Thanksgiving Rules for the 21st Century

Categories: Holidays

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Rule: Don't ask why the Lions play on Thanksgiving. It's one of the world's great mysteries.
Oh, Thanksgiving. The holiday that recognizes that the only way we can stand to be around family is to emotionally eat ourselves into a tryptophan-induced state of apathy. Boundaries are pushed. Feelings are hurt. There's no clear-cut etiquette, no collective list of things that could be avoided to make Thanksgiving more than just something we endure through excessive intake of cranberries.

Why don't we have any rules for Thanksgiving? If the pilgrims and Indians had sat down and written out some boundaries, like "don't give us smallpox" or "please let us keep our scalps on our heads," we wouldn't feel so guilty and depressed when we visit Indian casinos.

This in mind, here are some Thanksgiving Rules. Add your own in the comments, and report all violations to whoever cooks the bird in your house. They are the law.

~ Thou shalt not insist that we wait on someone to arrive late. I haven't eaten in two days to build up some calorie equity. Try and make me wait even 15 minutes longer than I have to and I will rip your earlobes off and shove them in my mouth.

~ Thou shalt not put newlyweds in an awkward position by making a big deal about where they spend their first Thanksgiving. They are already in the awkward position of being married.

~ Thou shall cook your dish at home and not try to cram into the full kitchen with a can of green beans in one hand and a can of French's crunchy onions in the other.

~ Thou shalt not bring your pets. If my pet bird Carl Feathers can stand to be left at home, so can your incontinent Yorkie.

~ Thou shalt not try to mess with the traditional Thanksgiving meal. No one wants to try Asian fusion today.

~ Thou shalt not ask when someone is going to get married/have a baby/graduate from college/find a job. We're all already dealing with the shame of having eaten more food in one sitting than people in other countries get in a month, we don't need the additional guilt right now.

~ Thou shalt not insist that someone "try" a dish they obviously don't want, unless you want to hear about the details of their Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

~ Thou shalt not ask stupid questions about the mechanics of football during football. Trust me, my cousin's girlfriend, it's not cute.

~ Thou shalt not talk about politics under any circumstances whatsoever.

~ Unless you do a bitchin' Rick Perry impersonation.

~ Thou shalt not take pictures of people eating. No one ever says, "I really like this picture you took of me desperately shoveling too much pie in my face."

~ Thou shalt not try to get me to take a picture after I've just stuffed myself with four pounds of salty food and have swollen up like one of Rosie O'Donnell's fingers.

~ Thou shalt not take more than your fair share of leftovers. We're all trying to ride the turkey train out until next week so we don't have to go to grocery store in elastic-waist pants.

~ Thou shall help with the clean-up, or thou shall find all of the dirty dishes in your car.

Okay, your turn. Let it all out. We're here for you.


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67 comments
mynameisURL
mynameisURL

Happy Thanksgiving and Adios, MoFo's.

(My Rick Perry impression)

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

I'm thankful that giant, festering zit on my back was finally lanced, drained and scabbed up.  And that that flaccid scab that was rubbing against my shirts finally fell off. 

I'm also thankful the Bruins won the cup...and I'm always thankful for my hero, number 4; the greatest hockey player ever-BOBBY ORR!  

Bobby Orr:-Best two way player ever in sports-Never turned down a fight-Scored 46 goals (in a season!) in a era where 8 in a season was amazing

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

That was some good good commenting folks, sorry I had things to do yesterday.  Today will also be a short one, think there's a cervesa out in the Westoplex with mename on it this afternoon.

This year I'm Thankful for another World Series run for my beloved Redshoes, Charles Goodnight and General Grandbury deciding that Southern Parker county looked like a kick ass place to put down roots (Ruts), The little Mavericks finally rewarding my 30+ years of rooting for their sorry asses and removing the big ol monkey from Dirk's back and placing it squarely upon Lebront, Richie Whitt having one less job to suck at, The City of Ate having 32 writers and the Sportatorium not having a post since last Monday the 14th, The Cowboys not being completely out of it yet, The children, Zerou losing twice, The Ags collecting all their toys and getting the eff out, and last but not least: Beer, because without it..most of y'all would be in serious danger of getting an arse whooping at your family gathering tomorrow.

MattL1
MattL1

Sup. Yo yo?  Word-kyyyddddd?  I'm the perfect synthesis of rappin' and white schoolin'....yo dog! 

Welp, time to tie that sweater around my waist, and flip up my polo.  

Regards,    MattL1

ps-Don't forget to wear your hats backwards biotches!  EXTREME

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Morning,   I just want to thank all the commenters from the knitting blog that joined us today!  Never heard, or seen from one of you posting on the DO website.  Welp, please go back to the Jackie Floyd website about funny ole lady stuff.....the Dallas Morning News (and the regular commenters!) will thank you.  We keep this up, and tomorrow we'll have top 100 Holiday Decorations, and/or Scrap Booking Tips. So, take yer Christmas Sweaters, and yer home made cookies, yer quilting books, Mary, that stupid rap guy, and move the whole lot three doors down to "Grandma Nana's Incredible Blog about Giant Brooches". Making crafts is fun!

Kergie out!

Jan Cake
Jan Cake

Thou shalt not rouse Grandma's inappropriate, and often racist stories in some kind of awkward "welcome to our family" initiation ritual. Thou shalt not confuse yourhigh school football career with your grown up lifestyle and think because you’reawesome at fantasy football you can show off all of your best moves during afamily football game… and then have to take off work the following week whilesaying something like, “I think I overextended on that pass.”Thou shalt not yell from the couch, "babe will you get me some more tea..." while your wife is sweating with a smile as she manages the children, the food, and the company. 

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Wow, burned it up today-success! We are included in more than half the posts, and turned this turd into diamonds.  BTW, on my list of "thank you's" I must list.....THE MOTHER ROAD;  that shining bit of American star called 1-40 (old 66).  That view (from the old road) out of Las Vegas, NM is the greatest. Been on every inch since I was a kid, from California to the East-salute'. SALUTE!

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

How about "If you're gonna fart in the middle of the group watching the game, at least have the balls to own it and take credit.  Quit blaming the baby or the dog."

MattL1
MattL1

Thou shalt not refuse my request for another beer whilst I am working on the gravy.

TLS
TLS

Thou shalt not force everyone to say what they are thankful for this year.  Sometimes people have had a really shitty year.  Besides, it gets really boring hearing "I'm thankful for my family and friends" twenty times.

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

--Thou shall not perpetuate the myth that turkey's tryptophan contributes to your nap. It's because you stuffed your freaking face with 5000 calories in one sitting.

Meh.
Meh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We strayed from "traditional" Thanksgiving food five years ago and couldn't be happier. Each year, every attendee picks her two or three favorite foods - done. We've had gumbo, chicken wings, tacos, fried PB&J, poutine, mini beef sandwiches, twice baked buffalo mashed potatoes, fajitas... you get the idea.

Unless you're doling out smallpox, there's not a lot of tradition that needs to be preserved.

Allie
Allie

Couch pillows, decorative or otherwise, should be reserved for those taking a tryptophan-induced nap (sounds nicer than coma) on the floor. I will punch anyone in the face who's using them while sitting on the couch.

DorothyMantoothIsASaint
DorothyMantoothIsASaint

Kergie's messages always seem like a little picture of what someone did right before they called a suicide prevention hotline. They are divinely sad.

Jed in Joshua
Jed in Joshua

Im thankful for the 28 food bloggers who write this shit every week

Leon in Lew Sterrett
Leon in Lew Sterrett

Im thankful for not having to spend the holiday on the streets eating from some soup line.

Hal in Heath
Hal in Heath

Im thankful that ungrateful bitch finally signed the papers

Charlie in Celina
Charlie in Celina

Im thankful my ex wife hasnt shot me yet.  She is Kergos favorite door greeter with the bloody boil on her forehead.

Bernie in Benbrook
Bernie in Benbrook

u like dat shit, me too, now wheres my trailer wife?  she better get in here, imma reddy to go hoggun

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

People from the Knitting Blog Whom Are Forever banished:

MattL1Mary the CatladyDM is a Saint 

Recommended Tasks to take to a Practical, and Successful Reality:-Walk atleast once a day-Do not wear biking shorts and a Polo ever again -Read any Joseph Conrad-Go to the desert and think about Life-Listen to Chicago at Carnegie Hall (circa 1972?)

DorothyMantoothIsASaint
DorothyMantoothIsASaint

We meaning...you? Wrote half the comments on this column? With your whole day? And did not get paid for any of it? Try not to flash that around too much. Maybe your high school girlfriend will come back to you after this level of "success" you have achieved.

Dmkergo
Dmkergo

You always claim it cause if'n yer gonna do it-be proud; and make sure your sittin' next to nana, or the mother in law.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

At my thanksgiving dinner table, they were going to do that stup shit, they started with me, I said Im thankful my wife still blows me, 1/2 the table laughed the other half was in horror and needless to say no one else had to do it.  Thats what a half bottle of 40 creek before dinner will do.

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

Oh, thank you baby Jeebus that somebody else hates this as much as I do.  I came eat and drink, not take a fucking quiz and see who can say the sappiest thing about somebody else at the table.

MattL1
MattL1

Word.

The only way to make it tolerable (and the last time it ever happens) is, when it comes around to you, say the most random and incomprehensible (or reasonably offensive, if you feel up to the task) shit possible.  Everyone will be so taken aback that it will probably end right there and never happen again.  At least, that's how I did it...

Sundey McClendon
Sundey McClendon

That might be true. I'll consider ammending it to "notify guests beforehand if you are not serving a traditional Thanksgiving meal."  And send me some of that PB&J poutine.

Mary1
Mary1

The kergiodiot needs to get a real life and, GO AWAY! He's annoying and, obnoxious! As is his alter ego, the pain in the groin guy.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Thank you!  I'll take that.......ok, now it's time to go get my "harr did". As the voice of reason in this blog (and Provisional Governor/Caddo Region), I salute you Thanksgiving-and all the turkeys, and stuffin' and yams, and Cold Budweiser's. I salute my home state (the GREAT MASSachusetts), and thank my forbears for creating a bond with the Indians (although it nearly wiped them off the map) that lasts today in Casino's.  If you ever get a chance, spend an Indian Summer in New England-it is a thing of beauty! 

Kergo's Top  New England Places to Enjoy the Harvest:-Mashpee, Mass-Home of the Wampanoags-The Berkshire's-Nauset Light (Cape Cod)-Alton Bay, NH-Franconia Notch, NH-Burlington, VT.-Berlin, NH-Outback Down East- Maine's Hinderlands.

People I Thank for Thanksgiving:-My Family-Henry David Thoreau-The Beatles-Gram Parsons-Hunter S. Thompson-Bobby Orr-Aldous Huxley-Terry Kath

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Married to her sweet cheeks! 21 Years..........I could be you, and sit and basically rot in a chair?  Ahhhh, he mindless millions-confounded by Jackie Floyd, shopping and banal stuff.  Welp, have fun being 300 pounds.  Ole'!  Thanks for the sharpened wit and cunning responses?

TLS
TLS

I can't say that.

Wayne in Little Elm
Wayne in Little Elm

Word?  I detect tat's, piercings and a terrible work ethic........AND, I bet his hat is cocked sideways. Tool!

TLS
TLS

That's good advice.  They'll probably think I'm just drunk as usual but if I say it without slurring then this might work.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Thanks for the advice Matt; ok, break time is over...they need you back at the checkout stand!  POW.

Kergo
Kergo

Mary, Mary, Mary, we haven't even started yet!  Wait til the multiple "evil Kerg's" start showing up.... not even I can stop them.  I once didn't post on the Sportotorium for a month and a half, yet I was represented hundreds of times every day by these cretins. 

Kergo
Kergo

Hey,    Where is JBG today?  We need venison and BBQ talk!  Talk of Enchanted Rock.....My buddy JBG is a great Texan American.

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

Maybe you need to do some deep self-reflection if you are unable to enjoy the humor greatness of the many variations of the Kergo.

Just sayin'.

You may continue.

TLS
TLS

Kergie - I love your non sequitur posts.

Mary
Mary

Please! Go back to wherever it was in New England you crawled out of. You're not needed or wanted here!

MattL1
MattL1

No tattoos, no piercings, good work ethic, and I wear my hat the right way 'round (as you can clearly see).  

In retrospect, I should have gone with "amen" or "I wholeheartedly agree."  But to infer all that random shit from my use of a very common colloquialism strikes me as a bit weird and a little backwards. 

Dmkergo
Dmkergo

He he....wow, that's it.  Pffffff!  Besides the suburbs rock dude!  This way I'm closer to the Ozarks. 

Frenchy
Frenchy

Better than a dumb suburban shmuck.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Thank you.....Absurdism is a localized talent.  I'm just a poet for the common man.....a yeoman farmer with a pen. 

Mary
Mary

You really are, one sick little yankee northerner. 

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

And leave you to be the voice of reason up in heara?  Nope.  This sonafoagun "ain't" turnin' into the cat, and lint ball blog.  And don't make me mad; ya'll will be livin' in earthen huts, and wearin' coon skin hats by sundown!  It's great northern Americans such as myself that pioneered, and prospered on this land!  Besides if great Yankee Texans such as me had never come down here, education would end at grade three....and marrying kin would be acceptable. POW?

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