The Cheap Bastard's Ultimate Guide to Eating like a Total Cheap Bastard in Dallas

Categories: Cheap Bastard

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Dan Zettwoch
Click to see the full Cheap Bastard cover
For this week's cover story, Alice "The Cheap Bastard" Laussade provides an extensive and profane guide to, as she puts it, her "favorite restaurants in Dallas where cheap meets delicious (without meeting diarrhea)." It follows. Also, now you can Cheap Bastardize freakin' anything.

Drive-Through Deals
White Rock Coffee
4216 Abrams Road
The Starbucks drive-through on Northwest Highway has a singing barista. Guess that's cool if you like to start your morning by busting barista noses. If someone singing at you before you've had your coffee sounds like the worst marketing idea ever, check out White Rock Coffee. Drive up and get you some caffeine. Order a White Rocker (latte with caramel and white chocolate), then brag for the rest of your life that you got face-banged by Bret Michaels.

Big Mama's Chicken N Waffles
9810 Forest Lane
At Big Mama's Chicken N Waffles, you can drive through the line or walk up to the window. Either way, you're paying cash only. So bring your bills and order the chicken and waffles. Do not stray from this order. Repeat: Do not be a doofus.

When you look at the food pile they serve up, you'll think, "It's just chicken and waffles. I mean, seriously, how good can it [bite] AWMAHAGAD THAT'S WHAT MY MOUTH LIKES!" Eat it.

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Dan Zettwoch
It's time to find the stuff in this thing! Click to embiggen and play
T C Shaved Ice
10999 Garland Road
TC Shaved Ice offers a unique variety of flavor options, including, but not limited to, "tigers blood" (pretty sure it was strawberry plus coconut), "dreamsycle" and "raspbery." A large shaved ice costs less than three bucks (cash only), but brings you 100 percent relief from even the flop-sweatiest of Texas summers. Plus, you'll probably see a hooker.

Seafood Shack
11625 Webb Chapel Road
Fried fish? Yuh huh. Drive-through or dine-in, the crispy, so-hot-out-of-the-fryer-it'll-melt-your-face-off-Iron-Maiden-or-Indiana-Jones-or-Total-Recall-style fried catfish fillet and fried shrimp basket comes with fries, tastes better than Brad Pitt looks in Legends of the Fall and will cost you about seven bucks.

Note: Seafood Shack won't let you order a margarita from their drive-through. I asked. Research.

Keller's Drive-In
6537 E. Northwest Highway
Amuhrika is the best place ever. And that is, in part, because of Keller's. Here, you can drive up, put the car in park and order a burger, beer and even cigarettes while your engine is still running for absolutely no reason. While you suck down a cheeseburger, drink in the scenery: 20 chicks in the bed of a pickup, cyclists in spandex, a motorcycle gang or three and the best artist's rendering of a hamburger with "special dressing" ever.

Cool & Hot Tacos
930 E. 8th St.
There are nine things you need to know about Cool & Hot. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Great tacos. Get picadillo.
2. And snow cones. Snow cones!!
3. Shakes!
4. Credit cards: Yes.
5. Scenic tire-shop views.
6. Breakfast tacos all day, which is stunning because:
7. They're open 24 hours Thursday through Sunday
8. Butt cracks!!!
9. Drive-through or walk-up. If you walk up, sit on their patio and play "Cat Calls: Love 'Em Because They Make Me Feel Like a Special and Respected Lady."

Dog Stop
6857 Arapaho Road
When it's hot dog time -- and really, when isn't it hot-dog time? -- check this place out. It's cash only and there's no seating inside, but they have the neon relish and Vienna beef your stomach seeks. A Texas Dog will cost you next to nothing and comes loaded with mustard, tomatoes, jalapeños and something called "salarysalt."

Dog Stop also serves shaved ice. So, theoretically, you could ask them to put dreamsicle syrup on your hot dog. Oooh -- or you could order a shaved ice with hot dog syrup. "More mustard, please!" Oh, that'd be gross? Right. Because a hot dog isn't assholes and elbows to start with.

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Sara Kerens
Egg Roll Hut
4509 Columbia Ave.
You've driven past Egg Roll Hut a million times, and you probably had no idea you were missing out on the best chocolate malt in Dallas. The Internet will tell you to try the chicken fried rice at the Egg Roll Hut, and to the Internet, I say, "INTERNET WRONG!" Pass on the egg roll, the burger, the chicken-fried steak basket ("with homemade gravy") and get the chocolate malt. Egg Roll Hut takes credit cards, offers delivery and is open late. If you drive through, bring a buddy. On a scale of safe-looking to scary-looking, Egg Roll Hut is Ron Perlman.

Buffet, Real or Imagined
Mama's Daughters'
2014 Irving Blvd.
Chicken-fried steak or chicken-fried chicken. Whatever you order at Mama's Daughters', make sure it's something-fried-something and you're guaranteed to leave happy. In this most perfect diner ever (packed with bitchy waitresses and super nice old dudes) they have daily "Meat & 3" specials, which all include a meaty entrée and three sides (I always go mashed carb, fried carb, cheesy carb). Is it sensible to include three side items with every giant entrée? Fuck yes, it is, darlin'.

Sweet Georgia Brown
2840 E. Ledbetter Drive
Did you hear that? That was the sound of Tony Horton screaming, "NOOOO!!!" Darth-Vader-style as you walked in the door of Sweet Georgia Brown's. This place is a buffet-style Mama's Daughters'. Plus barbecue. It's the polar opposite of Spiral Diner. I dare you to ask them if the have a low-carb option here. Wait -- I undare you. Don't get concussed. "Sir, why is there a beef rib sticking out of your forehead?"

When you order, they put your food straight into a Styrofoam container fit for carry-out, because -- let's be real here -- if you eat three sausage links, plus two scoops of greens (Holy Soul Food Jesus, get the greens. They're at least 40 percent meat), plus two scoops of mashed potatoes, plus two scoops of macaroni and cheese plus cornbread all in one sitting, you're the exception to the motherhuggin' rule.

The buffet here will run you around $14. Which ain't a bad deal for the three meals you'll get out of it.

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Jay Barker
Taj Express
4436 Lemmon Ave.
Taj Express looks kinda busted from the outside, which makes stupid people scared to go in there. Sweet.

Smart people get to eat all the naan, papadams and creamy, cheesy spinach stuff they can stuff in their mouth holes. The all-you-can-eat buffet costs about $8 per person, changes daily and offers just a few entrée options. Sometimes it's tikka masala day, sometimes it's tandoori chicken day, sometimes it's korma day. Embrace the random.

Tortas La Hechizera
13531 Montfort Drive, No. 127
Do not order El Aragon at Tortas la Hechizera if you generally feel inadequate. Found on the "Las Peligrosas" section of the menu, this bigger-than-Meatloaf's-moobs sandwich is packed with beef fajita meat, poblano peppers, raw onion, tomato, sour cream, avocado and the meltiest cheese ever. It's better than seeing jeggings on a fat cat.

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Sara Kerens
Wingfield's Breakfast & Burger
2615 S. Beckley Ave.
Every time someone orders the triple bacon cheeseburger at Wingfield's, an angel goes, "Are you fucking kidding me? C'mon, you guys."

Here's the Wingfield's drill: Walk inside this tiny, tiny building (which only holds about six people, uncomfortably) and order a burger and a drink. Do not order fries. In this case, fries are a waste of precious burger stomach space. (And the burger you're about to eat is Jessica-Simpson's-current-ass big.) Pay cash. Wait for about 10 minutes, until you hear your name yelled.

Bring the food back to your car and Dyson it. (There's no seating inside. You could stand in there and eat your burger at the people who are waiting in line, though).

Next: Calorie Bombs and hangover cures.


My Voice Nation Help
69 comments
oldmagicman666
oldmagicman666

Forget all this! Go to Arlington, get off on Collins St. or is that Cooper? Damn beer! Go to the Cowboys monstrosity on the left, look for discarded airplane parts on the right! You found it "AIRWAYS" Burger Joint & Drive Thru! Go inside to see more airplane junk, order the Double! If you can't frigging eat it all make the dog happy later, it's cheap, only a $1 more. Order fries and rings, share! The dog will probably go hungry, you wont. Fly off into bliss!

GregMDL1978
GregMDL1978

That's Dr. McDonglick to you, Ms. Laussade. The Chili's gig was for the free drinks and the cute bartender. Now please, lay off the crack pipe. It greatly exacerbates bipolar disorder.

DallasSubserver
DallasSubserver

BEST FOOD-WRITEUP EVER. Alice Laussade, I wanna kiss your tongue for speaking such vulgarities so candidly :P"

Just
Just

Holy crap, I'm so hungry right now I might have to make my husband put on pants and take me somewhere to eat.

Chuck G.
Chuck G.

Come to 'TC Shaved Ass'--"We'll dry-razor your ass in no time, and shave you a buttload of money."

Paul
Paul

Dairy-ette says it all ... better like mustard if you order it on your burger

Forrest
Forrest

1. Well done on the article2. Still laughing 3. Great tips that I am already using - the bologna sandwich at Maple and Motor is bangin'!

mark zero (Jason)
mark zero (Jason)

There's boobies & stuff hidden in that placemat word search. (I think this should be a recurring feature)

JOSHUA
JOSHUA

I just got outta Medical City from a triple bipass and a stent operation, got a belly wrap, and stoked up on 60 mg Lippitor....so now I hit the ATM for $400 skins and am headed out to do the entire list in one weekend.   Send the flowers to Restland or a contribution to the Parkland Hospital Doctor's Lounge coffee fund.

amy
amy

Taj Express is the shit!

brian
brian

Great list of spots to his in Dallas...but I'm not entirely sure what makes it a list for cheap bastards...

KP
KP

Great article. for some reason it makes me want to over cuss to convey how awesome it is.

Royalty
Royalty

No cheap sushi places....we all don't want to die in our own lard. Disappointed. A typical hipster list.

JE
JE

I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy!

Such an awesome article and list. Many of my favorite spots with plenty more to try out. I think above all, thank you for getting in some real gems outside of the city center. We live in Dallas and while we've got to fucking drive to get anywhere, there's still a lot of great hidden places.

Bk
Bk

Great list, however NOTHING will ever replace Metro Diner. I know there's an OC location, but I haven't been. Also, J's Breakfast and Burgers and Dallas Diner and Donuts should be on this list as well.

Mrs Esterhouse
Mrs Esterhouse

Metro over off of davis/hampton has chicken fried steak hash, toast and 2 eggs every sunday for $6.50Cosmo's half priced pizza on SundaysLibertine half priced food TuesMeridian Room half priced food WedsLee Harvey's half priced burs Weds and $1 taco MonBryan Street Tavern half priced wangs on Wed and I think a pizza deal Tues*if you're stuck in Northpark for whatever reason, McCormick and Schmick has a really cheap happy hr menu-  $4- 1/2lb cheeseburger and I had mussels for around $6 and calamari for around $5.... tons of stuff on their happy hr menu

just some other deals off the top of my head

gabbahey
gabbahey

Alice, I think I luv u.

Me.

Robert S
Robert S

BIG MAMA'S Chicken and Waffles:

This place is NO JOKE – the BEST fried chicken in the ENTIRE world. – CASH ONLY too. I have been going there for years. I have introduced quite a few people to Big Mama’s – all fans to this day. The last time I went was a Sat afternoon – we grabbed our order and turned it in to a tailgate party/picnic – that was the day I made the wife and kid fans of BigMama’s.

Missmaei
Missmaei

drove by Seafood Shack earlier, it looked closed, there was tape around the parking lot, hope it's a remodel and I am wrong, love that dive

twinwillow
twinwillow

Love the list! Most are on my regular rotation. As a matter of fact, I had lunch at La Banqueta today. Suadero Torta with onions and cilantro and a gallon of green sauce. $5.00! Yummo!

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

LOVE! Printed and permanently placed in the glovebox for reference.... along with cash and a shiv.

CNI Dawg
CNI Dawg

Gone but not forgotten....Lakewood Cafe, Mitchell's BBQ

ObserverFan
ObserverFan

Awesome list Alice! Viva la Cheap Bastard!

primi timpano
primi timpano

Kicking ass, as usual.  But my south texas heritage compels me to suggest a great menudo in the hangover cure section.

I think I have some weight to gain,

Thx

MikeInDallas
MikeInDallas

Don't know if you've heard, but Taj Express on Lemmon has closed! They said the property is being renovated into a better looking strip center by the landlord and the restaurant will reopen once the renovation is completed. Here's hoping!

primi timpano
primi timpano

 Congrats, but our Alice don't need no stinking trophies.  She's our Alice and she kicks major league ass.

Mervis
Mervis

Maybe try actually reading the whole story Royalty before commenting.

Page 3

Kazy's Gourmet9256 Markville DriveEverybody please keep going to freakin' Steel and stupid Kona Grill so I can keep being the only person in line at Kazy's Gourmet getting sushi rolls for $2 each that are likely made with the same fish they're serving you at your favorite hippest, coolest, all-the-rage mega fancypants Dallas sushisteraunt. This Japanese market supplies fish to many local sushi restaurants. You can get sashimi grade fish here for an at-home sushi night, plus they have giant fridges and freezers full of fresh quail eggs, tubs of made-on-site wasabi, roe, potstickers and all kinds of fun sodas. I just bought five rolls and six pieces of sushi for 20 bucks. Sushi boom.

Daniel
Daniel

Good places all, but hipster-approved joints don't count.

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

UPDATE: According to @JaimesonPaul , this: "@thecheapbastard good news! Seafood Shack was up and running this morning when I drove by. Crisis over.”

When I go to Cinemark 17 next, I'll confirm this serious research.

Mervis
Mervis

Used to go there when I worked up there. We called it the Fisheria.

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

I just called them. Says their mailbox is full. I was happy that the number wasn't disconnected, though-- more research will be done.

Missmaei
Missmaei

phone no worky for SS either, Hope I'm wrong, love their oysters

twinwillow
twinwillow

Hmm, Just had lunch there Monday.

RSF
RSF

If you are from Lakewood you never called it Lakewood Cafe!

primi timpano
primi timpano

 Sushi kiosk at the Super H is also great and reasonably priced.

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

By the way, if they're closed, I'm going to have to have a fundraiser to get them to open up again. I would cry many cries if I learned that the combo platter I had at Seafood Shack last week was the last one I'll ever have there. 

primi timpano
primi timpano

 It would be a crying shame.  Some of the best soups in Dallas.

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