Hey Thanksgiving, Let's Make Out.
photo by foodbitch Proof of my dedication: The infamous Thanksgiving Cake of 2010
No, Thanksgiving/Footballsgiving/Foodsgiving/Fightsgiving/Shopsgiving/Bingegiving isn't a competition, but once I caught wind of the profession of love, adoration and profanity that Alice was going to publicly give my favorite American holiday, I realized I had to come forward with one of my own.
So, I fucking love you more, Thanksgiving. Let me count the ways:
FAT = AWESOME.
bbc.co.uk This should be enough. For one casserole.
I love that during the days leading up to and long after Thanksgiving, we make dishes we enjoy only once a year, adding up to two more sticks of butter per food item than we ever would otherwise. I blame/thank butter enthusiast Paula Deen for that. And I can totally see why people of other countries think we're bat-shit crazy.
MEAT IS KING.
photo by foodbitch Glorious turkey meats
I love eating turkey birds. There are so many turkeys in this country that we give them away, sell them for 50 cents per pound, eat them for three weeks straight and still come back for more. They come from Butterball, they come organic, cage-free, grain-fed, vegetarian-fed, hormone-injected, petite, fresh or frozen. And we eat 'em up like there's no such thing as hunger in the world. We take those turkeys and we fry 'em, baste 'em, braise 'em, brine 'em, stuff 'em with everything from onions, carrots and celery to oranges, garlic and gym socks. We liquor 'em up, rub them silly with sticks of butter and bathe them in olive oil. I fucking love how the all-day process of preparing a turkey for an organized
meal group binge-eating competition is at once exhilarating and terrifying.
Oh look! It's time to eat again, honey!
I love that Thanksgiving dinner starts at 3 p.m. Or 2 p.m. Or noon. Whatever, whenever, all day and all night. Growing up we'd go out to a fancy hotel for a Thanksgiving binge at noon and then eat an entire homemade Thanksgiving meal at 7 p.m. We'd never stop eating and I loved every minute of it.
photo by foodbitch This year's theme was green, silver and arguing.
I love tablescapes. Yes, that's a thing. It means a gorgeous dining table that has a theme like silver or white or birds or gourds. The whole dining room changes and is lit by candles and everybody knows candlelight makes you look pretty, and hides any unsavory-looking food mistakes and/or spills down your Thanksgiving outfit.
photo by foodbitch Yes, I made that.
I LOVE Thanksgiving sides. My list of the sides I prepare is about 12 items long. That list does not include the sides I ask Thanksgiving attendees to bring or the sides I decide to make as I'm perusing no fewer than three separate grocery stores or markets in preparation for the cooking of the Thanksgiving meal. My favorite sides, in order, are as follows:
Macaroni and cheese: the year-round, no-excuses, fat + carbs dish that I love to see in a Thanksgiving supporting role.
Roasted veggies: the one-and-only acceptable healthy-ish item on the Thanksgiving table.
Mashed potatoes: the white item, for color balance. Please insert heavy cream, butter, cheese and/or potato skins into this dish.
Sweet potatoes: the dessert item we call a side. Candied, marshmallowed, smashed, crushed, riced, whatever. Gimme.
Salad: just kidding. Unless it's one of those "salads" made of sweet items like Cool Whip, pineapples, marshmallows and whatever the hell ambrosia is. I don't go anywhere near that shit, but I honestly fucking love that it's a perfectly acceptable side dish on Thanksgiving.