100 Holidays Ranked By Deliciousness
Known: Thanksgiving is one of the best food holidays ever. So, where do the other 99 holidays we could think of rank? We're so glad you asked.
Thanksgiving's cool, but Day After Thanksgiving is the fucking best thing ever.
1. Day After Thanksgiving: All the food, none of the family. Plus you get Leftovers Sandwiches. Choose to deny that this is the best food holiday of all food holidays and you're just lying to yourself.
3. Chinese New Year
4. Rosh Hoshana
5. National Eat An Entire Pie Day
6. Christmas Day
7. National Fried Egg on Everything Day: Tradition: Add a fried egg to everything you eat and also fried-egg bomb everyone else's food and drink. Fun things to fried-egg bomb: cereal, fountain Cokes, bananas.
8. Fat Tuesday
10. Beastie Boys Day: Tradition: Drink Brass Monkey, put dick in mashed potatoes
11. Super Bowl Sunday
13. Independence Day
14. Cinco de Mayo (AKA Drinko de Mayo)
15. Christmas Eve
16. Day After Christmas
17. Your birthday
18. National Figs Are Fucking Awesome And You Know It Day
19. All Churros Eve
20. Day you quit P90X
21. Thai-To-Go Delivery Day
22. Thanksgiving Monday
23. National BBQ Binge Day: Tradition: Eat enough brisket to kill a horse. Get meat sweats. Then, watch Daniel Vaughn point and laugh at you and probably call you a pussy.
24. Bacon Halloween
26. Sandra Lee Day: Tradition: Get hammered and pretend you made these Doritos from scratch.
27. Angry Food Binge Because Your Football Team Lost Day
28. Valentine's Day
29. National The 5-Second Rule Is Extended To The 5-Minute Rule Day
30. That Friend's Birthday Party That Happens To Be At Your Favorite Restaurant And The Friend Pays Day
31. National Fried Turducken Day
32. St. Patrick's Day
33. Juice Fast Eve
34. Constantine Maroulis Day: Tradition: Eat a gyro whilst squintily singing karaoke
35. National Eat The Entire Cheese and Fruit Tray Day
36. New Year's Eve
37. Vernal Equinox
38. Vernal Equinox Eve
39. Memorial Day
40. Labor Day
41. Prince Harry Day: Tradition: Eat scones, but pronounce them "skons;" Call your "sweater" a "jumper;" Be all British 'n shit.
42. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
43. April Fools' Day
44. National Fried Bacon Pancake Day
45. International Respect For Chickens Day : Tradition: Eat a shit ton of chickens to show our respect for them.
47. National Cream-Filled Donut Day
48. Ron Jeremy Day: Tradition: Binge on Ding Dongs
49. National Chug A Margarita At Work Day
50. National Finish Someone Else's Hamburger Day
52. National Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition For Amateur Competitive Eaters Who Like To Eat While The Legit Competitors Eat Day
53. National Day After You Get A Physical Day
54. National Steal Someone Else's Lunch From The Work Fridge Day (Note: Some also celebrate this holiday on 4/20.)
55. Senior Skip Day
56. Freaky Friday
57. National Hide The Salami But Seriously, Where's The Fucking Salami I'm Going To Punch The Asshole Who Hid It That Was Fancy Fucking Salami Day
58. Oscar Night
59. Martha Stewart Day: Tradition: Make the best fucking meal ever with the best flower arrangements and the best table setting ever. (Do not fuck this part up.) Then, go to jail.
60. Father's Day
61. Opposite Day
62. National "How Bad Can Expired Chef Boyardee Really Be?" Day
63. Summer's Eve
64. Guy Fieri Day: Tradition: Kangol hat + fire shirt + neck sunglasses + these taquitos
65. Lincoln's Bday
66. Canada Day
67. Good Friday
68. Bring Your Kid To Work Day
69. Rachael Ray Day: Tradition: See how many times you can say, "E.V.O.O.," "Nutrish," "Yummo," and "How good is that?" before someone gives you the traditional junk punch.
70. Cyber Monday
71. National Rub Your Balls On Some Pretzels and Gift Them To Your Boss (AKA Boss's Day.)
72. Crazy Socks Day
73. National Cheese Balls and Pop Rocks Day
74. Kate Moss Day: See: Charlie Sheen Day. Tradition: Eat nothing but cocaine.
75. Groundhog Day
76. National Seitan Is Seriously So Gross, Y'all Day
77. First day of Passover
78. World Vegetarian Day
79. Justin Bieber Day: Tradition: Basically spend the whole day taking paternity tests and chugging wine coolers while you wonder how you're so good at singing like a Chipmunk, yet so sucky at writing songs.
80. Friday the 13th
81. National Fruitcake Day
82. Significant Other Drags You To Hang Out With People You Secretly Hate Day (Note: For some, this holiday is observed on Thanksgiving or Mother's Day.)
83. Mother's Day
84. Administrative Assistant's Day
85. New Year's Day: Black-eyed peas (food and/or band. + hangover = So not cool.)
86. Yom Kippur
87. National Fruit Bouquet Day
88. Pap Smear Day (Known in England as Ye Olde Medical Fanny Hand Jab Day)
89. Presidents Day
90. National Garlic and Onions Only Day
91. Columbus Day/ Veterans Day/ Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day (Three-way tie for almost worstest food holidays.)
92. National Expired Bologna Day
93. Arbor Day
94. National Freezer-Burned Food Day
95. Earth Day
96. National Doctors' Day
97. Flag Day
98. National Oatmeal Cookies Are Super Nasty And Shouldn't Count As Cookies Awareness Day
99. National Anything's Better Than Shrimp Scampi Day Day