I Ate at Cheesecake Factory Because I'm Fat and Lazy. What's Your Excuse?

Categories: Last Night

cheesecake-factory.jpg
The other night my wife, who's pregnant, worked late. I knew the chivalrous thing to do was to take care of dinner -- to have an idea, to hammer the idea through, to execute it without wavering. If I'm married 100 years I'll never fully realize how much value there is in just making the damn decision, but I'm slowly getting better. If only the decisions weren't so universally terrible.

This particular round of suspect decision-making led us to The Cheesecake Factory on Northwest Highway, which is very close to my wife's work. But upon walking through the million-pound doors, I remembered: Oh yes. I chose the world's most popular restaurant.

I have never not waited at the Factory. If you have ever not waited at the Factory, I guarantee they were closed and you were actually trespassing. That's the only reason a Cheesecake Factory is ever not completely full: Because they are closed and you're alone and it's only a matter of time until you think to yourself, Hey, where the hell's the bread? and then start unbolting the TVs from behind the bar.

My first instinct food-wise was burger, because that's always my first instinct. I would order a burger at French Laundry, and no matter how it came out, rare or charred or liquid nitrogenized with Thomas Keller's spittle, I would complain that it wasn't medium rare. I would then eat it in five bites and, not long after, start wondering whether that thing about tingling in your hand when you're having a heart attack is real.

If I can resist the burger, I usually turn to something that I consider more healthy but that is actually just as terrible for me -- a salad drowning in ranch, a bacon-draped baked potato, that sort of thing. This time I confined myself to the pasta page. Pasta is healthy. Pasta is noodles (Asian people eat noodles! They're all skinny!) and protein. Not meat. Protein. When you're being honest with yourself, meat is meat. When you're lying to your own face, it's "protein."

I only ate half of my Louisiana Chicken Pasta, but by the time I waddled out, I wanted to sell it all back to the French. Fourteen-hundred calories of Parmesan-crusted sadness, that dish, and I lapped up its "New Orleans" sauce like I was retroactively saving the all levees.

The waitress brought me my doggy bag, which was heavier than the chair I sat on to eat it. That's what makes the Factory so great, right? You get two servings for the price of one and a half. So not only did my $16 pasta ruin my night, it ruined the next afternoon, too.

Anyway, that's why I was at there. Because I'm fat and lazy and have a pregnant wife and accidentally moved too close to Cheesecake Factory. What's your excuse, Everyone Else Ever?

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25 comments
gellet6
gellet6

Hello,  Welcome to The British Food Depot where you can order all your favorite English and British foods online right here in the USA. We serve Expats and lovers of British Food from all over the USA. The British Food Depot is your fast and convenient store offering the lowest priced British foods online.

gellet6
gellet6

Hello,  Welcome to The British Food Depot where you can order all your favorite English and British foods online right here in the USA. We serve Expats and lovers of British Food from all over the USA. The British Food Depot is your fast and convenient store offering the lowest priced British foods online.

english foodcadbury chocolate 

gellet6
gellet6

Hello,  Welcome to The British Food Depot where you can order all your favorite English and British foods online right here in the USA. We serve Expats and lovers of British Food from all over the USA. The British Food Depot is your fast and convenient store offering the lowest priced British foods online.

english foodcadbury chocolate 

Titus Groan
Titus Groan

The sheer size of the menu is your first clue you are in for culinary fail.  No kitchen can pull off that many dishes at any level above mediocre.  But the cartoonish portion sizes keep the place hopping, I guess.

ObserverFan
ObserverFan

No one should go there for the simple fact that the 20 page menu has 16 pages of ads. Oh, and the food tastes shit.

Allie
Allie

There's only one reason, in my book, that one should go to The Cheesecake Factory:

Cheesecake. Any kind, all kinds. That's all.

Grumpy Demo
Grumpy Demo

Joe:

To know good, you have to know bad.

Plus, who doesn't love preprepared microwaved entres provided by Sysco?

ParleyPPratt
ParleyPPratt

The shepard's pie.  That's enough of a reason for me.  We go either early or late and avoid the dinner rush and never wait.

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

Seconded on the Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake. It's the main reason. Second reason is because the menu is huge and you can cater to someone's fickle taste. But I hate how they seat you 4 inches from another table if you're not lucky enough for a booth.

And I've had more luck getting right in to a Cheesecake Factory without a wait than PF Changs, which is even less worthy standing around a lobby for more than 2 minutes. Sunday nights aren't bad for instant seating either.

therrick
therrick

I've been there for lunch and not waited before. Of course I'm such a fatass it is just one serving for me.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Joe,     Do you think the Patriots will have a good enough secondary to make it far in the playoffs?  Also, I love Gronki, but fear he is a Meathead.  

ps-I hope you have a "better" week with yer blog stuff comments today man. Rock em Joey!  I didn't read the story above......is that bad?  Looks like mundane drivel-sorry. 

J
J

I'm pregnant, I have an excuse. Well, I do now. I guess before this I was just fat and gluttonous. But jeebus, that Godiva Dark Chocolate Cheesecake is like eating angel tears.

kYle
kYle

I'm fat and I hate that place.  The arm rests on the chairs aren't wide enough, consequently crushing my fellas between the tree trunks that are my inner thighs.  Also, the menu is larger than the combined waistlines of all the diners.    

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

I used to eat there because a few of friends worked there, a hostess, a bartender and a waiter.  Even knowing all them you are right, there is always a wait.  Thankfully mine was usaully confined to 10 minutes or less due to knowing the hostess.  The food is gluttonous, but at least for the price you get double servings.  And funny you mention the louisiana pasta, that was my favorite. But I have not eaten there in 3 years. 

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Sysco holds and delivers it, they don't make everything.

mark zero (Jason)
mark zero (Jason)

That's the wisdom of Solomon, right there.

Also, congrats to the expectant Tone family.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Yeah, but is the SP made of real shepards?  Some have told me they use blacksmith, or a similar, but cheaper cobbler.  Who eats shepard's pie?   Hmmmm?  Nothing smacks of the blandness that dreary island like SP.  In fact, if they served SP with horse fur on top, it would IMPROVE the dish.  The British have brought zero to culinary history, except for sheep's head stew.

Joe Tone
Joe Tone

It never even occurred to me to go there for lunch. That's extra sad. Thanks, @therrick:disqus . I feel better now.

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

The Pats are in big trouble sir...Brady jawing at the OC..what's next he'll knock up a supermodel whom makes more scratch than him and grow out his hair to compensate? Tell me Rheiner!

Joe likes to talk about food stuffs up in hear, he did throw a sporty bone (Cowboy post) on Unfair Park this morn though.

Congrats on your impending bundle of joy, Joe! If the stork mistakenly shows up at my door (again) then I will for sure shoo him off in a Eastward direction. 

Joe Tone
Joe Tone

I'm only not deleting this because you called my work drivel, and that's the sort of sharp commentary we need around here.

cp
cp

Disagree. They can fuck up a perfectly good sheep, er lamb, er, whatever. Along with pigs and fish. Don't forget the wonderful bangers and mash! And what's that mutton-in-a-can crap? What exactly is British food anyway? 

Jim
Jim

Rhyners dead.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Thank you!?

ps-You should see my work, I'm lazy and I have itching problems in inappropriate area's.  

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