Scardello: Their Cheese Will Move You
Each week, the Cheap Bastard goes looking for a new place to eat a meal for less than nine million dollars. This week, she cuts the cheese at Scardello Artisan Cheese, 3511 Oak Lawn Ave., and we hope we mean that literally.
Level of fancy I felt eating prosciutto and fig at lunch: 6
Times I cheese-and-meat-fart crop-dusted the place on the way out: 1 (full)
Scardello is a little artisan cheese shop on Oak Lawn Avenue that looks fancy and expensive. That's probably good, since, as it turns out, it is fancy and also fucking expensive.
They have fancy-expensive cheese, fancy-expensive wine, fancy-expensive crackers -- they even have fancy-expensive pickles. (You ever had Rick's Picks pickles? Holy shits, those are good. They'll cost you eight firstborns, but they're so worth it.)
There's a goat-ton of highfalutin' expensive expensiveness going on in Scardello. (I saw people smelling cheeses. They smelled and then nodded knowingly. Like, "Awww yeah. That. Is cheese." Dear people: Please stop smelling food you haven't yet purchased. It's freaky.)
Hidden among the cheese sniffing and wine swirling is a counter with a small sandwich menu (printed in what must be smaller than negative 6-point type) which includes several sandwich-plus-side-salad options for $8.50. I read the description of their Sweet Italian sandwich: "Thinly sliced prosciutto, decadent burrata, and fig confit on a fresh baked baguette make for a sweet and savory combo you can't refuse." And they're not lying. I thought about trying to refuse the sweet and savory combo, and the sandwich looked at me like, "Bitch, you best not try to refuse this sweet and savory combo. I CANNOT BE REFUSED!!!" So, I ordered it.
Their "ploughman's lunch" looked interesting, too, but I'm pretty sure it's not what I know a ploughman's lunch to be. There's simply no way you can get one of those -- even on the street -- for "$5 plus cheese weight." You can't rent the plough for less than 100 bucks and how would they even know which parts of the donkey (or horse, lady's choice) were cheese weight anyway? But, I digress.
The Sweet Italian sandwich was delicious. Whichever food genius invented the prosciutto-plus-fig-plus-honey-plus-cheese flavor combo should get a million blowjays from angels. Also, said inventor should've patented that shit, because I'm about to steal it. Expect prosciutto-plus-fig-plus-honey-plus-cheese flavored Doritos this Christmas, bitches. Happy Figging Holidays!
If you're in the mood for a sandwich, Scardello serves up a great one. They also served me tap water in a this-glass-clearly-wants-whiskey-in-it rocks glass, which was cool and painful at the same time. Not sure ordering "for here" and sitting amongst a bunch of cheese smellers was the best move for me. Maybe order yours to-go. Unless, ya know, cheese smelling is your bag.