Win Free VIP Tickets To Iron Fork

Categories: Whimsy

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Update: We've selected two winners based on funny: BeSly, who offed Paula Deen by stuffing her with icing using a CO2 charged ISI Gourmet Whip, and Tyler Kitchens, who takes issue with Giada's pronunciation of LEE-MUN-CHELL-OH. If we can't get a hold of them we'll dial up some new winners. Thanks for playing and we'll see you tomorrow at Iron Fork.

Original Item: Tuesday, May 8 brings the Observer's second annual Iron Fork to the Fashion Industry Gallery, where you can swill beer and wine, sample various food stuffs from area restaurants and watch chef Scott Romano take on Whiskey Cake's TJ Lengnick in a cooking competition.

Tickets to the event are $35 in advance, $40 at the door, with a $75 VIP option that includes early admission access to the VIP lounge and some other perks.

You can score two VIP tickets by indulging a little competition, however. In the comments below answer this: You're stuck at a Food Network event with access to every television food celebrity past and present and an entire Williams-Sonoma worth of cooking gadgetry. Oddly, all of them want to kill you. Which celebrity would you take on, what device would you choose as your weapon, and what would you eat to celebrate your inevitable victory?

On Monday, we'll take an internal poll of the creative answers and select two winners, who will each receive a pair of VIP tickets. Make sure you comment using a real email address or Twitter account so we can contact you. And don't answer more than once or we'll disqualify you, right after we get done plucking Guy Fieri's frosted tips out with our sleek Bodum barbecue tongs.


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39 comments
Turd I.T. Sink
Turd I.T. Sink

Paula Deen. My weapon: diabetes. To celebrate, I'd probably just eat Paula Deen. I bet she's delicious.

Rob G
Rob G

Have you notified the winners yet?  Anxiously awaiting IRON FORKS!!!!!

just sayin'
just sayin'

If it was up to me, Im taking out Anthony Bourdain. My weapon of choice is Paula Dean. I would tie Bourdain up in a clear homage to the gluttony scene from "Seven". Except Anthony gets fed for an entire month. After 30 days of nothing but fried chicken and cinnabons, I would release him back into the wild as a fat fuck. Now he is what he hates the most. A diabetic pig with a butter jones. He is too fat to jet all around the world and lounge by the pool with his shirt open. He falls into a deep depression because he realizes that his only hope of gaining his old life back is a strict diet and workout regimen. His doctors tell him that a night of drinking will kill his diabetic ass. The fuse has been lit. He is a ghost, a dead man that just hasnt died yet. Eventually his bloated carcass is discovered by the pool at a Days Inn just outside of Destin. There is no note, just an empty bottle of Azteca and the remnants of several dorito taco shells.

ts
ts

I'd choke Sandra Lee with some of that cheesecloth they have over the lens, and then top her off with some cool whip and some cherries from a jar.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

Id take on Sandra Lee with a Ghindi Dual blade peeler, skining her down to the bone.  when I was done, I place all the peeled sking into a Sandra Lee cocktail time magazine, set it on fire and use that to heat up a bowl of extra spicy chicken curry.  gooddaytoya

Jill Bouska
Jill Bouska

As a southern cook from Texas, I would take on Miss Paula Deen.  I would put that Georgia peach in her place.  With my cheesy grits, fried chicken with cream gravy and blackberry gobbler.  I would just toss her up one of those Georgia peach trees!

Ionyejiaka
Ionyejiaka

Joining us for this year's most sizzlin' throwdown, we have the joined-at-the-hip barbeque duo Gina and Pat Neely! versus, well... me. I've got my trusty, 12"  iron clad grill pan and the secret weapon!!?? A can of CAYENNE infused pepper spray. The game plan?? Aim, spray, and whack!!! As my Siamese opponents lay defeated and spice rubbed, I move to the grill where a bountiful Southern spread awaits - spicy barbeque potato skins!! Here I come! Victory never tasted so sweet, "Sweetie"! ;)

Cinco
Cinco

Probably wouldn't happen but I'm stuck at Food Network Event Eh? I would simple hand anthony bourdain a bottle of Vodka and let him drink himself into a drunken stupor while I sit eating his favorite blood sausage...

Mary Christine
Mary Christine

 So I am stuck at a food network event and Bored as hell.  I am on a quest to find some wine and my eyes instantly zoom in on a huge collection of cooking gadgetry's like My husbands eyes zoom in on Giada's Cleavage!  Ohhh ehhhhm Geee I see a Screwpull winged corkscrew wine opener in antique chrome.  A Beam of light touches down on it and a little devil chanting on my shoulder said "take it take it it will fit in your purse" (anything for a funny Facebook status) Well next to it was a Natural ultrafine cheeseclothe so I quickly wrap it up and pulled a "Winona Ryder" Well I'll be damn Guy Fieri who has never felt the same about "Lifting stuff" due to his  $200000 Lamborghini convertible getting jacked... Saw me doing this little stunt.  He quickly yells "Security"  Paula dean yelled for the "Neeeeeeeeeeeee Leeeeeee's and I am cornered with nothing but my recent gadgets.  "Great"  this is going to be broadcasted on national TV and my Parents are going to be pissed.... Giada is behind me so I quickly grab her and wrap and cover her cleavage with the cheese clothe,  I pull out the corkscrew and point it like a gun!  At this moment everyone wanted to kill me!  But instead of attacking me!  "The wine cork bandit", they quickly run to Giada's rescue and unviel her cleavage!  Well the coast is clear and I run like hell to five Sixty!  So I am enjoying my sauteed flounder, thai shrimp, and keffir lime oh and pineapple-chili sambal! My tummy is content, I am celebrating my victory and I finally got that bottle of wine I was oh so craving.  I look up and my recent escapade went viral and was sent to Wolf Gang Pucks Face book!  Let's just end it with "I did not go home with that wine cork screw bottle opener" 

Mike
Mike

I'm stuck at this eventThese people are crazyWhy they want to kill meIs still a bit hazy

There's Julia and JacquesPaula and GuyAll want to kill meBut I still don't know why

I'll take one onAnd show them the wayMy choice for the night That snob Bobby Flay

I'll use a Shun chef's knifeSo sharp and preciseI'll show Flay some mercyBecause I'm so nice

Throngs yell and cheerYes, victory is mineNow time to celebrateWith a fine Texas wine

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Good gravy, what a bunch of fruits you all are!  If you are watching that much tv, then that soul of "yers" is SLOWLY dying.  I can "pitture" a bunch of GIMongous frau's sitting in front of the tube, watching some dude push pasta around a plate.  Piss off.....get a life.

Dear Scott,    This story sucks; love ya-the Kerg's.

ps-Did I win?  If I did, I'll take trip down the Mountain Fork in a kayak instead; replete with lobster, baked red potatoes and pulled chicken. 

Rob G
Rob G

I would have to take on Alton Brown. He talks way too much,over thinks everything and doesn’t look like he works out much. I hate him andevery episode he is on –except of course Iron Chef.

First I would throw a cup of freshly brewed hot coffee frommy Cuisinart Coffee Maker in his face to immobilize him. While he is temporarilyblinded, I would rush up and smash both his hands into an All Clad BelgiumWaffle Maker. Totally defenseless now, I push him down and rip his heart out witha brand new Immersion Blender.

To celebrate my flawless victory, I would serve up perfectlycooked filets and grilled summer vegetables seared to perfection on my StoveTop Grill Pan using my Monogramed Grill Tools. A bold Cabernet perfectlydecanted by my Vinturi Wine Aerator would bring it all together.

Elaina
Elaina

Bobby Flay with a grilling fork! I would win the showdown and baste him on the grill afterwards! And finish off with some great beef tip, onion, pepper, applewood bacon, and stuffed mushroom kebobs

Lastangelman
Lastangelman

Gordon Ramsay, that volcanic rage-a-holic monster would be destroyed by me in a moment, all I'd need is two large extra sharpened meat cleavers, in case I miss with one, off with his head, like that with garlic cloves stuffed into his mouth and jalapeño slices over his eyes then stuff that cursed lump into his ass  where it belongs.What to eat to celebrate?A carafe of room temp water, a cup of lobster bisque From Daddy Jack's, a nice generous serving of London Broil, with a broiled lobster tail, apple sauce, mashed potatoes and gravy, orange sherbet for dessert and a strong sweet Turkish coffee blend while listening to Beethoven's Ninth.

Eric Timmons
Eric Timmons

I would sit Guy Fieri in a room at musket point and force him to eat greasy bison burgers (topped with fried eggs), serrano chili cheese fries, and ghost pepper topped goat cheese nachos non-stop until he's either gorged himself to death or his cholesterol count sky rockets high enough to finally stop his frail, but equally as annoying, heart. Then, as he lays there in his gluttonous death, I will use the Forschner by Victorinox Hollow-Ground Butcher's Knife http://www.williams-sonoma.com... to collect his spiky, pumpkin-shaped scalp to add to my trophy room, along with his bedazzled bowling shirt and wrist bands - obviously as additions to the Wall of Douche Bags!

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

I'd hope fer Mrs. Paula, a butter dish, and a slow diabetic induced seizure. But I'm hard like that. (love you PD and for surely not your bastard son whom tries to remake your recipes)

BeSly
BeSly

While Bitchin Kitchen's Nadia is the most annoying she is not on the Food Network and assume you would need to get away with it ala Dexter, which leaves out knives, mallets, turkey injhectors etc.  So for the perfect crime you have to go with Paula Deen and stuffing her with her own buttecreamicing using a CO2 charged ISI Gourmet Whip $140.00 at  www.williamssonoma.com

"Dispense whip cream, soft cheeses and buttercream frostings in seconds with this powerful tool. Three different dispenser nozzles let you add a decorative flourish for garnishes, cake toppings and festive borders" 

It's unassuming, light, powerful and leaves little CSI evidence.  What diabetic could resist a taste of frosting and wham bam thank ya mam. If you've ever seen someone try to do the whole milk challenge imagine 2 qts of pressurized buttercream frosting dispensing in seconds.  It would either be an homage to Alien or shooting out of her nose (especially if the rumors of a Gastric Bypass are true). By the time they find her it looks like a diabetic crash and she would even pass gas when they moved her eliminating the CO2.  Best part you get to lick the frosting out of the bowl as you innocently walk off.  

Tyler Kitchens
Tyler Kitchens

Oh, Giada. Killing you would be equivalent to crushing a beautiful butterfly...a butterfly with an impeccable rack. But if it must be done, so be it. Besides, I am tired of you pronouncing “Prosciutto” and “Parmesan-Reggiano”in that overdone Italian accent.  I get it, your family is from Italy.  I’m sorry to say it, but you would meet your untimelydemise at the hands of the tool you wield way too much:  your precious food processor.  There will be no pesto made on that day. After I send your cleavage into the burning bosom of Italian Hell to spend eternity with the likes of Mussolini and the vile Wario, I will sit on your patio and enjoy a refreshing Italian "LEE-MUN-CHELL-OH." Ciao, Giada.

Wayneadam
Wayneadam

Who I'd take on? The very smug Alton Brown. Weapon of choice? A Melon Baller.

Why a Melon Baller, you ask? Because who in their right minds want to be sent to their eternal resting place at the hands of an overweight Hispanic man wielding a Melon Baller?

@wayneadam on twitter

miked
miked

Murdering Paula Deen or Rachel Ray is amateurish and justnot fair.  Paula is already slowing killingherself and Rachel Ray is, well, Rachel Ray, an individual not worthy to die bymy hand.  Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto isthe REAL challenge.  Have you ever seenhim filet a fish??  He is the ultimate FoodNetwork opponent.  What’s that Mori?  You want to know what today’s “Secret Ingredient”is?  It’s your inevitable death!   Sure he might rough me up a bit but KitchenStadium will run red with the blood of Morimoto due to a couple strategicallyplaced chop sticks.  In victory and outof spite, I would eat a grocery store-bought spicy salmon sushi roll.

Seth Adam Scherm
Seth Adam Scherm

After hearing his trademark "BAM!" one too many times, I decide to take the fight to Emeril Lagasse. I grab a handful of his "essence" blend of spices and toss a cloud of it into his squinty eyes rendering him temporarily blind. I then go for the Henkel knife block and proceed to start launching them at him ninja star style attempting to julienne Emeril into pieces. Now that Emeril has been dispatched to food heaven, I sit down to dispatch his famous gumbo - BAM! Yum, now that's some killer good gumbo!

lorena l.
lorena l.

I would have to take on Paula Deen, y'all. We're both chubby ladies but I have youth on my side (that, and I don't eat a stick of butter with every meal). Even though I could (probably) outrun her, I would just sneak up behind her with a Texas-sized cast iron skillet and deliver a deadly blow to the cranium. In typical Tang Dynasty warrior fashion, I would eat her fresh heart to celebrate my victory (and to gain her powers/what's left of her life force). Deen's heart would definitely be served in the style of steak tartare. Bon apetit!

AllTeam
AllTeam

"You're stuck at a Food Network event with access to every television food celebrity past and present and an entire Williams-Sonoma worth of cooking gadgetry. Oddly, all of them want to kill you. Which celebrity would you take on, what device would you choose as your weapon, and what would you eat to celebrate your inevitable victory?"

Rachel RayWeapon: Pancake Pen filled with Vegetable OilAs she always talks about EVOO (extra Virgin olive oil for those that have never seen her cook), I figure I could demonstrate to her that its all nearly the same. Except I would just hold her down and force feed her vegetable oil and say things like "guess its not extra virgin" and other witty comments. Show them all who is boss, plus I did it with a simple "weapon"

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

I'd punch Julia Childs in the nutsack with a polling pin.......do I win Merkie?   have a "goodun"

Dmkergo
Dmkergo

WTF....this place sucks...I'm headin' Big Bob's way!  Did he fire Steve Blow and Jackie Floyd yet?

kergo a spaceshuttle
kergo a spaceshuttle

kill me please, Iff'n you were my significant other-I would bash my own head in with a baseball bat.

KK
KK

die?

Kergo 1 spaceship
Kergo 1 spaceship

But, I don't want to win....uhhhmmm, can I have take out from Campisi's instead?   Joe's Toast is cheap!  Or, I'll take a Rosso pizza; or any Eddie cocktail.  Can I trade my voucher in for dinner at the restaurant at Queen Wilhelmina ? 

ps-I love it when folks say they learn the fine art of cooking from watching FN.....I also "learnt" the fine art of truck driving from watching IRT.  get a hobby?

ts
ts

Try working your chicken parm recipe in with the death of Giada.  Posting that recipe has killed many a blog comment section, so it definitely has stopping power.

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

+1 sir! How bout that sweep this weekend of your'n NoSoxs? Pretty sweet how Chris Davis got tonights win. (I'd knock myself out with a Dutch oven ..(see what I did!) .. If Chris effing Davis ever did that vs the Redshoes)

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

I'm gonna donate my winning ticks to some folk from The Bridge..Stay hard Kergs!

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

chicken parm is a silent killer, on so many levels my friend

Kergo 1
Kergo 1

the "Sawx" frustrate me on so many levels, sir!

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