Five Halloween Candies to Hand Out if You Hate Kids

Categories: Lists

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Alice Laussade
Nana is kinda chalky.

Monday night is Halloween. Which means it's time to start thinking about what you'll be handing out to the little ones this year. If you're awesome, we know you'll be the house with the king-size Snickers bars and the werewolf droppings.

But if you hate kids and you're also the worst at life, here's a list of five candies (besides the obvious worst: candy corn) we're pretty sure you'll be giving out:

1. Giant Shitty Candy

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Alice Laussade
You'd think that any candy in a giant form would be better, but you'd be so awfully, horribly wrong about that.

2. Circus Peanuts

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Even the circus is like, "Seriously dude, these are fucking nasty."

3. Those Grody, Waxy Pumpkin Things

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How 'bout making pumpkins taste like pumpkins? No? Oh, right. Obviously they should taste like piss instead.

4. Pumpkin Peeps

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You, sirs, are not Peeps. Peeps are fuckin' baby-chicken-shaped and yellow. They're classy. And they're named Peeps because that's the sound baby chickens make. You poseur pumpkin Peeps can suck a candy corn.

5. Those green peppermints and hard candies only the worst restaurants give out

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You're not a Chili's. Stop acting like one.

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.


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16 comments
G_David
G_David

You forgot those little taffys that were wrapped in orange and black wax paper.  When I was a kid, the black ones were licorice and the orange were peanut butter, and they both went straight into the garbage.  Except for the ones I would mash together and make my sister eat at the same time.  I was evil.

Miss Macy
Miss Macy

I also vote for those "Halloween assortment" mega-bags from the discount store with rock-hard Double Bubble gum and stale suckers. I gave that crap away for years until I got tired of the whole experience. Now I just keep my porch light off and watch a movie in the family room.

Pork
Pork

So right about those green mint garbage bag tasting shit--gross!

Chris Danger
Chris Danger

I always found the people who handed out tooth brushes and Jack Chick Tracts also received the highest ration of egg to toliet paper on their homes and front lawns

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

Do those count as candy? I only left those and cigs and bibles off the list because I didn't think they counted as candy. Probably a mistake.

Elizabeth Bair
Elizabeth Bair

I hand out Marlboros and mini lighters. Parents now know to skip my place.

Anna Merlan
Anna Merlan

Or just make like the horrid doctor who lived down the street from us when I was a kid. She handed out unshelled, unsalted peanuts, which then got their weird peanut fibers all over the good candy. God, that lady sucked.  

Montemalone
Montemalone

I'll bet all you douchebags savor milk chocolate.

Gag barf puke

Gimme some candy corn, mellowcremes, circus peanuts (I liked the multi-colored ones) and dont' forget the Mike and Ikes.

LesliO
LesliO

I might also add: anything found in the craptastic Brach's Pick a Mix at the grocery store. Those god awful candies wrapped to look like little strawberries?  Sick.

Fletch
Fletch

I say if you really don't like kids, don't turn your porch light on at all.  Why spend any money on candy (even the nasty varieties) at all?

mynameisURL
mynameisURL

Bwah-hahahahahahah.

"Pumpkin Peeps" .

I always give those out on "Jesus-weeeeen".  Those and pennies...

Bah Halloween
Bah Halloween

Classic.  I just keep the porch light of till the last of the little bastards have skipped on by.

Nick R.
Nick R.

[runs to Whole Foods to return shelled peanuts]

Deuce_Fairbanks
Deuce_Fairbanks

Which now runs upward to 11:00 because kids that obviously do not live in the neighborhood come through there with no costume and a plastic Wal-Mart bag while their parents follow along in the 15 year old mini van.

Anna Merlan
Anna Merlan

I always knew you were secretly a horrid lady doctor. 

Wait, that came out weird. 

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