The Perfect Dining Guide to Dallas for the St. Louis Cardinals

Categories: Lists

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Welcome, you guys!
​Dearest St. Louis Cardinals,

City of Ate heard you're heading to town to play a game or two of baseball with our Texas Rangers, and we would like to take a moment to welcome you to our fair city!! Hi!! Welcome! We like your pants!

We know that being a visitor in a new town can be extremely overwhelming. Dallas has so many fine dining establishments to offer, it can be really difficult to choose where to eat when those pesky mealtimes show up. Lucky for you, we're here to help!

Here's a list of five fantastic Dallas restaurants that will be perfect for you players. Be sure to fill up before the big games so you can play your best!

1) Pizza Hut

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St. Louis Cardinals, we hope you enjoy the best pizza Dallas is offering you.


We know you've gotta be craving some pizza, right? Everyone loves pizza. And here in Dallas, we have the best pizza in the whole world. The best pizza for you in our town is definitely at Pizza Hut. Feast your mouth on this place. Their traditional Neapolitan pizza will blow your mind right into Italy's boobs. You would love it there.

2) Burger King

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Our Burger King will serve you Cardinals something really special.

Check out Burger King for the best burger you deserve. Ask for it rare -- so, so good.

3) Bennigan's, 13350 N. Dallas Parkway

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Oooh. This specific Bennigan's. Yeeeaaaaah. Don't check their hours of operation.

Mmm. Nothing like food from a restaurant, amiright? Order some of the food they have! It's so great!

4) Underground Trashcan Dinners

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Mmm. Trash.

Underground dinners are becoming huge in Dallas, and we're going to let you in on a little secret, The Cardinals: We know where you can go for the most underground underground dinner in Dallas. Go downtown any night, stick your head in a trashcan and dig in. Oooh, this is so underground. Be sure to stick to the trashcans in Deep Ellum -- they're the city's best kept secret.

5) Ex-Lax

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A few 20 of these will make you sooooo lucky!

The latest trendy thing happening in Dallas is to eat 15 chocolate Ex-Lax tabs before a game for luck. You guys have to try it! When in Rome!!!

Hope you guys enjoy your time in Dallas!

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.

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16 comments
Dis Gusted
Dis Gusted

At least the World Series has moved back to St. Louis...which means even fewer people might be pulled into the vortex of this crap that only a mother and Plano Dave could love.

Dis Gusted
Dis Gusted

4 for 4, huh? At what? Best I can tell, you must be keeping tabs on simple-minded support of that at-best sophomoric faux humor that was foisted on the unsuspecting reader. Plano, eh? Maybe that explains things.

Dis Gusted
Dis Gusted

You wasted keystroke time on this? Seriously? Thinking it had ANY value? Shit, were you wrong!

Pip and the Zombies
Pip and the Zombies

This would have been funny if... well, if it had been funny.  Good humor requires cleverness and subtleness.

Jim
Jim

Everybody loves lists little buddy.

Balonpie
Balonpie

Instead of Burger King I would have suggested In and out Burger. Where is the hospitality Alice?

MattL1
MattL1

The Deep Ellum trashcan dinner is probably best option on this list.  

The Listener
The Listener

and critical responses require good grammarness.

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

And most importantly, it involves a sense of humor and the skill to comprehend sarcasm and appreciate nuance.

I'm thinking that Alice held up her end and you kinda dropped the ball on yours.

Dis Gusted
Dis Gusted

Nuance? You suggesting there was nuance? Dear God, please don't EVER go into teaching.

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

I am suggesting that Alice kicks ass and you appear to be a douche.

That makes me 4 for 4.

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