Oh Hey, Slurpee Lite: Fuck You.
Yesterday the Huffington Post reported that 7-Eleven is nationally debuting Slurpee Lite. Slurpee Lite will be made with Splenda instead of real sugar and promises to be "50% fewer calories, 100% awesome taste."
Give me a summer-fucking break. Seems to me that if you're inside a 7-Eleven at all, you've lost your stupid calorie-counting privileges. But, you really want 50% fewer calories than a regular Slurpee? GET YOURSELF A SMALLER REGULAR DANG SLURPEE.
HuffPo says 7-Eleven is "hoping to target females in their 20s" with this Slurpee. Ohhhh, so you're making Lady Slurpees! Why didn't you just say so? We think that's a great idea. But, why stop there, 7-Eleven? Here's this list of Other Stuffs 20-Something Chicks Like At Places. We promise that if you stock these things in your 7-Elevens, you'll definitely bag all them chicks.
20-Something Chicks Like:
1. Dickhead dudes who treat them like shits. Stock your shelves with a bunch of this guy and the 20-somethings will come a-knockin'. Affliction shirt + booze + head shaped like dick = magnetic.
2. Weighing themselves.
3. Rainbow unicorns.
4. Telling other people what they like.
5. Arcade Fire