I'll Take A Six-Pack of Christian Human Breast Milk, Please

icecreambreastmilk.jpg
Want some Ice Cream? Sure -- OH WAIT, IT'S MADE OF BREAST MILK. Seriously this ice cream is made of breast milk.

Remember when we first discovered the Internet and all we used it for was pretending we were dudes and asking dudes who were pretending to be chicks if they wanted to cyber? Well, the Internet has come a long way and now we live in a time when you can blog about dining on your own placenta while ordering someone else's boob milk online. Yay, the Internet!

If you're a mom who'd like your infant to be fed breast milk (probably because you saw that scene from Game of Thrones and now you know how cool it could be), but for one reason or another you don't have access to enough of your own breast milk (maybe it's just not physically possible for you, or you aren't able to produce enough for your greedy baby, or you adopted, or many other possibilities including but not limited to: Chompy McClampdown is ruining your nips and you're like, "Fuck you, Offspring!" and then you realize it's totally not cool to yell at your infant and maybe it's time to seek other options), you can now buy human breast milk online.

onlythebreast.jpg
Yep, it's real.

At OnlyTheBreast.com, an online breast-milk community featured in a recent Wired article about the growing popularity of selling human breast milk, you can buy, sell and even donate human breast milk. It's like Lady Hooter Milk Craigslist.

Most of the ads boast that the seller's milk is clean, healthy and fresh. This makes sense, as it addresses some natural, relevant concerns the buyers might have about the milk they're purchasing. But some of the ads take a different approach.

Here are just a few entries from the Breast Milk Classifieds at OnlyTheBreast.com that caught our eye:

"Milk in MD from a healthy Christian mother."
Oh, good. Drink in the Jesus, my little infant.

"Fresh Milk from Healthy 2nd Grade Teacher."
Screw wasting time with bedtime stories! Let this milk teach your baby to read!

"Human Dairy Cow! 5,000 oz for SALE!"
Human cow...wait, this woman is part cow, part human?! She's like a lady minotaur?! Awesome! Get that milk in my infant, stat!

I'm gonna go get pregnant right now, just to make a little cash on the side in the future. Call it financial planning. So, when you see the ad that says, "Fresh, Healthy Milk with Just a Liiiiittle Jack Daniels In It," know it's mine.

Follow City of Ate on Twitter: @cityofate.

My Voice Nation Help
10 comments
mark
mark

An acquaintance of mine, at least for that evening of drinking, was fortunate enough to savor a "delightful" breast milk white russian at the old bar of soap. A woman there was kind of enough to offer her milk for all interested parties. I hadn't had enough liquid courage at the moment, but I heard it tastes like the leftover milk from a bowl of fruity pebbles. I can only imagine what the ice cream tastes like. Actually, I can't.

Life's ABC's
Life's ABC's

Young mother's stop breast feeding because the knocked up morons want to drink wine coolers with the girls at the baby shower… duh...

craig
craig

I will take some but I would prefer the milk of a crack head instead.

Think about the possibilities!

Dallas Diner
Dallas Diner

If the milk came from a stoner, would the baby sleep more?  Might be something to look for.

TLS
TLS

You don't need to be pregnant to lactate.  With enough nipple stimulation you can lactate all the live long day.  So get busy with a friend or yourself and rake in the moo-lah.

Patrick Williams
Patrick Williams

 So, TLS, what are we talking about for, hypothetically, a 49-year-old male? I'm thinking of going backpacking, but I like fresh milk for my morning coffee. I'm thinking an electric Black and Decker orbital finishing sander with some 250-grit paper should do the trick. Or would that be overkill?

TLS
TLS

You're doing it wrong.  You need something with suction, like a car vac.

Patrick Williams
Patrick Williams

Hmm. Guess I better start saving up my quarters. And Alice, of course YOU'D go finer grit. You're a real lady, a gentle flower and all.

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...