Oh Hey, Slurpee Lite: Fuck You.

Categories: Complaint Desk

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Alice Laussade
Yesterday the Huffington Post reported that 7-Eleven is nationally debuting Slurpee Lite. Slurpee Lite will be made with Splenda instead of real sugar and promises to be "50% fewer calories, 100% awesome taste."

Give me a summer-fucking break. Seems to me that if you're inside a 7-Eleven at all, you've lost your stupid calorie-counting privileges. But, you really want 50% fewer calories than a regular Slurpee? GET YOURSELF A SMALLER REGULAR DANG SLURPEE.

HuffPo says 7-Eleven is "hoping to target females in their 20s" with this Slurpee. Ohhhh, so you're making Lady Slurpees! Why didn't you just say so? We think that's a great idea. But, why stop there, 7-Eleven? Here's this list of Other Stuffs 20-Something Chicks Like At Places. We promise that if you stock these things in your 7-Elevens, you'll definitely bag all them chicks.

20-Something Chicks Like:

*****

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1. Dickhead dudes who treat them like shits. Stock your shelves with a bunch of this guy and the 20-somethings will come a-knockin'. Affliction shirt + booze + head shaped like dick = magnetic.

*****

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2. Weighing themselves.

*****

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3. Rainbow unicorns.

*****

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Alice Laussade
4. Telling other people what they like.

*****

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5. Arcade Fire

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44 comments
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gluten free foods restaurants
gluten free foods restaurants

If you can't determine menus about a restaurant or café before leaving your house, then telephone ahead. Perhaps make certain you have a couple of choices in the area, just in case a 'gluten free' restaurant is just claiming the certification to increase patrons, but knows zero about gluten free. Trust me, it happens more than you might think.

gluten free foods restaurants
gluten free foods restaurants

If you can't determine menus about a restaurant or café before leaving your house, then telephone ahead. Perhaps make certain you have a couple of choices in the area, just in case a 'gluten free' restaurant is just claiming the certification to increase patrons, but knows zero about gluten free. Trust me, it happens more than you might think.

spud
spud

This is great!! I haven't had a slurpee since I was 6, 20 years ago!! After I was diagnosed with Diabetes.  Slurpee saved me, almost died because of it, and found out I was diabetic because of it.

The Credible Hulk
The Credible Hulk

Oh, Alice. When you're right, you're right.

Nothing screams "Douchebag" louder than an affliction t-shirt, but the young ladies seem to lap that sheeeit up faster than the foam on a caramel macchiatto. 

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

The only thing better than raibow unicorns is double rainbow unicorns.....well that and sex....with 20 something chicks

just sayin'
just sayin'

Calling Alice a one trick pony would be an insult to ponies and anything that has ever learned one trick.

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

Oh, come on! Get serious, folks!!!................ Does it cause brain freeze lite?

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Your writing is partly wasted on the food blog. And I don't mean that in a demeaning way towards the other bloggers. Thanks for this.

ObserverFan
ObserverFan

 Mmmm Slurpee. D-bags and unicorn rainbow cookies all in one post?!? Too much awesomeness.

Guest
Guest

Slurpee Lite: "'I'M A FUCKING VEN DIAGRAM WHERE THE INTERSECTION OF PEDOPHILE FARTS AND HOBO TURDS MEET!  YOU WILL CONSUME ME!"  

Alice: "FUUUUUUCK! AND SHIT."

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

If The Chesterfield had innovated this you all would've flooded the place with jizz.

Lansingmichiganrag
Lansingmichiganrag

Don't you see, when Ms. Laussade uses potty words like "shit" and "fuck," she shocks us back into reality from our mundane, drab, bourgeois lives.  She beckons us to live, to, for once in our lives, be the warrior poet/ess that we were truly meant to be.  Thank you, Ms. Laussade. You are the quintessence of what it means to be an artist, a visionary; you are a brilliant fireball too beautiful to turn away from, no matter how dangerous you might be to our timid minds, our hum drum aesthetic. 

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

You should get a job with the DO, because that shit was the funniest crap i've read all week! I'm gonna pour a bit of my Slurpee Lite out for ya!  

Niesie
Niesie

My husband is a diabetic and having something other than flavored water or diet soda to drink will be awesome for him.  Thank you 7-11!!

broadside
broadside

try the fucking garden hose ferchissakes..

Mervis
Mervis

Isn't it just a Diet Soda Slurpie?

Im_Ed_Carter
Im_Ed_Carter

I think I just shed a tear...

In vertical water boarding...

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

7-11 probably helped cause his diabetes...

In iPhong texting...

Hahahahahah
Hahahahahah

hahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahah
Hahahahahahah

i liked this article and thought it was funny everyone sucks

broadside
broadside

that's right, cuz YOU don't suck...

guest
guest

Talk about being sexist. I don't like any of those things, so fuck you then! 

hahahaha
hahahaha

first of all this article was written by a woman. secondly she wasnt being serious 

Brandi
Brandi

I'm sure this is supposed to be funny, but as a female in my 20s I don't like any of those things. 

Mervis
Mervis

I don't know Brandi. When Alice writes a story you can be fairly confident that she researched the subject thorougly and came to the conclusion that ALL twenty-something chicks like these five things.

Anna Merlan
Anna Merlan

I pin the unholy shit out of some unicorns. While weighing myself. Next to some douchey guy toppling over under the weight of his hair-gel. Oh yeah. 

Anna Merlan
Anna Merlan

Win Butler stands next to me while all this is going on and enthuses about how rad my hair looks. 

Mervis
Mervis

Good thing you left out Arcade Fire. Nic might be offended.

MKAE
MKAE

nah...that's ok.

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

The less calories mean you can get the larger size, and fill it up, with your favorite alcoholic beverage(mine is courvoisier). So don't hate....Slurpreciate!

Nic Rodriguez
Nic Rodriguez

Can we leave Arcade Fire out of this?

Nick R.
Nick R.

I missed that the first time around because I had to Pin the unicorns

Mervis
Mervis

Did she strike a nerve Nic?

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