I Fucking Love Girl Scout Cookies

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Note: Three of her badges are for STDs.
It's Girl Scout Cookie Time, bitches! I heard them say it on the radio, so it must be true. And it is! If you go to the Girl Scout cookies website, you can type in your ZIP code and they will tell you exactly how many minutes and miles you are away from shoving two sleeves of Thin Mints into your face hole.

You can organize your search by date and time or by distance. Obviously if you truly love Girl Scout cookies, you don't give a shit about the distance and you always organize that search by date.

"Date: NOW! Distance: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCKING SAMOA!"

If their website is telling me the truth, this weekend is when the shit's going down. This Saturday, it looks like the Girl Scouts will have a stand fulla Do-Si-Dos at every Tom Thumb, Kroger and Walmart in Dallas that I've ever heard of. They're even at Lowe's. LOWE'S, PEOPLE!!

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It's kinda freaky to know exactly when and where I can get some hardcore cookie action. Girl Scout cookie-ing used to be so mysterious. You'd show up at the grocery store to buy some beer, peanut butter and tampons, just like always, and BAM! Girl Scout Cookie Fairy appeared out of nowhere.

Or you'd get some mass email from a dude at work begging you to buy some cookies to "help your community" or some shit, and even then he'd make you wait eight million weeks before you'd get your shortbread fix.

Now, I know exactly when and where the drop's gonna be. It's like I'm inside the Girl Scout Cookie cartel. And now that I know all this should-be-top-secret cookie intel, it's on. Hope you didn't want any Thin Mints, Everyone Else In Dallas, because they're all mine. MINE!!!

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You will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine. You delicious, minty bitch.
Holy shit, it just told me there are Girl Scout cookies in Hurst right now. I'm just 26 miles away from eating a whole table of cookies. All I have to do now is Google, "Where the shit is Hurst?"

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.


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40 comments
Daisy
Daisy

This is my favorite food article of all time.

barrygoldwater'spetrock
barrygoldwater'spetrock

It's a little known fact, within the intelligence community, that is was actually 'Girl Scouts' that took out Osama bin Laden and not Seal Team 6....

Restaurantqualityblender
Restaurantqualityblender

You fucking love 'em, eh?  How shocking!  She said 'fuck.'  Look, I'm saying 'fuck.'  AWESOME!  The Dallas Observer: A Publication For Teenagers, By Teenagers.  It feels so great to never grow up!

Lebru
Lebru

You can buy thin mints - generic version year round and they taste the same.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

Its not as fun to buy GS cookies now, its seems you can get them whenever and wherever.  what ever happened to the little scouts going door to door to actually sell something.  oh thats right, their parents are too fucking lazy to walk the neighborhood with them.  On a side note, Im real tired of having to avoid looking at anyne as I walk in the gorvery store now.  Last week at my Tom Thumb, there was a gexa energy salesman, a star telegram salesman, the homeless guy beggin for change and then once actually in the lobby, 2 moms and 4 kids begging you to buy cookies.  FUCK

NewsDog
NewsDog

I'm a diabetic and I like to keep a box of the peanut butter ones around the house in case my blood sugar crashes. The shortbread ones do pretty good too.  I just have to keep myself from intentionally making me crash.  

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

So over thin mints, samoas, and the shortbread one.It's all about the tagalongs.

Kergo 1 spaceship
Kergo 1 spaceship

Is it true Dale Wamstad has potatoes in his "mouf"? The only voices that are funnier:

-Mick Mamis (lisp guy)-David Moore (sports queen) -Avery AC guy-Brad Thomas Acme Brick

Nick R.
Nick R.

Pretty terrified by that animated, sentient Thin Mint

Tenebrae23
Tenebrae23

Samosa? The word is Samoa...and they are delicious.

jamal
jamal

Samoas are the undisputed king of GS cookies.  But this new "Thank You Berry Munch" flavor is something special.

MJ
MJ

Have you ever had a Thin Mint cheesecake?  Oh so good.

Volta
Volta

Thin mints out of the freezer is soooooo good

Dallas Diner
Dallas Diner

A friend of mine, who was a really small, very cute, kid, would put on her little uniform and go around to businesses in her small Alabama town, walk in the office, and ask anyone if they wanted to by cookies.  This was back when you humped an actual carton of cookie boxes around.  If the people in the office said "no," she'd ask if they minded if she sat down and rested a minute, because she was very tired.  She always sat so that her little feet were dangling in the air and let out a deep sigh as she sat down.  It got them every time; every year she sold more cookies than anyone else in the district.

NewsDog
NewsDog

The reason they don't do door to door anymore is it's a risk/liability issue. GS National actually discourages it.

Smartest cookie seller I ever saw was when I was in college (early '80s). She went through the guys dorms knocking on doors. 

Titus Groan
Titus Groan

Seriously, they should pipe recordings of those guys into all prison cells.  Crime would evaporate.

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

Been waiting for Kergs review of the Texas place that brings a deck of cards to your table..How's he do that? He doesnt know right now..I'd like to pull some David Blaine on his arse and have everyone pull an ace o spades.. He wouldn't be able to afford his 7:45AM spot on the little ticket then...and don't get me started on Sweetjack, if ever Mike Vick deserved to own a doggy .. I nominate jack.

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

Been waiting for Kergs review of the Texas place that brings a deck of cards to your table..How's he do that? He doesnt know right now..I'd like to pull some David Blaine on his arse and have everyone pull an ace o spades.. He wouldn't be able to afford his 7:45AM spot on the little ticket then...and don't get me started on Sweetjack, if ever Mike Vick deserved to own a doggy .. I nominate jack.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

hey but he'll bring a deck of cards to you table

Nic Rodriguez
Nic Rodriguez

I still call them Caramel Delites. Oh, and I totally wiped out an entire troop when I hit Tom Thumb last week. 

"Where the shit is Hurst?" , is how I'm going to greet everyone today.

MJ
MJ

Yeah - Samosa is the new fried cookie filled with potato and peas.

Cntaylor78
Cntaylor78

No! I must Goodsearch this thin mint cheescake recipe!

Jon Daniel
Jon Daniel

What are Kergo's safe words, Alex

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

what is the risk/liability here?  If the parents go with the child whats the problem, and if you are not comfortable enough to go door to door with your child in your neighborhood, maybe its time to move

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

I'd punch that guy in the nuts!  Did you know he tried to sue the great Dallas Observer in 2003?

Allie Seago
Allie Seago

Hmm... I saw that thread on Twitter. Not going to lie, I find the hatred for the sweetjack commercial to be hilarious. It brings the creative best out of the P1s.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

that was fucking funny, and I like Kergo, so Im sure his haters are rolling on the floor

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

He sounds familiar, I knew I'd heard that voice before...what did he use to own? 

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Sweet jack .com.  Catchy song-overplayed.  My three year old knows it word for word. Gotta love Cumulus. 

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

we must listen to KRLD (the am one)  at the same time, now if someone would just murder sweetjack

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