Win Free Tickets to Brew at the Zoo. Or, Put Another Way: FREE BEER. [Update!]

Categories: Events

happy-lion.JPG
Nice strategy, lady, but it won't work with the hippos.
UPDATE: You guys are some creative bastards, but you wouldn't last five minutes in the wild. Oh well. Under the parameters of this endeavor, you'd also be hammered. No better way to go.

Anyway, using a random number generator, we've selected two winners: Jeremy Ash, who slays foes with "I Gotta Feeling" remixes, and Wayne Reyna, who thinks flying doves can injure hippos. If we can't get a hold of them we'll dial up some new winners. Thanks for playing. We'll see you Saturday, until we don't.

*****

This Saturday, September 10, brings the Observer's first-ever beer festival, Brew at the Zoo, where you and your friends can sample beer from more than 30 breweries, including several that our resident beer snob is very excited about.

Tickets are $30 in advance, $40 at the door, and include unlimited 3-ounce beer samplings, which you will no doubt drink while standing in line for your next 3-ounce beer sampling. (VIP tickets are $60 but include better parking, which your designated driver will appreciate, and some other perks.)

However: You can get some for free right here, by amusing us and getting a little lucky. In the comments section below, answer this: You're stuck in the zoo with one keg of beer of your choice, one non-firearm weapon of your choice, and a zoo full of pissed off animals trying to kill you for some reason I'm too lazy to imagine. What's your weapon, what's your beer, and what's your strategy?

At 1 p.m. today, we'll take all the creative answers and randomly select two winners, who will each receive a pair of GA tickets. Make sure you comment using a real email address or Twitter account so we can contact you. And remember: These animals are coming for you, so there's no hiding out in the beer garden.


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57 comments
JOE
JOE

DOS XX IS MY BEER, CHUCK NORRIS IS MY WEAPON BECAUSE ONE TIME A BEAR TRIED TO STEAL CHUCK NORRIS'S BEER AND WHEN CHUCK SHOWED THE BEAR HIS FIST THE BEAR COMMENCED TO EATING HIMSELF BECAUSE HE FIGURED IT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL. ALL OTHER ANIMALS WOULD DO THE SAMEMY STRATEGY SIT BACK AND ENJOY A BREW WITH MY OLD PAL CHUCK 

Chris
Chris

I don't always get stuck at the zoo but when u do I drink dos xx

My weapon would be my hands have you seen what the dos xx man can do I'm sure with a keg I could kill a lion with my hands

My strategy would be to drink the beer as fast as I can because I'm gonna need se liquid courage to fight the lions but I even if I die I already won because I drank the beer

Pat
Pat

Cheap standard grocery store beer -Longest spear I can get-pour out the beer to slow the critters and watch some slip and slide before turning opposite direction and using the spear as a pole vault to catapult my self out of there -----then enjoy a nice glass of wine to celebrate my escape

thejackson
thejackson

My beer would be Salvator Optimator, my weapon water pressure gun. Strategy: Position the keg near a water feature with non-threatening fish or bird display, like flamingos or gold fish, Corner the keg in a cave with three walls, start the water-pressure gun, tap the keg, sit on the keg and drink the keg sometimes using it instead of the water (agaist larger foes), when the keg is floated/empty then actually float it down the lazy river to safety.

wes cox
wes cox

keg:  Golden monkeyweapon: The keys to the zoostrategy: Drink keg, leave zoo and call a cab.

TLS
TLS

My beer: Anything St. ArnoldsMy weapon: Jigglypuff, the PokemonMy strategy: As you may know, when Jigglypuff sings his song everyone and every animal falls asleep at which point Jigglypuff gets really mad and scribbles all over their faces with a marker.  My weapon is my strategy.  Enough said.

AshBash
AshBash

Keg: Gulden Draak

Weapon: Dr. DoolittleStrategy: I would have the good Doctor entertain and chat with the animals, and keep them occupied while I enjoy an ENTIRE keg by myself, at which point, I will drunkenly "sneak out the back" and try my best to not to perish due to the large amount of alcohol consumption that took place on the zoo grounds.

Josh's broken records
Josh's broken records

Weapon: Jambox tuned to 105.3 the FailBeera: Shiner LightStategy: Turn the stereo up loud, and enjoy my beer..until I die from alcohol poisoning..cause those animals.. just like the community at large..can't stand to listen to the Fail.

Katie
Katie

Weapon: Baseball batBeer: Shiner Blonde LightStrategy: Find the rhinos. Ride said rhino. Use baseball bat. 

6StringMercenary
6StringMercenary

Weapon: Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas style bullhorn (must have built-in sire in addition to voice use)Keg: WarsteinerStrategy: Wander pleasantly with special attention to being attacked from behind, occasionally stabbing the siren button to chase off predators in hiding/stalking, drink enough Warsteiner to believe that the non-aggressive animals can understand what I'm saying through the bullhorn.

Oudivegirl
Oudivegirl

My keg: Rahr Ugly PugMy weapon: Pepper Spray in a semi-automatic-rigged super soaker water gun.First, I'd ride the rolling keg like a circus animal over to the Children's Zoo section, squirting anything in sight with pepper spray, then I'd barricade myself with my Rahr Ugly Pug keg in the Pony Trek stables with the closest thing that looks like Mr. Ed. Once I've given him enough beer so he can talk (or I've consumed enough that I think he can) I mount him and the what's left of my keg, burst through the stable shooting all the crazy animals with pepper spray and gallop out the front gate...

Klarisa Perry
Klarisa Perry

Weapon: "The Most Interesting Man in the World" (no fire arm for me, I'm sure the zoo would appreciate)Keg:  DOS XX!!!Strategy:  After "The Most Interesting Man in the World" and I talk religion, politics, men, travel, feed each other grapes, and get sloppy on Dos XX, midnight strikes and all the animals become zombie-fied.  He, of course, rises to the occasion.  He knows exactly what to do because he's saved damsels in distress time and time again.  He turns to me and says, "Get yourself out of here.  I'll meet you at the Dallas Observer building."  To grant his last wishes and keep his last words not spent in vain, I make a run for it.  All the while I'm crying in my car and singing Adele songs.  When I near the building I see flashing lights, a ton of cars, and people rushing down the streets.  He was already there taking pictures and signing autographs and novels he'd written of the terrifying horror night.

QD
QD

Weapon: WhipBeer:  GuinnessStrategy:  To find a safe place to hide so I can drink the keg before escaping from the zoo.  Any animal that gets too close to me or my beer will be whipped away!  Once the beer has given me courage, I will take on the animals and destroy anything that is in my path out of the zoo.

Armando Rodriguez
Armando Rodriguez

My beer: Stella Optimator! My weapon : boomerangMy strategy : stand on my keg and with one sweet throw knock them all out and roll out on my beer! I don't want to kill any monkeys, and I don't want PETA after me!

Jacob Harris
Jacob Harris

Beer: GuinessWeapon: Fire hoseI'd set up camp in the meerkat habitat drinkin' Guiness with Timon and blastin' the fire hose at any disgruntled animal that tries to eat me or my little furry friend riot control style whilst singin' hakuna matata drunkenly. 

Gary Honickel
Gary Honickel

You're stuck in the zoo with one keg of beer of your choice, one non-firearm weapon of your choice, and a zoo full of pissed off animals trying to kill you for some reason I'm too lazy to imagine. What's your weapon, what's your beer, and what's your strategy?Weapon: Hunting RifleBeer: Boston Beer Works Watermelon Ale (you can only get it there, and soo good. Its what I miss about Boston)Strategy: Double tap to the head. Call of Duty trained me well.

Chuck
Chuck

keg: Guinnessweapon of choice: working truckstrategy: tap the keg, have a beer for the road, load the keg into the truck...then drive the f**k outta there!if i run over a penguin along the way....so be it

Marta Bruner
Marta Bruner

Beer: Palm SpecialeWeapon: Harry Potter's wandStrategy: Cast an Imperious Curse on the animals so I would have control over their thoughts and movements. I would send them away dancing to Lady GaGa back to their cages.

Oscar Mendoza
Oscar Mendoza

My weapon:  Beer MugMy beer:  Blue MoonMy strategy:  Basically put on my Tarzan Loincloth and yell for all the wild animals to have a beer with me.  Hey animals like to party too that why there all pissed off.     

Stephanie Evans
Stephanie Evans

Keg: Abita Strawberry (If I were lucky enough to have it in season)Weapon: PegasusStrategy: My strategy would be to offer the animals the Abita Strawberry as they would be wowed by the incredible taste of a slight hint of Louisiana strawberries.  The animalswould be delighted and we would have a dance party, of course the penguins would be getting down and teaching all of the other animals how to “dougie”; It would be a glorioustime. I would then fly away on my Pegasus as I may be too intoxicated to drive.Remember not to drink and drive, instead fly away on a Pegasus.  I would also leave the animals the video below for inspiration for their careers after the zoo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

WsHarpham
WsHarpham

Beer: bluemoonWeapon: angry birds slingshotStrategy: use the zoo's bird population to fight off the pissed off animals and, of course, evil green pigs. If all else fails, use the slingshot to catapult my drunk ass out of Dallas

Jencey Hirunrusme
Jencey Hirunrusme

Animal Diversion/Weapon: Marshmallow Gun. They'll be too busy trying to catch the flying sugar than to worry about me.

Beer Diversion: Franconia. Have to go local and support! Yum!

Strategy: Spray the beer on the ground. (I can't drink a WHOLE KEG.) Drop some marshmallows in the beer and let the animals go to town. Aim and shoot at any that get close to me!

aaron
aaron

Give me a Keg of Lone Star and a fleshlight.I would easlily befriend the gorillas by teaching them the ways of the fleshlight and lone star beer.  At this point we would take over the primates and train them as loyal citizens of my lone star gorilla army.  We would have plenty of time for training as the other angry animals could never penetrate a wall of gorilla lone star beer shits.  When properly trained or approximately 17 minutes later we will go jack up some lions and tigers in what historians will call the bloodiest battle since the Rag and Roll Royal Rumble wrestling match last fall Chicas Locas.  All other animals will lose interest in the fight because they are animals and they are stupid. As the gorillas are banging their victory zebra tail, I will slip away into the night taking a tiger carcas for a prize and some fun jokes!

Brandon Woods
Brandon Woods

Weapon : Chuck NorrisBeer : Rahr Bucking BockStrategy : Sit back and watch Chuck stare down the animals into defeat. Also share beer with C.N. cause I know under his beard there isn't a chin, only another fist.

@beka211
@beka211

My weapon: samurai sword| My beer: the one and only New Castle | My strategy: ninja moves, karate moves, all learned from tae-bo, of course, oh, and Chuck Norris. Yup. No one comes between my beer!!!!! Rebeca Perez bekaperez211@yahoo.com @beka211

Jesse
Jesse

Beer: Delicious GuinnessWeapon: Extendable back scratcher: It’s really hard for a lion, tiger or bear to assume the attack position orstrike a death blow while receiving a good scratch of the back or abdomen(please reference the image included in this article). 

eric_uhhh
eric_uhhh

Weapon: pounds of raw meatBeer: yes, please =DStrategy: throw the raw meat at the hungry animals & let them fight each other while I sneak away!

TJ Hooker
TJ Hooker

Weapon: Trained Attack ChimpanzeeBeer: Avery MaharajaStrategy: Hop into the gorilla pit with the keg and chimp.  Get super chimp to form alliance with gorillas with beer. Enjoy view of carnage and responsibly take the DART rail back after floating the keg.@DoubleCaution:twitter 

Neha Verma
Neha Verma

Weapon of choice: cinnamonKeg: LeffeStrategy: Cover myself with cinnamon and hope that I get drunk enough to taste bad. Besides, everyone knows tigers hate cinnamon...

Jason Swanson
Jason Swanson

My weapon:  FlamethrowerMy beer:  Fat TireMy strategy:  Torch, Toke & parTake in the beer drinking!

Kristiholder1
Kristiholder1

I'd have a keg of Maredsous Brune, and a  mace.. I'd climb up on something high, hoist my keg up with me, and bash whatever tried to climb up to eat me on the head...

Queenpish
Queenpish

Beer: Franconia - WheatWeapon: Shrinkray Strategy: Shrink all the animals and sweep the leg, like johnny.

Dmont40
Dmont40

I would use a super soaker 4,000, and fill it with a nice Malt Liquor.  Myself and any animals in my way will get happy shots till we are all sitting around a campfire lauging at how silly the platypus looks. PS no platypusses were hurt in the writing of this comment.

Al Renteri3
Al Renteri3

My weapon: NumbchucksMy beer: Firehouse #4My stratergy: Use a shopping cart with a zebra pulling me with a keg in the basket. If it tips over I will run like hell after the keg is depleted.

Shelaburgess
Shelaburgess

My weapon: Special K, the drug not the cereal, packed in 100 lbs of ground beef. My beer: Pumpkin Stout.. mmmmMy strategy : Let all the man eating animals get so high tranqs they are practically running through the fields making daisy chains. Then build a fire and drink my keg.

Betsy DeWitt
Betsy DeWitt

Beer: A keg of very-hard-to-find St. Feuillien SaisonWeapon: Ricin-laced Fried Bubblegum balls (that Breaking Bad's Walter White and Jesse Pinkman help me make at the State Fair) Strategy: Partner up with Walter and Jesse to create ALZ 113-treated apes, that are loyal to the three of us as long as we share the St. Feuillien.

Wayne Reyna
Wayne Reyna

Franconia Wheat is my drink of choice. Weapon is a giant slingshot. I'd use the smalle animals as projectiles to smash the larger animals while barricading myself in a concession stand a la Zombie Land. Fueling my blood lust with Franconia and more carnage.

@Wayneadam

mark rosenzweig
mark rosenzweig

Weapon is a tranquilizer gun, since I wouldn't want to harm the animals. 

Beer is Chimay, so I will die happy.

Strategy is to use the gun to tranquilize the predators, and the Chimay to tranquilize myself.

Stella South Hogan
Stella South Hogan

My weapon:  Perfectly sharpened butcher knifeMy beer:  Pear Cider of any kind (Woodchuck, Ace, etc)My strategy: Sit on keg, drink straight from tap, and stab anyone who comes near!

Kim Whipple
Kim Whipple

Beer : BudlightWeapon: BoneStrategy:  Throw the bone really far hoping to divert the animals, run like hell as I drink my beer in one hand.

Mitchell Cathey
Mitchell Cathey

Weapon: Point-of-View-Gun from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Beer: Spaten Optimator

Strategy: I set up multiple beer stations around the zoo before finding a wall to put my back against. As the horde of killer animals approaches me, I hit them with the point-of-view gun. A non-lethal weapon, the point-of-view gun immediately makes its victim take on the thoughts and views of the shooter. Since my only viewpoint at this time is to survive and finish the keg of Optimator, myself and my now non-killer animal friends all sit down for a few beers.

teehud
teehud

Beer: Boulevard Single-Wide IPAWeapon: Excalibur swordStrategy: Tame a lion, mount the lion, and charge through the zoo swinging the sword at all challengers He-Man style.

Evan
Evan

I'll take a keg of Rahr Buffalo Butt. And for my weapon, a second keg of Rahr Buffalo Butt.

Jeremy Ash
Jeremy Ash

Weapon: A Black Eyed Peas album. Beer: Samuel Adams Utopias (50 proof) Regardless of what the outcome, I will have an entire keg of $100 a bottle beer. Strategy:  I'll hide in monorail station while blasting the latest (or any for that matter) Black Eyed Peas album throughout the zoo.  After apprx. 5 minutes or so of this, all the animals will be driven completely brain dead and forget what they are doing. Except for the kaolas. They will be in the monorail station partying. 

DarioM
DarioM

My keg: DuvelMy weapon: a Slap-ChopMy strategy: I would make all of those animals my friend, one slap at a time. I would tell them to stop having boring zoo food, and stop having a boring life. After demonstrating how to use the slap-chop to slap nuts, I would tell them that they're going to love my nuts!" In closing, fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini. 

Cory Hatton
Cory Hatton

Weapon: Horn of the rhinoceros that I was forced to slay with my bare handsBeer: Breckinridge IPAStrategery: Hunker down around the poor decaying body of the rhino I had to kill and drink a few beers. You see, beer is the only thing keeping the virus that's enraged all the animals from eating away at my own health and sanity. IPA isn't a good beer to do a keg stand with so I'd hollow out the horn and drink from it, when not defending myself that is. I'd then find the clearest path to the exit and start rolling my keg that way, banging on it to at least confuse any ferocious beasts in my way. with the sweet nectar of the gods pumping through my veins, accessing my primal savage self for survival would be no problem. hopefully by the time I encounter a gorilla I'll have ingested enough of the beer, for they would no doubt want to steal my keg and force me to play a cruel and sadistic version of donkey kong. which I'm awesome at. humans 1, animals 0, sorry little dudes.

John Miller
John Miller

Beer!  Rahr Whiskey WarmerStrategy: Run like hell. Tweet that I have a keg of whiskey warmer and wait for everyone to arrive. 

Dmont40
Dmont40

He sings you fall asleep i sneak in take all the beer.

TLS
TLS

I'm wearing headphones.

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