Come On Down: It's Time to Meet the Contestants for Top Chef: Texas

Categories: Whimsy

Andrew Curren polishing off a redneck porron in his trial video
The folks over at Bravo have been teasing out info about the new contestants while they battle in court about your tax dollars. A set of clips released last week compiled a montage of each contestant and some of their dishes, drawn from the videos they submitted to enter the contest.

When first published to the website the videos were still raw. Expletives flew, and suggestive lines filled many of the videos that have since been tamed by boring bleeps. Luckily, we transcribed the highlights before the clips were edited. We'll also save you from a really annoying commercial buried between each contestant clip.

Andrew Curren (pictured above) says Texas cooking isn't about Houston or Dallas or cowboys, and then fills a porron -- a Spanish glass vessel used for sharing wine -- with a mix of lemonade and Lone Star beer. Curren loves him a redneck shandy.

Ashley Villaluz.JPG
Ashley Villaluz was getting married in May, according to her interview. I'm guessing that didn't happen. She plates up roast duck breast and shows off her sneaker collection and love for motorcycles.

Berenice deAraujo.JPG
Berenice deAraujo cooks steak and eggs in a hot tub, actually using the jacuzzi as a water bath for hollandaise, whisking while wearing an almost impossibly small bikini.

Beverly Kim.JPG
Beverly Kim is ready, according to her video, even though she has a 14-month-old son. Kim whips up some bibimbap with sesame oil, and garlic, but neglects the hot stone bowl. No crunchy rice here.

Chaz Brown.JPG
Chaz Brown is a self-proclaimed Padma Lakshmi stalker saying he had her picture in his locker in the seventh grade. Brown compares food to sex, citing that both actions involve putting things in peoples bodies. True, but creepy.

Chris Crary.JPG
Chris Crary used to be fat. Now he's jogging shirtless on the beach. He say's he's attractive and mentions that he's absolutely not gay. Then while telling a story about a coworker, he refers to himself as always the bridesmaid, never the bride. He closes by saying he should picked because he's good looking and attractive (again) and that's what really matters, isn't it?

I wish he was still fat. Fat guys make better chefs.

Chris Jones.JPG
Chris Jones has a lot to lose. His résumé is sterling and his skills are solid. With beady eyes blinking behind thick-rimmed glasses, shaggy hair and occasional outbursts, Jones is my number one pick for slicing a finger off or otherwise going off the deep end on the show. He's nuts.

Chuy Valencia.JPG
Chuy Valencia loves his haters. Their energy gives him the seeds he likes to plant, sprout and turn into a plant that he date rapes. Valencia drops 7 or 8 additional F bombs and then tells you he's going to mind fuck you. All while roasting garlic. He also loves Justin Bieber and banging women -- although we're pretty sure those are mutually exclusive. He says he's trying to tone all that down, though, after an STD and pregnancy scare. We assume he means the women banging and not the Bieber-liking.

Keith Rhodes.JPG
Keith Rhodes is a James Beard-nominated chef from the Carolinas. He's a big guy with a booming voice who gets my nomination for the contestant most likely to hand Chuy Valencia his ass.

Colin Patterson.JPG
Colin Patterson has a vegetarian restaurant called Sutra. He's got a beard and a baby too. He composts and focuses on local ingredients and minimalism when he's not extreme skiing and breaking his face.

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Nic Rodriguez
Nic Rodriguez

My money is on Keith, but Jonathan could pull this off.


wasn't Paul Qi supposed to be on here?


So these are the people they've been filming in Texas for this upcoming season? Talk about fish out of water...

What are the odds they filmed at the State Fair, and did a fried food quick-fire?

Scott DFW
Scott DFW

Colin Patterson? That's Jeremy Irons.

Chuck G.
Chuck G.

I feel sympathy for Scott's post here because it has no comments. Not gonna let you get goose-egged Scott.

Daily Reader
Daily Reader

That's not Jeremy Irons,  that's Michael Murphy.

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