Ten Awesome Food Items That Aren't Food
1. Pizza Sleeping Bag (above)
This why-the-eff-didn't-I-think-of-that idea from B Fiber and Craft combines the unique pizza passion that exists inside us all with our desire to sleep outside. For a mere 250 American dollars (plus shipping), you can get a made-to-order sleeping bag with your choice of mushrooms, broccoli, pepperoni, and olives. And it's lined in satin to help you achieve sexiness while still being surrounded by pizza, which is typically an impossible combination in the traditional setting. So forget those custom-painted Toms and put that expendable income to good use.
2. Food Tents
If I was lost in the woods and stumbled upon a tent that looked like a giant club sandwich or wedge of watermelon, I'm pretty sure I would hang out with the tent's owner immediately. Field Candy is a tent company with a hoard of designers who obviously understand the tent market's lack of hilarity -- and maybe not so much the recession (they start at a whopping 600 dollars). Regardless, it's hard not to fantasize about being responsible for making the woods a little more awesome with a giant cheese tent.
3. Baked Potato Bean Bag Chair
Let's be honest: You know you've popped open a steamy, impossibly fluffy baked potato and secretly wished Rick Moranis could laser-beam you with his shrink ray so you could hang out inside of Potatoland for a little while. Well, here's the answer to your (my) prayers. The baked potato bean bag chair with a pillow that is very likely on Paula Deen's bed. This is yet another creation from Etsy's B Fiber and Craft store, which should probably change its name to B Fiber and Crafty Shit for Fatties.
4. Cheeseburger Bed
"Um, yes. Your delivery guys -- who were very rude, by the way -- just assembled the queen-sized cheeseburger bed I ordered from you guys, and while everything looks good, once I tucked into it I saw that it was medium-well. I SPECIFICALLY ordered medium rare. Please take it back and bring me a new one with a little pink in the middle and spit between the sheets."
5. Bacon Shoes, Bacon Scarf, Meat Bermuda Shorts, Meat Cleaver Earrings
Well I know what my summer wardrobe's motif will be. Nothing says style like a beautiful amalgamation of haute couture and bacon, bacon, bacon. Surely the next big thing at Fashion Week. When Bryant Park is crawling with supermodels wearing bacon Keds, I think we can all collectively agree that maybe that Lady Gaga isn't so crazy after all.
6. Bacon Lip Balm
Lip Smackers may have missed an opportunity here. They cornered the Dr. Pepper lip balm market, but failed to capture the market of meat-loving citizens of 3rd grade classrooms everywhere. No telling what percentage of my allowance would have been wasted on such a product, but it would have likely been substantial. But now I have Amazon Prime and can order all the bacon-flavored lip products my heart desires. You're welcome, boyfriend.
7. Burger Ring
A stackable, mix-and-matchable, shareable piece of jewelry that clearly understands the working girl's desire to exude a classy exterior, yet not neglect the core of her being: cheeseburgers. Valentine's day has passed but let us not forget his little gem in 11 months, men. It might take you that long to translate the website, for it is written in the opposite of English. Just find the box in which you can shove your credit card number and your special lady will be yours forever.
8. Egg Rug
You could roll around on this, yes? You could certainly entertain the ladies in front of the fireplace on this classy homage to the incredible, edible egg. Admittedly, it would be be difficult to find complimentary pieces for such a stunning rug. However, a quick Google search found a chair out there with bacon upholstery, so update your living room décor if you're a staunch supporter of breakfast.
9. Peanut Butter and Jelly Pillows
If you don't think this is the cutest effing thing in the current state of pillowdom, you are hollow inside. Again, these were found on Etsy. That place -- it's a mecca for kitschy home decorations. Peanut butter and jelly pillows, you will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine.