Dear St. Louis: Your Pizza Cheese is Bullshit. Just Admit it and Move On.

Categories: Complaint Desk

Soilent_provel.jpg
expert photoshop job by foodbitch
It's PEEEEEEEEEEOPLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear people of St. Louis,

You're about to either head to Dallas or watch Dallas on your TV as our baseball (and football) players beat the ever living baseballs (and footballs) out of your baseball (and football) players. I'm not talking about the Most Elligible Dallas Dallas ("Carbs and cheese are poison! Where is my trainer!?"), but the Dallas that, for the most part, really knows how to eat. Food. We'll get to what you call "barbecue" later, but for now, let's start with pizza.

Yeah. Pizza. It's a circular bread-type food item topped with a tomato-based sauce, various toppings and ... something else ... I can't quite remember ... oh yeah: CHEESE. Like, specifically, mozzarella cheese. Heard of it?

No, St. Louis, it seems you haven't heard of it, because for some reason in your town you eat something that resembles pizza cheese but is really a scary-named mixture of three cheeses, none of which belong on pizza. (And don't even get me started on that bullshit, hard, 90-year-old cracker crust.)

Now, nobody is arguing that Dallas has the best pizza; I'm no glutton for punishment in the form of raining rafts of crap from commenters. But I will say that at least our pizza is actual PIZZA. As in, we use the basic ingredients commonly accepted by the whole wide world to be those which make up pizza. Crust. Sauce. Mozzarella cheese. Toppings. In your face.

Soylent_green.jpg
Wikipedia
Charlton Heston knew this day would come.
Sure, you can get fancy and add goat cheese or a nice fontina. You can even nix the sauce if you're into that sort of thing, Campania. But you CANNOT categorically replace the cheese across the board just because you're St. Louis. You're not the Vatican, for Christ's sake.

And what is this "Provel" substance anyway? It sounds like a synthetic food-like amalgamation made to be consumed in some dystopian future society where we all gratefully receive our vital nutrients in pill form, doled out by government agents who watch us with little cameras in our brains. That will suck badly enough when it happens in six years. Why would you do that to us now, St. Louis? Why?

In summary, Provel cheese = Soylent Green. Laugh if you will, but in 2012 we will be just ten short years away from eating PEOPLE. Think about THAT.

People of St. Louis! Drop those shredded cheese product-covered people food squares you're eating and get with the pizza program. Come to Dallas, eat some decent pizza and you'll forget all about that processed Soylent crap you eat back home. And as for all that leftover Provel you've got lying around? I suggest you roll it up in a ball and toss it as hard and fast as you can and let Cruz hit that shit way out of the park. Way back. Way back. Gone.

Love and let's go Rangers,

foodbitch

Follow City of Ate and foodbitch on Twitter.


Location Info

Campania Pizza - CLOSED

3800 McKinney Ave., Dallas, TX

Category: Restaurant

My Voice Nation Help
31 comments
jay_cee
jay_cee

i love all pizza, even shitty pizza is better than no pizza. sometimes im in the mood for stl style, sometimes im in the mood for new york style, and other times i want the real italian deal. it all depends on my mood. im glad im able to appreciate different foods instead of having the palate of a 5 year old that thinks everything foreign is gross and yucky.

thegreenstool
thegreenstool

Come to Texas to eat your pizza?  That's a new one. Texas.... let me see... that is the second biggest state, right?  West Virginian jokes lead the pack, followed by Texan jokes, followed by Arkansas jokes... Ahhh, number two again.  But pizza?  I don't recall Texas being anywhere known for their pizza.  Barbeque?  There is Memphis style, Kansas  City style, "southern" style, St. Loius style and then Texas style.... Texas bbq is really good stuff, but with all that real estate full of ranging herds it is bound to be.  Probably best known for it's Mexican food.  Again, however, plays a second to Mexico.

1ItalianHeart
1ItalianHeart

People whao dont like St.Louis Pizza or Provel Cheese are low life piece of crap jackass's how about that ASS HOLE'S

1ItalianHeart
1ItalianHeart

I say whoever saids ST.LOUIS PIZZA and PROVEL sucks the only thing i can say is their mama really sucks good cause St.Louis is the BOMB BABY

tgg289
tgg289

And by the by; the FDA did not approve PROVEL as a cheese because of it's moisture content. Texans are like the French, nobody likes the French except the French

tgg289
tgg289

Dallas has a baseball team? Who know. you my want to check out the St Louis Cardinals to see how the game is played. Just so you know the Steelers still own your ass


tgg289
tgg289

Dallas has a baseball team? Who knew. you my want to check out the St Louis Cardinals to see how the game is played. Just so you know the Steelers still own your ass


Wolffman78
Wolffman78

Been to Texas twice wont be back for a third stay Texas should be very proud of its hobo armies and hobo attack birds.  This was written by someone who lives in a state where 3 different bartenders from 3 different bars answered when asked where to get a good steak replied "Red Lobster" or "Texas Roadhouse".  Seriously you don't know where a good steak house is its kind of what Texas is known for and you want to say that STL pizza sucks.  Ha!!!  The San Antonio river walk has illusion food, looks good, smells good but tastes like the river your sitting next to.  And the Mexican restaurants serve some kind of poop salsa that is probably a failed attempt at chipotle, tastes like something you got from a fouled diaper and all you Texans smile and suck it down I almost threw up in a cloth napkin.  There is nothing special about Texas BBQ either I could cook better meat over a coffee can in the rain behind a dumpster.  I have also had Dallas pizza and there is nothing special or unique about it just tastes like the rest of the food in that state SHIIIITE. Your whole state is bullshit!! Nothing special about the Alamo either DOUCHE.

Araytx
Araytx

Dude ur an idiot and a cunt...just sayin'

JOPE
JOPE

GO CARDINALS!!!!

mynameisURL
mynameisURL

Imo's does NOT serve pizza. I don't care what they call it... It's *not* pizza.

It is the first place I ever experienced deep fried ravioli, though, which is fantastic. However, that does not absolve Imo's or St. Louis of crimes against the whole of pizza-dom.

Sirbach
Sirbach

Born and raised in MO.  Of all the things I miss is Baked beans with BBQ (what is that swill of beans they serve here?) and Imo's and the Provel.  Sure mock it, taunt it, whatever.  But one thing you will know about St. Louis.  We have our distinct foods.  Pork Steaks, Provel, Imo's.  What does Dallas have that is distinct Dallas?  I've lived here 5 years.  I'm still looking.

Mike3647
Mike3647

Ever been to the hill in St Louis?  The Italian section.  Dallas should be embarrassed to only have Jimmy's and nothing but crap Italian restaurants.

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

I just noticed, the package says recipes on back. I wonder if it has recipes for class......like, dear Dallas asshole, please turn your hat around; or, dear lady with the electric ciggy-you can't smoke that in a grocery store.  You, you, crazy, skinny crack b#tch!  Really, I saw a lady lesterday (REd SoX!) pushing a stroller in a grocery store, puffing on an electric ciggy. Ahhhh, makes me pine for Oklahoma.......that bastion of class, restraint and civility. 

Kergo 1 Spaceship
Kergo 1 Spaceship

This may be one of the worst articles that I have EVER read.......it is both putrid, and self satisfying. This is WHY Dallas is still considered a town of tore shirt rednecks, and douchy $30,000. millionaires. Please go apply at Home Depot now, and give us frickin' break!

Ronribbons
Ronribbons

Imo's is good like Chicago deep dish is good.  Not a pizza I want all the time, but every once in a while its a nice change. 

TLS
TLS

Stop trying to write like Alice Laussade.  foodbitch is the Carlos Mencia of writers.

MattL1
MattL1

Well, if nothing else, the caption on the first photo cracked me the fuck up.  So there's that...

G_David
G_David

I had Imo's pizza once, in 1984 on a high school band trip.  The memory of it still summons an instant gag reflex.  Absolutely putrid.

David Tesch
David Tesch

It's actually REALLY good on their salads (Imo's) and makes for a different yet still really good pizza.  Maybe you should try it?

Max
Max

Bitch? Try 'cunt'.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

If provel and Imo's make you distinct well thats pretty shitty, just like the taste of that shit.  Gimme non-descript Dallas over provel

therrick
therrick

Good food. You don't need anything else.

Provel isn't cheese.
Provel isn't cheese.

There are several good restaurants in St. Louis. Doesn't change the fact that "St Louis style pizza" is an abomination.

Mike3647
Mike3647

Oh yeah, and idiot writers like this.

Beda
Beda

I had the same thought.  Alice's potty mouth is funny, it seems to reflect her personality.  But you and even Scott Reitz, who has started throwing the "f" bomb around, not as funny.  Generally, it's not necessary to cuss all through the article if it's well-written.  (Well, that may explain things.)

Provel isn't cheese
Provel isn't cheese

I have tried it a few times when I lived in St Louis. It's fine the first few bites. Then you start wondering why it's so creamy in a motor oil kinda way. Then your stomach screams "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and you keel over sick for a couple of days.

G_David
G_David

No, nobody should try it.  It is shit.

Shuster123
Shuster123

Omg, we're talking about food here and everybody's taste is different. What is all the ranting for?!

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