Holiday Crimes and Holiday Punishments

Categories: Lists

holiday_depression.jpg
Christmas Depression: It's enough of a thing that terrible Photoshops exist for it.
The holidays season is nigh. It's a festive time when we get actual mail instead of just bills and Brookstone catalogs, when we can drink and eat to excess with minimal judgment, and we finally, hopefully get that bonus. (Editor's note: Two out of three ain't bad, right?)

Still, it's not all sugar plums and gumdrops. We overeat, we overspend, we self medicate with expired prescription drugs, we cry in the shower. The pressure to have a "perfect" holiday has largely overtaken the pressure to be a nice person. Yet, we toy-soldier on.

But our unacceptable behavior can't go unpunished. Thus, we have compiled a list of Christmas-season food crimes and suitable punishments.

Crime: Giving a Hilshire Farm gift basket, which consists of foods that not only have no nutritional value but that almost anyone could afford to buy themselves, but they don't, because it's terrible.

Punishment: The guilt of knowing you've just given your friend the gift of crippling stomach pains and self loathing. Also you have to eat a McRib.

Crime: Desperately trying to have a Martha Stewart Christmas.

Punishment: Spend five months in jail, have daughter write a tell-all book about how awful you are, burn turkey, burn pies, cry, scream "I hate you all" at family.

Crime: Getting drunk at the office party.

Punishment: Waking up in Joanne the office manager's apartment, having to stay as she introduces you to her 15 cats and each cat's corresponding Willow Tree figurine.

Crime: Not having Peppermint Schnapps on hand.

Punishment: Having to find a new coping mechanism after your mother tells you that you are too old to dress like that.

Crime: Making it a Walgreen's Christmas.

Punishment:
Eating a box of their chocolate-covered cherries, most likely manufactured during the first World War.

Crime: Allowing your party guests to pick up on the tension stemming from the fight that just erupted between you and your husband regarding how to work the turkey fryer.

Punishment: Guests can hold you down and force the two of you into a Rob Ryan-sized Christmas sweater until you can work things out.

Crime: Being insensitive to your Jewish friends about their holiday foods and traditions.

Punishment: Aforementioned Jewish friends are allowed to teach you fake kitschy Yiddish expressions so that when you are trying to expound on your "mazel tov" sentiment you are actually saying, "I've killed a bunch of drifters and buried them under my house."

The law is firm and justice should be swift. There's eggnogg to drink.


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8 comments
Sundey McClendon
Sundey McClendon

Where is Kergo? I haven't felt this kind of concern since the bum that lived in front of my building and repeatedly asked me if I could help him pull his tooth out moved away. I was expecting him to call me Jackie Flloyd's nana and he's not here. 

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

Crime: writing articles put together like a richie whitt mail in

Punishment:  22 kicks to the taint

Crime: Buying the last available floor model Christmas tree at Walmart on the 24th, bc your mother in law is coming over due to the fact that her propane heater on her single wide broke.

Punishment:  Tree topper falls off tree, cracks said in law in the head, she drops her ciggy on your plastic covered couch which stinks up the double wide for days

Crime: Playing John Denver and The Muppets Christmas Album at an adult xmas party.

Punishment:  having Nickelback playing on your Ipod while trying to go to sleep.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Sundey,    Seems the feeling is mutual; you get from my comments, what I get from your stories. In fact, I haven't had this sort of concern for YOU since that lady down the street (who tells two hour stories)  wanted me to pop her goiter. 

Kergie Out Buddy. 

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

hey at least it wasnt hollow content you provided.  I had to go deep to get a nutkick in, it wasnt laid out there on a platter like your ex coworker would.  I think the bum moved from you front door to the door of the parking garage by my office in the Arts district

MoronDog
MoronDog

There is no crime so heinous as to deserve being forced to listen to Nickelback for any length of time. Shame on you.

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