Baker's Ribs is a House of Shame. You Should Come Visit.

Categories: Cheap Bastard

bakers exterior.JPG
Photos by Alice Laussade
Go ahead, make a little piggie of yourself.
"Ooh, fried brisket pie!" exclamation count: 32
Shame level: Red

"I liked the pulled-pork fried pie better than the brisket fried pie." That's you, when you go to Baker's Ribs and order fried pies. Or, maybe you'll be like, "You know what I want to do? On this day, I have decided to order a sausage sandwich plus macaroni and potato salad and a drink, all for around 10 bucks. For dessert, I will pretend it's totally normal to order a fried motherfucking brisket pie. I might even top it with some free soft serve ice cream they're offering up. Because: Amuhricka."

You will be OK with the sausage sandwich, macaroni and cheese and potato salad, even though you will describe them as "Dickey's-ish." You will enjoy your fried pies. "If they don't have these at the State Fair, they should have these at the State Fair! If they do have these at the State Fair, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" In this moment, you will even think to yourself, "It's totally reasonable for me to come here tomorrow for breakfast and order the breakfast fried pie with eggs, sausage and cheese in it." You, along with your fellow lunchers, will enjoy your time at Baker's Ribs.

baker's pie1.JPG
Brisket pie: It's an entree! It's a dessert! It's a kick in your sad, sad nuts, Mr. Calorie Counter Person.
And then, you will walk outside Baker's Ribs. And that's when the reality of your 3,000-calorie meal will hit you square in your sad, sad nuts. If you thought you were in barbecue heaven, you were wrong. Baker's Ribs is a food shame house.

At Baker's Ribs, dark, dark food deeds are done. People walk in pure of heart and mind, but everyone walks out ashamed. "How did I actually take a free sample of fried cherry pie after I'd eaten two fried pies, two sides and a sandwich? Did that really happen?"

bakers plate.JPG
Regret, sadness, mac and cheese plus sausage. That's a Cheap Bastard's balanced meal.
Regret, fear, sadness. These will be your only friends when you exit Baker's Ribs. Later this same day, you'll see your fellow lunchers around town. They're the ones quietly crying during penance crunches. They're drinking gallons of water. They're shitting their brains out in the stall next to you and screaming, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYDIDIEATALLTHAT?!"

If you claim to have the self-control to walk into Baker's Ribs and just order coleslaw and corn salad without calorie-bombing yourself, I laugh at you and call you a dickdouche of the highest order. Let's be real: If you see the words "pulled-pork fried pie" and you don't want to try that, we weren't ever going to be friends anyway, right?

Location Info

Baker's Ribs

3033 Main St., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

My Voice Nation Help
11 comments
CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

Was there today. The amount of food I walked out with.... shameful. But so delicious. See you on the Katy tomorrow; I'll be the runner smelling like pulled pork and fried peach pie.

East Dallas Dad
East Dallas Dad like.author.displayName 1 Like

Baker's Ribs may not be considered elite by the barbacue snobs, but I've always like their food. 

mark zero (Jason)
mark zero (Jason)

Would it be better as a pasty? If so, could you talk them into it?

mark zero (Jason)
mark zero (Jason)

Those are some kinda mean-looking pigs, too. I'd feel sad if they were cute and happy piglets, but they're all 'I dare ya.' They should offer bacon-flavored temporary tattoos of those pigs...

mark zero (Jason)
mark zero (Jason)

And that's when the reality of your 3,000-calorie meal will hit you square in your sad, sad nuts. Now I know how Alice is able to keep doing these columns. She's biologically incapable of being racked by guilt.

cp
cp

I'm making some fried pies now. Think I'll stick some sausage in one, just because I can...

todd
todd

I had the brisket fried pie from the Baker's in Canton.  The brisket was mushy, like it had been processed, and had too much sauce.  Perhaps the mushy was a product of being fried in pie dough but I was not impressed.     

Its So Sad
Its So Sad

Our favorite BBQ for last 20 years. The fried pies are a franchise of the Arbuckle Original Fried Pie store, and are AMAZING!!!!!! Alice is dead on. All self control is lost upopn entering Bakers Ribs. And THEN YOU GET A FRIED PIE! Haven't had one yet that I didn't want to eat another. OMG!!!

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...