Candy Corn: The Worst Halloween Candy in the History of Ever

Categories: Complaint Desk

candycorn.jpg
Candy corn is grosser than gross.
​Candy corn, I hate you. Mainly because -- and I'm going to be blunt here -- you fucking suck. You taste like pre-digested marshmallows and Sweet Vanilla Shit Meadow Febreze had a flavor baby. You're punishment candy. People who give out candy corn on Halloween would be better off giving out bibles, because on the candy scale (and this is a fact), bibles are way more delicious than candy corn. Way more.

The following is an accurate Venn diagram of the flavor profile of candy corn. It's real. Believe it:

candycornvenndiagram.jpg
Alice Laussade
Blek. Candy corn, you put the "eew" in eeeeew.
I realize there are people in the world who love candy corn, and to those people I say, "Please trick-or-treat with me because you can have all those lame ass orange and black taffy things I get and the Sugar Daddies, too."

Wikipedia says the "National Confectioners Association estimates that 20 million pounds (over 9000 tons) of candy corn are sold annually." Which one of you jack-o'-lantern holes is buying 20 million pounds of this nasty? I know it's gotta be just one dude.

Candy corn is worse than having to watch Ashton Kutcher talk. It's worse than being constipated. It's worse than having to watch Ashton Kutcher talk while constipated.

So you can imagine my pissed-off-edness when I discovered that October 30 (my birthday) is National Candy Corn Day. You are one mean mummy fucker, candy corn. You not only have to taste like crap, but you also have to crap all over my b-day?

I move that October 30 be changed from National Candy Corn Day to National Screw You Candy Corn Day. Or National Brisket Day. Or National Double Middle Fingers To The People Who're Naming These National Food Days Day.

So mad at candy corn right now.

Follow City of Ate on Facebook and Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard. Follow candy corn at @candycornistheworstyesreallyeveryoneknowsitstoptryingtodefendit.

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57 comments
jaray
jaray

Oh that is some funny writing...

jaray
jaray

hysterical...

Undead74
Undead74

CANDY CORN ROCKS ITS MY FAVORITE CANDY I LOVE CANDY CORN!!!!!!!!u smell and u have a spotty ass -chabroz karnozian

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mynameisURL
mynameisURL

Candy Corn.

Fry it.

Candy Corn Fritters.

Alice in Candyland
Alice in Candyland

And here I thought chocolate covered ants rated high on the shit-o-meter.

Adribiotech
Adribiotech

If Halloween falls on a weekday and kids eat a lot of candy corn on Halloween night, they are absolutely wired and weird the next day at school.  Teachers would pray for Friday or Saturday night Halloweens, because the kids would have 1-2 days to come down off their sugar high.  I remember it used to make my teeth hurt when I ate it, because it was so sweet.  Yuk!

Miss Macy
Miss Macy

Even worse than candy corn and marshamallow circus peanuts are those horrible, spray-painted polyester Easter peeps. Just typing about this weird crap actually makes me glad to be a diabetic.

Sizzlerscheesetoast
Sizzlerscheesetoast

Oh PLEASE write something about how much you hate Mannheim fucking Steamroller in December!

roadsidecouch
roadsidecouch

Candy corn is excellent for shoving up your older brother's nose while he is sleeping.

Diane Birdwell
Diane Birdwell

Then name another candy where you can use them to make fangs....

MattL1
MattL1

I don't know what all the fuss is about.  I rather enjoy candy corn.  

Guanadu
Guanadu

Well, I heart the mallow cream pumpkins and they taste just like candy corn...  I buy the first bag I see every fall...

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

Candy corn is second on my list only because of how completely vile black licorice is.

LesliO
LesliO

What about these little nuggets of evil? (Hope the picture works)

Dallas Diner
Dallas Diner

No, the worst candy ever is those fake orange slices that are sugar on the outside and kind of jelly on the inside.  It makes me throw up in my mouth just to think about them.

Borborygmus
Borborygmus

We used to break it apart, like buds on a stem, consuming the yellow first, saving the orange for whenever desperate, but the white nub, that was premium, good shit.

Montemalone
Montemalone

I love candy corn, and I'd eat it off Ashton Kutcher's naked butt.Actually, i don't even need the candy.

Jen
Jen

Candy corn does have one redeeming quality-eat it w/salted peanuts and it tastes just like a Payday. So there's that..or you could, you know, just buy a Payday.

Nic Rodriguez
Nic Rodriguez

Worst candy ever? Those ribbon candies that came in a tin around Christmas time. Also those peanut butter taffy things...the black and orange ones you named. Those are terrible.

Love some candy corn, though. I eat it in sections. Every one. Every time.

Emm
Emm

When you say "taste like pre-digested marshmallows and Sweet Vanilla Shit Meadow Febreze had a flavor baby," you really mean "delicious and more addicting than Midwestern hillbilly meth," right? If so, i agree.

Scrotex
Scrotex

Classic.....and dead on balls.

Go, Alice.

foodbitch
foodbitch

HECK YES TO THIS POST AND ITS ANGST.

LesliO
LesliO

Three levels of wrong: white level, orange level, yellow level.

Sturms_Bloody_Rectum
Sturms_Bloody_Rectum

Mrs. Rectum's mission when shopping, is to bring home a couple bags of black licorice for me. So good.

LesliO
LesliO

Damn, the picture didn't work.  I was referring to the candy that is essentially the same spackle that candy corn is made of - only fashioned into a crude pumpkin like shape.  I can recall making a mental note of people who handed those out at Halloween and fantasizing about fire bombing their homes later.  Schmucks.

LesliO
LesliO

I believe that is also a Brach's product.  What kind of evil, bizarro confectioners does that company employ???

TLS
TLS

Oooh, good call.

chabroz
chabroz

you really are a foodbitch

Dallas Diner
Dallas Diner

Haters, they are all haters.  I am fond of the Maple Nut Goodies, only I don't think they can use "Maple" in the name now because there isn't any actual maple in them.  

Dallas Diner
Dallas Diner

Yes, but shit rolled in chopped nuts is good shit; kind of that cat box turd look.

Montemalone
Montemalone

Liked, for use of a seven syllable word.

MattL1
MattL1

I am completely unfamiliar with this jack o'lantern thing of which you speak.  However, from your brief description I can deduce that it involves the anthropomorphization of a gourd.  I'm not judging, mind you.  To each his own...

Steve Lovelace
Steve Lovelace

Pumpkins are far more likely to have mouths than other pieces of produce. Have you never seen a jack o' lantern?

MattL1
MattL1

Pumpkins have mouths?

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