Hey Thanksgiving, Let's Make Out.

Categories: Chewing the Fat

thanksgivingcake.jpg
photo by foodbitch
Proof of my dedication: The infamous Thanksgiving Cake of 2010

No, Thanksgiving/Footballsgiving/Foodsgiving/Fightsgiving/Shopsgiving/Bingegiving isn't a competition, but once I caught wind of the profession of love, adoration and profanity that Alice was going to publicly give my favorite American holiday, I realized I had to come forward with one of my own.

So, I fucking love you more, Thanksgiving. Let me count the ways:

FAT = AWESOME.

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bbc.co.uk
This should be enough. For one casserole.

I love that during the days leading up to and long after Thanksgiving, we make dishes we enjoy only once a year, adding up to two more sticks of butter per food item than we ever would otherwise. I blame/thank butter enthusiast Paula Deen for that. And I can totally see why people of other countries think we're bat-shit crazy.

MEAT IS KING.

turkeymeat2.jpg
photo by foodbitch
Glorious turkey meats

I love eating turkey birds. There are so many turkeys in this country that we give them away, sell them for 50 cents per pound, eat them for three weeks straight and still come back for more. They come from Butterball, they come organic, cage-free, grain-fed, vegetarian-fed, hormone-injected, petite, fresh or frozen. And we eat 'em up like there's no such thing as hunger in the world. We take those turkeys and we fry 'em, baste 'em, braise 'em, brine 'em, stuff 'em with everything from onions, carrots and celery to oranges, garlic and gym socks. We liquor 'em up, rub them silly with sticks of butter and bathe them in olive oil. I fucking love how the all-day process of preparing a turkey for an organized meal group binge-eating competition is at once exhilarating and terrifying.

CONSTANT EATING.

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Oh look! It's time to eat again, honey!

I love that Thanksgiving dinner starts at 3 p.m. Or 2 p.m. Or noon. Whatever, whenever, all day and all night. Growing up we'd go out to a fancy hotel for a Thanksgiving binge at noon and then eat an entire homemade Thanksgiving meal at 7 p.m. We'd never stop eating and I loved every minute of it.

TABLESCAPES!

tablescape.JPG
photo by foodbitch
This year's theme was green, silver and arguing.

I love tablescapes. Yes, that's a thing. It means a gorgeous dining table that has a theme like silver or white or birds or gourds. The whole dining room changes and is lit by candles and everybody knows candlelight makes you look pretty, and hides any unsavory-looking food mistakes and/or spills down your Thanksgiving outfit.

"VEGETABLES"

greenbeancasserole.jpg
photo by foodbitch
Yes, I made that.

I LOVE Thanksgiving sides. My list of the sides I prepare is about 12 items long. That list does not include the sides I ask Thanksgiving attendees to bring or the sides I decide to make as I'm perusing no fewer than three separate grocery stores or markets in preparation for the cooking of the Thanksgiving meal. My favorite sides, in order, are as follows:

Green bean casserole: acceptable renditions include a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup + French's Fried Onions combo, but I prefer a from-scratch recipe that includes heavy cream. If you use a can of green beans you can go fuck yourself. No pie for you.

Macaroni and cheese: the year-round, no-excuses, fat + carbs dish that I love to see in a Thanksgiving supporting role.

Roasted veggies: the one-and-only acceptable healthy-ish item on the Thanksgiving table.

Mashed potatoes: the white item, for color balance. Please insert heavy cream, butter, cheese and/or potato skins into this dish.

Sweet potatoes: the dessert item we call a side. Candied, marshmallowed, smashed, crushed, riced, whatever. Gimme.

Salad: just kidding. Unless it's one of those "salads" made of sweet items like Cool Whip, pineapples, marshmallows and whatever the hell ambrosia is. I don't go anywhere near that shit, but I honestly fucking love that it's a perfectly acceptable side dish on Thanksgiving.




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18 comments
ObserverFan
ObserverFan

Yes I think I gained the first 3 lbs of the 10 I'll gain by New Years. Love this!

cp
cp

Why can't Alice have all the space that foodbitch takes up? 

Harvey
Harvey

Why is it every fat house frau feels the need to be Alice Lassaude? Alice isn't good at being Sarah Silverman, what makes you think you can be good at being Alice? Prediction, you are all short, fat and married to shorter and fatter.

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

Welp, I reckon if there's two things I likey..one is a Fowl (see what I did there) mouth broad and two would be Turkey Day. 

Who knew these gals could rock this hard?  We need more Thanksgivings, it brings out the best/worst in our female food writers.  (Scott is more like mainlining Trytophan)

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Bravo FB. Two great posts in two days by two women on the City of Ate. Such dirty little mouths. You kiss your turkey with those mouths? Huh? Do ya? Can I watch?

Will
Will

Friendsgiving it is this year - not flying home, and I'm all about cooking everything and making my friends fat. This is the best holiday. Full stop. Great article, foodbitch! Couldn't have said it better myself.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

I dunno even what to say? I'm just without words......this blog entry makes me want to start drinking now (at 10;52 AM). 

5 Things to do w/Leftover Turkey:-feed to dog-sammiches-turkey soup-freeze, and feed nana on Easter-add into antipasto salad-make turkey King Ranch Casserole next week

Welp, gotta go make stuffed shells w/fresh basil, ricotta, and chopped tenderloin.

I suggest:-a white wine sauce-fresh grated parm-roma tomato and cucumber salad w/thin slivers of swiss and raspberry vinaigrette

cp
cp

And using the word "fucking 18 times in one post is proof of that, you know, trying to be something they're not.

I predict this stupid fucking ironic foodbitch fad will come to an end soon enough. 

cp
cp

Hm, who'd have ever guessed that you sporto jocks would be such big fans of foodbitch? 

Storm_71
Storm_71

I would pay to see the Food Bitch and Alice wrestle in a plastic swimming pool filled with giblet gravy (Thanksgiving tie in).

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

Turkey KRC huh? Methinks Mrs. Broken Groin is going to be made aware of that Brutha!

Greg Pinn
Greg Pinn

Please don't feed the dog leftover turkey. It's very fattening for them.  No more than a couple of pieces and NO BONES!

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

Last night I fed him a pound of venison fajita's that were taking up freezer space for 2 years.....is this bad? 

Storm_71
Storm_71

Big Bob has a new post up on the Sportatorium brother and he gives you a big shout out.

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