At the Dallas Bicycle Cafe, the Cheap Bastard is a Sweaty Bastard, and a Happy One, Too

Categories: Cheap Bastard

bikecafe1.jpg
Sweaty camel-toe count: 32
People post-workout high-fiving count: 5

On Northwest Highway, right next to Bicycle Works, a bicycle café called Bicycle Café (7510 East Northwest Highway) recently opened. When you walk inside and see all the bicyclephernalia on the walls and all the people still wearing their helmets while drinking light beers and talking about "bonking" without at all meaning sexing someone up, you'll say to yourself, "Oh, this is clearly a café for people who ride bikes."

Dallas Bicycle Café is a land where everyfuckingone acts like it's totally normal to eat with sweating balls while wearing spandex everything. There's a bike rack out front. There are bike handlebars mounted on the walls like deer heads. The café even has lockers and a bicycle storage program. (Store your bike and your bike crap at the café for $40 a month. Price includes four beers or coffees per month. Note: If you use these free drinks on coffee, you lose at life.) Pretty sure I'm the only person here who fills her CamelBak with Lone Star.

But even if you don't ride a bike, this can still be a great place to get a pre- or post-workout meal. The menu here is super healthy. Among a million other healthy options, see: quinoa bowl, steel-cut oatmeal, hummus plate, acai berry bowl, grilled tofu tacos. (They do serve bacon, so you don't have to be completely freaked out right now). The café's website says that's because they "serve athletes." So, whether you're a runner, a cyclist, a porn star who just pulled a double (without stretching), a mom who's spent the last four hours trying not to punch her dickhead tween in the junks -- no matter what kind of athlete you are, Dallas Bicycle Café has a meal that will help fuel your day.

I ordered the couscous bowl (grilled chicken, tilapia or tofu with cucumbers, carrots, spinach and cilantro pesto vinaigrette dressing) with tilapia to help me recover from a pretty hardcore trying-to-like-Mad Men-when-that-show-is-the-shitty-balls training session. It was more salad than couscous, but I liked it. A lot. I ate it three times in three weeks.

This place is going to ruin my Food Iron Man training (2-mile whiskey swim, 100-mile bacon-doughnut ride, 26-mile beer run).



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10 comments
Armando Guerrero
Armando Guerrero

CRAZIEST AND FUNNIEST CRITIC FOR THE CAFE EVER, THANK YOU ALICE 

Armando Guerrero
Armando Guerrero

CRAZIEST AND FUNNIEST CRITIC FOR THE CAFE EVER,THANK YOU ALICE 

Hello
Hello

That fried mound of goodness was like "FUCKIN' A I'M AWESOME EAT ME!" and I was like fuck yeah I will.  It was 90% cherub testicles and 10% aged cheddar.  Look at me, I can write real clever!

Sybils_Beaver
Sybils_Beaver

the cylcist who was having a beer while still wearing his helmet inside the cafe should have been kicked in his sweaty camel toe.  He should have been kicked multiple times until you gave him bloody taint.  Then you could have mixed the taint blood with the camel toe sweat and you have a new mixed beverage and called it Rangers100

twinwillow
twinwillow

Alice, I love when you talk dirty!

Jon Daniel
Jon Daniel

"a mom who's spent the last four hours trying not to punch her dickhead tween in the junks" - greatness

ts
ts

I'm jumping on the domain name for " 2 mile whiskey swim".  I'd buy their albums in a heartbeat.

primi timpano
primi timpano

 Unaltered men do not have camel toes.  And Alice, really 32 camel toes?  Amazing.

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