La Victoria: Man With 4 out of 32 Teeth Agrees -- It's "Yeeeeeees"

Categories: Cheap Bastard

la victoria cheap.jpg
Alice Laussade
Each week, the Cheap Bastard goes looking for a new place to eat a meal for less than nine million dollars. This week, she finds the man of her dreams at La Victoria, 1605 N Haskell Ave., 214-827-0101.

Dinosaur toy guarding the barbed wire fence count: 1
Times I've driven past this restaurant and thought it was an abandoned building: 4,938

You're sitting in your car, daydreaming about what it would be like to punch Rachael Ray in the tit, just waiting for the red light at Ross and Haskell avenues to turn green. That's when a restaurant with bars on its windows and the words "MEXICAN FOOD" painted on its carport in multicolor, circus-y letters catches your eye. You pray that the restaurant is actually named "Mexican Food," because wouldn't that be refreshing in a world of trying-too-hard, what-does-Yummilicious-even-mean-and-seriously-Cane-Rosso-doesn't-even-serve-dogs-on-their-pizzas-that's-false-advertising restaurant names.

As it turns out, the restaurant is named La Victoria. So, it has a normal restauranty restaurant name. Bummer. And pretty sure Victoria isn't on the menu, either, so disappointment level is pretty high as you sit down at the bar for lunch.

Then you notice that the guy at the end of the bar only has four teeth. And this place takes credit cards. And there's a fancy oil painting of the outside of La Victoria on the wall inside La Victoria.

Signs are quickly beginning to point to awesome.

For just seven bucks, you encounter two of the biggest tamales you've ever seen, plus a giant serving of rice and super lardy refried beans. This isn't just Mexican food. It's Mexican food that's just as circus-y as the letters on the outside of the building. The giant, must've been 422-pound pork tamales are freak-show good. I swear there were more ounces of meat in these tamales than there are in a Stackhouse burger. They had more meat in them than Jenna Jameson on a shoot day. Maybe you're worried you can't handle these giant, meaty tamales. Maybe you're that guy who says, "More doesn't always mean better." To you, I say two things: 1) I'm sorry you just told me so much about that tiny, tiny shlittle shlong of yours. 2) Seriously, that thing must be microscopic.

Be sure to take a spin on their crazy-ass carnival ride of a hot sauce. It'll make you breathe fire. From your butt. "I will smite you with my fire dumps!" (Perw! Perw! And other laser noises that my mighty fire dumps make! Perw!) It's rad.

Roughly translated, "La Victoria" means "Holy shit, we serve giant tamales and super-hot hot sauce and tons of beans, you guys." You should go there. Maybe even try their breakfast tacos, which Four-Tooth said are, "Yeeeeeees." I really hope he's there when you go.

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.

Location Info

La Victoria

1605 N. Haskell Ave., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

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7 comments
Ralphy
Ralphy

When it was Walton's they made a great smoked brisket !

I remember stopping by one day and Mrs. Walton said she was closing because her husband has recently pased away...sad.    But that had to be 15 years ago.

G_David
G_David

La Victoria rocks. 

On a side note, this place was a BBQ joint called Walton's for about 52 years.  I know this because I ate there one day, and the lady was proud to tell me that they had been open forever.  The next time I drove by, about 2 weeks later, they were gone.  I somehow feel at least partially responsible.  Luckily, I have yet to impose my curse on the current establishment.

Mutleyhyde
Mutleyhyde

Same experience here. It was like a Twilight Zone episode... the kind that leave you all empty and lost inside.

cp
cp

That place is never freaking open!!

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

That's because they probably want to be with family...novel concept.   As Americans, we would sell our souls for a bucket of "shite" (Welsh?). I know a great Mexican place down the way that shuts down at 2 PM; they just want to get home!  

me
me

Alice, your writing is just this side of awesome. or is it THAT side of awesome?love your sound effects and mentions of body parts.

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