St. Patrick's Day, I Should Point Out, Sucks

Categories: Holidays, Whimsy

green beer.jpg
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I want to love it like Alice does. I've been looking out my office window and noticing how all the tree buds have filled out; Dallas is awash in a sea of green, and it won't be long before the sun bakes everything into a mottled brown. Why not throw on a green shirt, find a nice pub and drink down 17 pints of beer while singing terrible folk songs?

Oh yeah. Because you can't.

While this is my first St. Patrick's Day in Dallas, I know where this is headed. All the decent pubs will open early and stay packed all day. Trying to finding a seat at the bar will be like trying to find free valet parking downtown, and drunk people who I don't like will constantly invade my personal space while I drink.

I could go to a non-Irish bar, but things would only be worse. European and craft drafts will get replaced with keg after keg of horse piss, and while I love my horse piss (Budweiser, specifically), pints of green beer make me so angry I want to cock punch a leprechaun.

I might try my go-to tactic, the holiday flip-flop, wherein I patronize a Mexican restaurant on St. Patrick's Day (margaritas are green) and an Irish Pub on Cinco de Mayo (they always have at least one Mexican beer). But I've had so much Tex-Mex lately my insides feel like one big sour cream enchilada.

Maybe I'll fill up a flask with Jameson and check out this parade that Mark Cuban saved. If there's one thing I've noticed Dallas does well, it's big, outdoor parties. Oktoberfest and the Greek Festival just about blew my mind; why not a Greenville Avenue Parade? Maybe if I ditch out a touch early I'll be able to grab a stool at the Dubliner before the massive crowd pushes in behind me. Drunk people invading my space won't be as bothersome as long as I can get drunker than they are first.


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31 comments
pleasedon'tshockmymonkey
pleasedon'tshockmymonkey

Go to the Village Voice(New York's free rag) and see how many post they have concerning St.Padraig's Day. Not too many. Once again reaffirming the small provincial minds that make up this wannabe city. God bless all!

I have done this before.
I have done this before.

The Dubliner removes all the furniture on St. Pat's. No bar stools, chairs or tables. Just that one bench along the back wall is left and you might die from being crushed if you try to sit there anyway. Standing under the tent is your best bet. No sunburn on a nice year. No rain on a bad one. Good luck and godspeed.

Steve
Steve

 For all your articles about Combos, PBR, McDonald's (like five so far?), Taco Bell, etc., you certainly are a fart-sniffer of the highest order about some things.

Chubby Kid
Chubby Kid

Every time I read an article by Scott Reitz, I like him a little bit less.

Noah_111
Noah_111

All the negative people need to get the hell out of HERE! Thank you!

Noah_111
Noah_111

What time does the parade start?

Joezylka
Joezylka

Walk down TOWARDS the block party and stop in on house parties. The front yard parties are truly the best thing about Dallas' St Patricks day.

Danni Holleran
Danni Holleran

Being that I am from Dublin, Ireland and have spent the last six years experiencing some very similar occurrences on St. Paddy's day in Dallas, I concur! I don't, however, agree with your description of folk music..."terrible" c'mon!! Folk music is great craic, especially after a few pints with the right company! 

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

The parade is awesome, that is all.  B.C. (before children) we used to have a big time over there.  One of the few things that Dallas (y'all should all send Cubes a nice card or a snack) does right.

If'n y'all don't know who Ryan Bingham is (he's playing the concert tomorrow), then your slipping. He's awesome, I downloaded "Take it easy mama" and "Endless ways" last night..he good.

Scott is doing bits methinks, he wants to be let alone on St Paddy's..drinks PBR..has several trendy hats I bet. You should hang out with Jon Daniels, Scott...I know you'd be left alone then.

therrick
therrick

 I hate St. Patty's Day the same way I hate like New Year's Eve, too many amateurs out there. When I lived close to the parade route I hated that as well, as that shit would wake me up when I was trying to recover from the night before.

Going Green
Going Green

I think "a touch early" would be about 6am to get a stool at the Dubliner.  The block party is a mess.  The parade is where its at.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

Or yoou could stay at home, and not celebrate a holiday that isnt actually yours,(that is of course if you are not Irish)  See, I will be drinking tomorrow but not for St Paddy, but rather March Madness, and if one mother fucker pinches me for not wearing green, Imma taint punch them and ask them if they realize Im not irish

Jefe
Jefe

Thanks for reaffirming the stereotype of the NYC transplant doucher.  I'm sure there are plenty of buses and flights headed for NYC....you can grab one anytime you like.

Amanda
Amanda

Yes, that makes total sense. The rest of the world should only celebrate holidays, have parades, and hold parties that coincide with those of the city of New York. Idiot.

Storm_71
Storm_71

I know I had such high hopes for the young man.

Deb
Deb

Yes! The only way to go to the parade, is to be in the parade. Otherwise, throw a cooler in your bike basket and get ready to crash some house parties.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

It's the only thing Dallas does right......still waiting on that national league team (I know, regional rights) to be placed in downtown!  The kids love said parade, the parents love said parade-heck, even nana loves the GA Parade; she starts drinking grain alcohol at dawn!  The Kerg's beverage of choice for the GAP-coffee.  The thought of drinking at 8AM, and not getting ANYTHING done for the whole day frightens me.

Scott Reitz
Scott Reitz

 I spent New Years in the tub with a hot dog. I have to get out of the house.

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Hey now sir, if you're Catholic(this guy right here), it's celebrated by the church, even if it's a minor feast-type event. In Ireland for the holiday, Catholics wear green and Protestants wear orange on St. Patrick's day. Crazy white people.For most people it's just a great reason to drink(also see Cinco de Mayo--doubt most people know what that holiday's about--shouldn't we party our asses off for Texas Independence day????---what about the fall of the Alamo????)

Jefe
Jefe

You're right, bars will suck, especially Irish ones. However, the parade is great, especially from the CVS parking lot.  If you can find a freind who knows someone who knows someone who's got a house party on one of the streets perpindicular to lower Greenville, check that out too.  It's quite a site and can be VERY fun....especially for a first timer on St. Patrick's Day in Dallas.

Mervis
Mervis

What did you have to eat?

Mervis
Mervis

So that's why Liz Lemon wore orange the other night.

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