The Five Most Annoying Current Fast Food Trends

Categories: Whimsy
BK_RingmasterWhopper-236x150.jpg
Bonus points go to Burger King for their ridiculously named "Ring Master Whopper"
Caught an article over on Adage this morning on Domino's revamp of their "cheesy bread." In an attempt to capture what marketing executives must think are idiot foodies, the pizza chain is selling "gourmet" varieties of cheese bread (with spinach and feta and bacon and jalapeño).

After blacking out from irritation, we're left to think of the other completely annoying fast food and mainstream product trends meant to do one (or all) of the following: disguise their shitty food as something upscale, manipulate consumers looking for organic or farm-raised foods, and challenge consumers to eat some bombastic contraption.

Meanwhile, you're eating enough sodium or cholesterol to traffic jam your arteries. And, yes, there are still trans fats at some spots. Below, find our list of the most frustrating and current trends.

wendysquality.jpg
Wendy's
When was the last time you saw vegetables that looks like this behind the counter at fast food joints?
1. Faux Freshness
Earlier this year, Gizmodo broke down the truth about orange juice products: how they essentially reverse engineer the orange to keep the juice fresh and consistent. Meanwhile, Simply Orange would have you believe an old grandpa's hands are picking the oranges and wringing them into a glass, and that glass of orange juice transports in front of you.

dominosartisanquality.jpg
From this ad
"Domino's has artisan quality pizzas." What does that even mean?
2. Faux-Upscale Dining
Dear Domino's: Your pizzas are not "artisan" (an already annoying foodie keyword) just because you call them "artisan."

triplesteakstack.jpg
Probably isn't healthy to "upgrade to a triple." And what the hell is a steak stack?
3. Strange Food Mutations
You gotta give some credit for Burger King's "fuck it" strategy. Their recent debut of the "pizza-sized" burger in Japan, which is a whopper with four patties measuring in at 8.8 inches in diameter, certainly proves the implementation of the marketing campaign Who Gives a Shit. Taco Bell's no different with their strange, disgusting sandwich flaps (above).

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4. Fast Food Restaurants as Really Awesome Hot Spots
Good news, everyone! McDonald's is launching McDonald's TV, you know, so you can stay all day and ignore your kids as they play in the balls. Also, the above "Olympic-sized" restaurant must be part of World Domination plan #145.

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Jack in the Box
Double Ultimate Cheeseburger with bacon.
5. Still Having Damn Trans Fats on the Menu
Long after fast food places started jettisoning trans fats, every burger listed on Jack in the Box's nutritional menu has trans fats. Every. Damn. One. Also, some of Denny's salad sauces even have trans fats. Sorry, honey mustard fans!
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25 comments
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A real foodie
A real foodie

Nick & the Dallas Observer,They may be idiots, but you show how little class and etiquette of any kind (let alone food),With your truck stop language and obvious disdain for your readers.  Sounds to me like you need another job and the Dallas Observer should be ashamed at hiring someone like yourself.

A real foodie!!!

Guest
Guest

"If people want shit then give them shit"Miles Davis

Curtzilla
Curtzilla

And do we really need a Califoreign outfit trying to tell us how to eat stuff Aminal-style ?

Ron
Ron

Pssh. Taco Bell Fires Back Against Pussies With New Burrito

cp
cp

No, it would be a stacked 7-layer chimichalupaburritataco crunch. 

Lee
Lee

I really hope that there's a marketing professor reading this post who will adopt teaching the "Burger King's "fuck it" strategy" to our young minds. Hilarious.

Olden Dude
Olden Dude

Nick,

Thought you had found something new this morning when i saw you had read an article at Adage, so I followed your link to Ad Age, totally different but old and used a lot so I guess it is an Adage. Thanks for keeping it real.

Grumpy Demo
Grumpy Demo

Whaaaaa, do you get trans-fats in hamburger meat?

Are they feeding the cattle chemistry sets in the feed lots?

Cooking the meat in oils with partially hydrogenated oils?

G_David
G_David

I like the fact that you yack on the term "artisan", as any rational human should, yet a few posts down, there's young Lauren touting some B.S. "artisan" ice cream for Thanksgiving dessert.  It's nothing more than marketing buzzword vomit.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

is anyone besides me already tired of the honey badger.  Overplayed in less time than LMFAO song

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

I'm tired of Emerald or whoever it is with their stupid nut commercials trying to milk tired Internet memes and pop culture references, including the honey badger.

Neil Lemons
Neil Lemons

#3 - It seems many industries have gone the way of the Honey Badger.

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

How is orange juice fast food?

As as much fun as I like to make of the McDonald's and Subways of the world myself, my gawd, the tone in this post is such a condescending, holier-than-thou one. Oh well. I'm guilty of that tone myself.

Taco Bell has set a precedent of doing whatever crazy shit they want to, and Burger King is well down that road too. I'll be happy once fast food companies get over their fascination with chipotle or other peppers being edgy.

Quick true story--recently at the biggest mall in the world in Dubai, there were a good 3 to 4 dozen different quick meal options. The one with the longest line I saw? By far? McDonald's. Can't say I understood it, but it amused me.

mynameisURL
mynameisURL

Menu craziness at Taco Bell is fully endorsed by "Mr. Bell".

That was his real name, you know.

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

Dubai? What the sam hell part of Texas is that?

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

It's on the other side across the edge of the flat world. You know how the Texas globe is really just a plank with Texas and Not Texas? Flip it over. It's there in Jesus-Hating Camel-Riding Not Texas.

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

Fucking hilarious.

I award you 37 internet points.

Ergo Shipspace 1
Ergo Shipspace 1

So that would make it in the parallel nega-verse that is Jesusland? 

therrick
therrick

If I'm eating fast food anyways, I really don't care about trans fat, cholesterol or anything else that might be unhealthy for me. Because I'm eating fast food, I go in with my eyes wide open.

Bill Hicks
Bill Hicks

You gotta hand it to Wendy's. They do a damn good job of finding rectangular cows for their burgers.

Itsmekiddos
Itsmekiddos

Do you know why Wendy's burgers are square? Because they don't cut corners! Ha

Ergo Shipspace 1
Ergo Shipspace 1

Believe it or not, that's what we were told by training managers when myself and my brother worked at Wendy's for our first job- naturally it was one of our first questions.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

If a jack in the box burger actually came out looking like that, it may actually be edible

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

I'd sub for some sourdough on that double ultimate and call it good!

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

The double ultimate is one wondermous burger if there isn't a Whataburger nearby when the 2am munchies hit.  Also doubles as a great hangover cure.

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