Food Blogging For Dummies: How To Eat Free and Rule the World With Your Very Own Blog!

Categories: Whimsy

Food Blogging for Duh.jpg
Imagine walking into a restaurant as management dotes on your every move out of fear you might blog about the greasy thumbprint on your plate. Imagine cooking and plating a fabulous meal for 10 friends only to not let them eat while you snap 700 photos of your accomplishment. Imagine all the free samples of POM juice, kitchen gadgets and hangover cures you can handle.

This enviable life is just a few months and a trip to Barnes and Noble away. The folks at Wiley have teamed up with another alleged expert to develop their next guide for beginners: Food Blogging for Dummies, which promises to turn you into the next great food blogger.

The book isn't out till the spring, so we thought we'd tide you over with our own tips and tricks for becoming a successful food blogger as quickly as possible. Check them out and then immediately put in your two weeks notice at work. You're gonna be a food blogger soon.

Language usage
Learn to use strong terms like toothsome and delicious. Learn how the letter "y" makes both nouns and verbs more awesome-y. And learn how every sentence can be supplemented with goodness. In minutes you'll be able to assemble powerful prose like:

Walking into the dingy dinner, my eyes fell on the scrumptious grilled cheese sandwich depicted on the menu. I tried it, and it tasted of warm, melty, cheesy goodness.

Food Photography 101
Point and shoot cameras are a clear sign of a rookie food blogger. Why use something small and discreet when you can bring your 500mm telephoto zoom lens and SLR? Perfect in case a cheetah happens to dart through the restaurant. Don't forget your flash!

Dos and Don'ts
Habits of successful and failed bloggers described in simple terms:

Do blog every meal, no matter how mundane.

Don't forget to blog late at night after drinking a bottle of free wine Pepe gave you to grease that stellar review you wrote about his pizza. Which brings us to ...

How to never pay for a meal again
Learn how to build relationships with Public Relations offices, chefs and restaurateurs and offer coverage in exchange for free eats. I hear Taco Bell has a media dinner tonight. Be there!

Search Engine Optimizations
You down with SEO, yo? Learn how to turn garlic into a metaphor for Pamela Anderson's tits and enjoy thousands of hits at the expense of zitty, teenaged boys.

Social Media
Learn to turn the most inane happenings into interesting tweets that will make everyone want to follow you. Applebees learned ... and you can too!

applebees tweet.jpg

This is just a taste of what you'll get with the release of Food Blogging for Dummies. Preorder it on Barnes and Noble today, and maybe think about bundling it with a resume-writing book for when your chips-and-salsa tirade makes it to your boss's inbox.

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17 comments
PROWEST
PROWEST

I so need to buy this book, thanks for sharing!

Roemaya
Roemaya

Food Blogger? Hhhmmm.. it's new phrase in blogging world.

ObserverFan
ObserverFan

"Toothsome" reminds me of Andrew Zimmern. Almost as much as donkey penis.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

Does this book contain a paragraph on how to deal with prickish assholy commenters like me and some of the former/born again sportatorium bloggers?

MattL1
MattL1

Wouldn't just calling that book "Food Blogging" be sufficient?  

delia ramsey
delia ramsey

ouch. now everyone will be doing what I'm doing. :( Oh, wait, they already are.

Nick R.
Nick R.

And remember: don't leave home without the phrase "grilled to perfection" 

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

Either they can choose "any attention is good attention" or "don't be a douche to the readers."

But that book (and this post) scream of being under the warming light after The Simpsons' latest episode Sunday, which also seemed slightly warmed over.

Montemalone
Montemalone

Yeah, that title is sorta redundant.

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

As soon as I read this, I thought to myself, Kergo is buying this book. Joe Tone might make this required reading to blog here.

cp
cp

Isn't that what Applebee's says about its new apple-wood infused grilled Tuscan chicken? 

cp
cp

Yes, and the sad part is, people will buy it. 

Nick R.
Nick R.

Sounds right. And I love all the foodie keywords in entree name. 

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