Bacon Magnet, Lettuce Zapper and Other Food Tools That Should Be Invented

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Hello and thank you, Lucky Charms Sifter.

When Gizmodo posted about this Lucky Charms Sifter the other day, we realized there are a ton of equally helpful food tools that need to be invented ASAFP.

Here are five badass food tools we want in our hands in the nearest future:

1. Bacon Magnet

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Alice Laussade

"Finally! A magnet that does stuff I care about! The Bacon Magnet attracts only bacon. Bring it with you to the grocery store, brunch or a bacon convention and start living the bacon-only life."

2. Lettuce Zapper

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Alice Laussade
"Screw you, Lettuce! Nobody wants you. Thank you, The Lettuce Zapper, for making this taco salad into just taco toppings. I never have to eat lettuce again! Hooray and other happy exclamations!"

3. The Jack Daniels Jack 'N Coke Jack Daniels Extractor

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Alice Laussade
"The Jack Daniels Jack 'N Coke Jack Daniels Extractor uses patented bendy technology to carefully and efficiently extract just the Jack Daniels from your Jack 'N Coke. You're welcome."

4. Dark Meat Turner Into-er

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Alice Laussade
"Sad? Depressed? You need the Dark Meat Turner Into-er. Turns any food into dark meat. (Not for use on beer or other booze because that would be dumb. Don't be dumb.)"

5) Snobby Wine Talker Sword

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Alice Laussade
"Ever been to dinner with a wine expert? Us, too. That's why we invented the Snobby Wine Talker Sword, built to eliminate snobby wine talkers from your presence. Do I know which winery this wine came from? Nope. But I do know where the business end of this sword is about to land."

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.

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22 comments
Jayme Nunzio
Jayme Nunzio

If this is your diet, I just have to know..... When was the last time you took a dump? I mean is everything doing alright back there? I think you need to be featured on, You Are What You Eat. Then, you will be forced to face your fecal short-comings and realize what a terrible diet you have. Why, do you think it is cool to celebrate bad nutrition and diet??? I know it's hard to think with that pea brain, slowly filling with butter and cola, but let's at least try.

-A Concerned Foodie

Montemalone
Montemalone

For Christmas, I'm getting you a CCTransformer. You put bacon in it and it spits out candy corn.

Nic Rodriguez
Nic Rodriguez

Bacon Magnet will change the Earth. Of this, you can be sure.

I also want a Grilled Cheeseifier. It's like a George Foreman grill, but it comes loaded with bread and butter so that anything you are eating, or want to eat, can be smashed in betwixt, buttered and grilled. Grilled cheese pizza. Grilled cheese burritos. GRILLED CHEESE EGGS AND BACON!

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

Is there a food truck snob frying pan, that can be to bash all food truck snobs over the head with

MattL1
MattL1

So, the "Snobby Wine Talker Sword" is basically just a future murder weapon?  I can dig that.

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Nothing is funny right now. Flowers have no smell to me, coffee tastes like water. I need something for this. What's the best food to change this for me? So empty, so empty.

cheezer
cheezer

Hell yeah.  And it will make the inside of the bread toasty or at least not soggy.  Even if you put in roasted hatch peppers, or even tomatoes.  But it won't scrape or burn the skin from the roof of your mouth.  I'll find the counter space.

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

I just did a slow clap to a standing ovation for you sir.

Montemalone
Montemalone

Of course not.Just the sweet candy corny goodness of corn syrup and food dye.

GYAHUONYI
GYAHUONYI

"I have a flask in my car if you'd like to join me for an after hours drink."

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

How about a nice glass of Get It Together And Find Your Nuts So We Can Win Tonight?!

(Available at bars and booze stores across Dallas.)

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

I would suggest: Bloody Mary followed by Margarita followed by Cap'n and Diet Coke followed by mass quantities of Beera..

Or a JR whopper, little buddy.

That's why they play 7 games brother, you can't control what the ball do sometimes.

primi timpanao
primi timpanao

Grains are the only food.  I prefer the fermented and distilled grains, others seem to make do on just the fermented.  Definitely no joy in Mudville today.

MattL1
MattL1

Hey, I was trying not to draw attention to poor Alice with regards to that string of gory stabbings at high-end restaurants and wine bars.  Cat's out of the bag now, I guess.

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