Rejected Miller Lite Delivery Systems

Categories: Whimsy

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Recently, Miller Lite announced a new innovation: the Punch Top Can. This NASA-astute device is designed to minimize "glug" and make for a "improved, smoother pour." Which made Scott Gairdner, a writer / director over at Funny or Die, and I wonder: what the hell didn't make the cut? We found a number of beer-delivery devices -- and their technical specs -- that were mysteriously rejected.

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The Miller Liter Can
- Cracking the customized tab strikes a flint strip that ignites a 3,000K flame of pure triple-hopped beer
- "Beer Smoke" fills any room in a matter of milliseconds*
*Beer smoke will last for up to 48 hours

*****

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The Miller Slider Can
Crack the can and a built in, self-sustaining Summer Slide of Beer will erect itself in a matter of minutes!*
- Summer Slide uses the contents of the can to create a flowing slide of fun!
*Opening of slide can take up to 58 minutes. Do not open near children, pets or the elderly. Slide contains sharp parts

*****

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The Millerhawk
Tired of feeling like you didn't earn your brew? The Millerhawk will make you fight for it.
- The Millerhawk is an actual living bird, bred by Miller scientists to be filled with robust hops and talons of pure Beer Bottles.
- When you release the Millerhawk from his cage, you'll have to subdue the beast. You'll never feel like more of a man than when you bite into his aluminum neck and feast on his delicious beerblood*.
*Miller Lite is not responsible if the Millerhawk grasps you in his talons and flies you to the Mother Millerhawk's nest.

*****

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Larry felt excitement as his skinned turned blue, knowing he was, now, protected from getting blasted.
Millertone SPF 10000*
Protect yourself with Miller-infused protection spread!
- Squirt out this thick Miller cream, and spread it evenly on your arms, face, and back. The buzz will travel through your skin straight to your brain.
- When you turn a bright shade of Miller Blue, you know it's working! Millertone offers guaranteed protection from not getting schwasted!**
*Super powerful funtimes
** Millertone may make user allergic to moonlight

*****

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Artist rendering of the desired effect
The Miller Wishing Well
Finally, a tiny beercan-sized wishing well!
- Insert a quarter, make a wish, and any liquid near you will turn into Miller Lite. Drinking a boring glass of orange juice? Turn it into fresh squeezed Miller! Visiting an exotic waterfall? Turn it into a Millerfall*!
*Only the pure, true heart can access a Millerfall.

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The Miller Cantex
Soft-gelatin, sphere shaped can is coated in Miller Lite Super-Stick.
- Just throw at your friends, loved-ones or The Elderly and watch it stick to any surface! Miller Cantex will detonate after four-to-five seconds, and emit a scintillating blast of Miller Lite's New IPA blend

*****

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How the The Miller Inner Liter works
The Miller Inner Lite Can
Create self-replenishing Brews, straight from your urine!
- Tubing runs your urine through the can's filtration system to make continuous fresh, quad-hopped brews
- New portable Brew Bag allows you to brew beer instantly as you urinate in three easy steps
a. Apply the Miller Lite lube to the tip of the tubing (sold separately)
b. Insert into urethra
c. Pee Brew as much as you like!

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. And, if you know what's good for you, you'll follow more of Scott Gairdner's work at Funnyordie.


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4 comments
dweebarf
dweebarf

My favorite is the Miller Wishing Well... Imagine, if you were at Schlitterbahn?  With a pure, true heart?

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

I once saw a chick pull of the Miller "Inher" Light can

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

This is what I like... a little bit of the funny to start the week!  Kudos Nick, and that other guy.  Sucks to be that other guy, "don't it"? Like the curly haired guy haired dude in Hall and Oates, that doesn't ever sing, or have his guitar plugged in.  Or the Gerfunkel guy that sings only one song, doesn't play ANYTHING, and can only sing really high, and queenlike.  Ringo? Andrew Ridgley?  

ps-I am food drunk, and partly comatose from imbibing yesterday....my consumption from noon to 4 yesterday, whereupon  I retired with to a 13 hour nap:

-2 smoked pulled chicken sammiches with a bit of the sweet n' hot sauce (the key is chipotle, shiner, and tabasco in said BBQ sauce)-and smoking it for 4 hours.-sauteed lobster (you know how it's sauteed!)-Budlight(s)-Shiner Bock(s)-1 Mint Julep (effing gross,and toxic; please refer to the great Hunter S Thompson for notes about the Derby, Drunkenness, and Mint Julep-June 1970/Scanlon's Monthly)-1 pound loaf of jalapeno and cheddar bread-egg burrito with cilantro, bacon, ham, mushrooms, cheese, fresh basil and housemade guacamole -feta and pico soft taco-2 hot dog's from QT-chips and bean dip (Thank gravy I have an American Standard, and not a Cali "terlit") -Gouda.

"really bully chaps!"  Today my main goal is to make a BBQ grill out of either a trash can, or shopping cart. 

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