Five Things I Learned from My "Foodie Cleanse"

cleanse_four.jpg
photos and cooking by foodbitch
Tomorrow marks 10 days of me doing the cleansing. Here's what I've gathered during my stint.

5. A "foodie cleanse" = a SHIT-TON of work.
I like to cook, even love it. But after an average of two hours of cooking every night, I've come to realize that nobody can love cooking this much. And you cleansers who just pop a top or juice a few veggies? Don't even! Suck it up, wussies.

beetsoup.jpg
Photography by Kimberly Hasselbrink
Yeah. Mine looked like barf.
4a. Hello, food stylist!
I am not one. But Bon Appetit Magazine has a great one. Seriously. Somebody give that bitch a raise. The website's beautiful interactive menu carousel is actually super useful for us cleansers, but compared with my end product, BA's dishes were the Miss America to my Ugly Betty. (See 4b.)
4b. Lentils look like shit and don't taste too much better.
Not much more needs to be said about that. And never reheat them, or you'll be faced with choking down cement for dinner.

3. Not all recipes are perfect.
Or so says the THREE TABLESPOONS of salt the recipe for caramelized onions called for. I was certain Bon Appetit wouldn't have made such a grievous error, but I went ahead and used half that. The onions were still practically inedible. There were also entire grocery items I bought that went unused. Sure, I skipped a couple meals here and there, but something still doesn't add up. I'm going to need to use up a lot of leeks, some chard and a whole package of something called parsnips.

2. 14 days of cooking every single day isn't exactly realistic.
And I don't even have kids. It's virtually impossible to get anything else done after work, or even to socialize properly, when you need to be in the kitchen that much. So A) I fudged a few meals by eating dry, sad lettuce out and my real cleanse dinner or lunch after. And B) I'm only doing this shit for 10 days, ceasing the cleanse on my birthday, which is Thursday. Go ahead, call me a quitter. Cleanse Rage is real and you just might find out why.

1. Turns out I'm just a wannabe cleanser.
As in, not a real one. I don't feel any cleaner. It certainly feels like I ate healthier for a time, but I didn't note more energy or any of the other oft-reported effects of a good cleanse. Maybe I eat too healthy the rest of the time? Yeah, I'm not buying that. In the end, it left me about a pound lighter, and a bit underwhelmed. But I feel good about taking on this big challenge, even if I do opt out a bit early. Perhaps next year right before my birthday I'll try something else ridiculously complicated to distract myself from getting older.

Follow foodbitch and City of Ate on Twitter.


My Voice Nation Help
15 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
Pregnancy Miscarriage Symptoms
Pregnancy Miscarriage Symptoms

Make certain you drink 6 to 12 glasses.  To know what you wish, determine out your weight, divide it by half, and take that quantity because the quantity of ounces of water that you just want to drink every day.  REMEMBER: Do not drink the required each day quantities of water multi functional go, it will severely hurt you.

cp
cp

You're supposed to use a bunch of salt for CARAMELIZING onions, that's how they caramelize! 

VP
VP

 Really??? All this time I thought it was heat, a little fat and some time.

tgraven
tgraven

My hat's off to you FB.  I'm not even sure I eat a vegetable every day for 10 days in a row.  Now gidabitchaburger!  

CitizenKane
CitizenKane

Is "cleanse" the new it word for dieting?

Mel
Mel

I call foul on this!  I just completed a 19 day cleanse (stopped two days before the target 21 days due to going to the Austin Food and Wine festival).  I work full-time, two kids under 4, single mom M-F --> and I managed to complete the cleanse using rabbit food - foodiestyle.  It was hard (for a daily wine-aholic/carb-fiend etc.), but it is doable.  I found that getting the Greenling local box helped - it would inspire me to use up all the veggies in new and creative ways.  Luckily, avocados were allowed on my cleanse (in addition to all the veggies and supplements) - so I made a lot of soups.  I found that having a huge variety of veggies, in very different styles, tricked my mind.  I lost ten pounds in less than three weeks..so something has to be said for it.  (and while I had ten pounds to loose, I am not big.)  I am trying to continue in this vein during the work week, to allow myself to eat whatever on weekends...we shall see

Rebecca Steinberg
Rebecca Steinberg

perhaps all of the energy you were gaining was being used in the kitchen to cook the ridiculously complicated meals?  i agree about the not being realistic. i tried something very similar to this last year at my birthday (which is next monday).mine was a pregnancy specific cleanse to feed the babe healthy goods. i quit after 4 days. being 7 months pregnant and having a 3 year old (who would not eat my healthy meals) made the whole thing completely futile. i spent so much time standing in the kitchen that i spent no time with elijah and ended up super hungry with swollen ankles. on the 5th day elijah and i made hamburgers and sat outside and had a picnic. it took me half the time to cook it and i had a great date with my son. :) not saying it's not worth it for everyone but the benefits were equal to or greater than the energy/cost/time spent.

Mr. Foodbitch
Mr. Foodbitch

As an unwilling participant in this 'cleanse", I am so glad this is over.... foodbitch is an amazing cook, but this forced her to cook using only ingredients suitable for rabbits!

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

Give me your parsnips.

foodbitch
foodbitch

Want to use them in next month's "The Box?"

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

Sounds like a 6 degrees to Anna...

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

Want to use them in my face. They're awesome!

NewsDog
NewsDog

Good stuff Maynard.

Parsnips and carrots... the littlest bit of olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast them. 

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...