grandmothers

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

What is up with this "chilled" business lately?  You shouldn't have to tell them you want the tequila "room temperature, dressed".  Last time after I asked it came chilled, and WITHOUT lime, and salt.  I asked why, and the waitron simply explained, "I didn't know what dressed meant".  Methinks a man doesn't drink girly drinks, and chill shite.

just sayin'
just sayin'

You mean there are other people that found the irony in City of Ate posting a ""cheap bastard sentence generator" a few months back?

just sayin'
just sayin'

If CJ wasnt straight edge I think his main vice would involve waving around glowsticks with a blowpop in his mouth.

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