The Cheap Bastard's Ultimate Guide to Eating like a Total Cheap Bastard in Dallas
Calorie Bombs/Hangover Cures
911 N. Peak St.
What to order when you get here: 5-Alarm breakfast taco (refried beans, eggs, chorizo, five-chile salsa and cheese in a 14-inch tortilla) at breakfast. At lunchtimes: The Lester (soft flour tortilla layered with refried beans then folded around a crispy corn shell, then ground sirloin, then lettuce, tomatoes and cheese for $2.69) and Disaster Queso (queso + ground beef + guac + pico = Kool-Aid guy "Oh Yeah").
While you wait: 1) Put your mouth directly to the self-serve jalapeño ranch pump. 2) Pump.
Maple & Motor
4810 Maple Ave.
Guy Fieri likes the burger here, but don't take his word for it. (Dude is like a cracked-out 80-year-old Miamian. He wears tennis wristbands, lost his sunglasses on the back of his head and won't stop yelling "BACON!") Get there and try this meat house yourself.
The hangover cure here: tots with cheese, bacon and jalapeños. Or, ya know, a burger. Or hair of the dog.
2726 Commerce St.
Burgers. Chicken wings. Hot dogs. Cheese fries. Beers. Basically, you're at Chili's without having to go inside a motherhunching Chili's. "Hey, guys! Welcome to Chili's!!! My name's Greg McDonglick and I'll be your server tonight!! Wanna try our new Southwestern Egg Roll Mimosa Burgers??!? THEY'RE GREAT I HATE MY LIFE!" A server at Angry Dog would never exclaim "mimosas" at you. Never.
Trailercakes (food truck)
The mini cupcakes at the Trailercakes food truck are sweet, piled high with frosting, and they need to go swiftly into your mouth part. Try the PB&J cupcake (peanut butter icing piled on top of grape jelly-filled white cupcake), a Strawberry Fields (white chocolate cupcake with strawberry icing and a strawberry Pop Tart jabbed in the top for good measure. Yumb.) and the Cookie Monster (Oreo cookie crust, plus white cake with marshmallow center, topped with Oreo buttercream and AN OREO).
9007 Garland Road
Actual conversation that happened when I was in line the last time I was at Hypnotic:
Customer: (looking at a case full of animal-cracker-topped donuts) So, um -- you guys have
Owner: (unapologetically) Naw, man. No.
Customer: OK. Gimme a half dozen of the bacon ones.
Come to Hypnotic Donuts on Lone Star Wednesdays and from 11 a.m.-12 p.m., you can get your doughnut, chicken biscuit and free Lone Star.
You want the Kaye's Chicken Biscuit. It comes with the aforementioned chicken, biscuit, cream cheese, fresh jalapeños, and it makes you yell, "CHIK-FIL-A CAN GO BLOW A GOAT!! THIS IS AMAZETITS AND THIS JOINT IS OPEN ON SUNDAYS WHICH IS SOMEHOW THE ONLY DAY YOU EVER REALLY NEED A CHICKEN BISCUIT ANYWAY!" Beer, a chicken biscuit and a bacon-topped doughnut? If this breakfast had boobs, you'd marry it.
Ssahm BBQ (food truck)
Sara Kerens A beautiful mess of kimchee fries
Kimchee fries (fresh, hand-cut fries, Monterey Jack and cheddar cheese, cilantro, onion, caramelized kimchee and spicy mayo plus their spicy marinated pork) are the best cheese fries you'll ever eat. Order the Ssahm Dawg and the nice lady in the truck will actually ask you, "What kind of meat do you want on your bacon-wrapped hot dog?" Meat trifecta?!? Yes. It's a bacon-wrapped hot dog topped with your choice of their marinated beef or pork, plus jalapeños, lettuce, cheese, cilantro and onion, caramelized kimchee, wasabi mayo, spicy mayo (because everyone knows a meat trifecta requires two mayos) and a side of "AMERICAAAA! FUCK YEAH!"
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