Five Meaningless Food Terms We're Ready To Start Chucking Off the Grocery Shelves

Categories: Lists

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Going through the grocery aisle, it's easy to get serious tired-head from the various terms used on food packaging. Lots of food and drink producers figure that the more confusing catchphrases they can sling at you, the more apt you are to give up on brain activity and just shovel them into your cart (or, in the event that you don't have a cart, your face). Here are five we're especially tired of.

"Triple Hops Brewed"
Among all the ridiculous claims made by the big beer companies, Miller Lite's "triple hops brewed" is one of the most laughable. Does this mean the brewers use triple the amount of hops? Three types of hops? Three separate hop additions? According to Miller Lite's website, the term means that Miller uses three phases to "create flavor, develop balance and lock-in taste." Put in simpler terms: "You're drinking Miller Lite, how smart can you be?"

"All Natural"

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One of the terms that's highly attractive on shelves is "all natural." But health advocates are consistently debunking claims by food companies that their products are all natural. Including, yes, Ben & Jerry's.

"Fun Size"

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Remember trick-or-treating and returning home with a pillow case stuffed with hobbit-sized candy? Instead of just calling it like it is and printing "Tiny Ass Candy Bar" on the package, candy companies got wise and decided to spin the miniature confections as "Fun Size." I don't know who thumb-sized candy is fun for, but it always seemed like the kids devouring the "King Size" bars were having a pretty great time.

"Contains Antioxidants"

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One of the most powerful buzzword ingredients of the past several years has been "antioxidants." By preventing the damage of certain cells in the body, it has been proposed that antioxidants can help fight disease. That's led companies like 7-Up to make extra sure you're aware of the fact that their soda contains the purported miracle molecules, and given people everywhere an excuse to shovel down as many fun-size dark chocolate bars as they please. If this infusion of pointless ingredients keeps up, pretty soon you'll be seeing wine with "extra calcium!" or donuts with "5 grams of Omega 3's!"

"Cage-Free"

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Used to describe eggs, this term elicits the image of a flock of chickens running free across a green pasture, laying eggs here and there in plush nests. While the term does mean that the chickens have slightly more room to roam than a tiny wire prison, it doesn't guarantee that the chickens are in a spawn-spewing paradise. Cage-free farms are still able to do things like burn the birds' beaks off, preventing them from hurting each other. Even though this practice has better intentions, don't think that the hen house is giving you a standing ovation for preferring your scramble sans cage.


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21 comments
Roxs Bourgeois
Roxs Bourgeois

Lets not forget the new commercial that KFC is putting out by knocking the 'nugget' by McDonalds - and questioning us for the answer "what part of the chicken is the nugget",  Although you might struggle for an answer - KFC poses a fact, that is much more intreging to me, what's this I hear 'popcorn' chicken (all natural none-the-less).  So now I am stuck with my own question:  which part of the chicken is 'popcorn' KFC? 

Marc
Marc

I like all of them and I'm craving to it them but I try not to because they can gain too much weight to me. honey calories

James Scott
James Scott

I've been thinking about this for a while and it suddenly hit me. "Gourmet" anything. This particularly came to mind when glancing at the "Panda Express" logo, which proudly proclaims "Gourmet Chinese Food."

Jim Watts
Jim Watts

The big egg people should find a use for their burned bird beaks. I suggest a new fair food, Fried chicken lips dipped in chocoloate on a stick.

seabird20
seabird20

Only 5?Fat free, low fat, in fact anything mentioning fat is up there with lite (or light) for me.The more words you have to add to something and/or the less it looks like itself, the worse it will be.To misquote Pollan, "If food has to advertise that it is nutritious, it probably isn't"

mynameisURL
mynameisURL

I love all-natural, cage-free, triple-hops-brewed ice-cream.

Chocolate (flavored), of course. Chock-full of anti-oxidants to put the beat-down on all of my free-radicals. (Now! With Extra-Hyphens!)

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

Off topic, there is some weird shit going on. I got here via the DO link off my FB news feed. It automatically logged me in as "Graylee". No idea who that is, but pretty sure there has been a failure on the internets. (ALMOST posted some crazy ass comments, tee hee!)

saraslogg
saraslogg

Um........ did have a food comment, but...... this is CheeryBitch here, and I clicked the link from my FB feed. So why in the Hell do I have Graylee's login and info? WTF!

Nick R.
Nick R.

Saw a cracker pack in the store the other day that was stuffed with "garden vegetable filling": what the hell is that?

pak152
pak152

could we also eliminate the term "professional" in advertising. "professional painter" if you get paid you're a professional.

Titus Groan
Titus Groan

George Carlin long ago skewered the phrase "all natural."  Quoting from memory, "Dogsh*t is natural.  That doesn't mean I wanna eat it."

Brian Brown
Brian Brown

Ahhh....triple hops brewed....a term literally EVERY beer in the world can use.  Hops for bitterness, flavor, and aroma.....tada!  Triple hops brewed!  The better question is....what beer ISN'T triple hops brewed.  In a way, Miller is just re-affirming the fact that they are ordinary.

MishiRN
MishiRN

Dude...you almost made me snafr my coffee through my nose!!  Awesome!  And "cage free" just means the doors are open...it has nothing to do with them being led outside that "cage", or receiving exercise in any way!  Didn't know about the beak burning though...bad visual!:(

LesliO
LesliO

Ahhh...the sweet memories of trick or treating as a child of the 70s.  No such thing as "fun size" then, just full-size awesomeness and the occasional homemade treat (popcorn balls anyone?)  Good times. 

Sybils_Beaver
Sybils_Beaver

as big as you want her to be after drinking beer

Dave Lieberman
Dave Lieberman

It's what you make from the vines that grow after you plant a "garden vegetable" bagel in your yard.

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

Sounds like what I'm stuffed with after eating a salad.

drklassen
drklassen

 And this is exactly the idea I use when climate change deniers try to "prove" CO2 can't be doing anything by saying "it's a natural product, it's given off by people and animals, it can't be a pollutant or dangerous".

Tom L (No, Not That L)
Tom L (No, Not That L)

Quite so. By definition everything is

"All Natural". Unless you can find your way to Diagon Alley I don't think you're going to run across anything labeled "80% Natural / 20% Supernatural".

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