Eight Quick and Easy Rapture Meals

Categories: Whimsy

If this is The End, we're getting KFC Double Downs.
The end of the world cometh this Saturday, right y'all? We figure, whether we believe that or not, better to be safe (and full of cheesecakes) than sorry. So, here's our list of eight quick and easy rapture meals your whole family can enjoy:

1. Foie gras-stuffed veal with Arnold Schwarzenegger
If it comes down to God eenie-meenie-miney-moe-ing who stays and who goes, we wanna be in a room with someone we can definitely win against. (Added bonus: We can make that lying, cheating End of Days star continue saying "end ov daees" until The End.) All while eating 20 pounds of foie gras-stuffed veal. What? The animals were already tortured -- nobody wants their sacrifice to have been in vain!

Thumbnail image for schwarzenegger_egg_gal_640.jpg
If Arnold's been terminated, his love child will do.

2. Lean Cuisine en flambe
Screw you, Lean Cuistupidsine! I'mma lightchoo on fire and laugh at you burning while I'm beer bonging a minimum of 15 chocolate cake shakes. Does my ass look fat in these rapture jeans?


3. Truffles and truffles
Mushroom truffles and chocolate truffles, you're so screwed because we're emptying our bank accounts and eating all of you in one sinful, fukkitall sitting.

The $50,000 white truffle is best eaten like an apple

4. Mr. T Cereal
"I pity the fool who doesn't eat my cereal! On the last day of ever!"

Comes in multi-grain, if you care

5. The "Fuck It" Bucket of Double-Downs
Don't care what brimstone or headless goats are running around on the Rapture, we're blowing through KFC for 40-plus Double Downs in a bucket. "Dump the chicken wings, fill-'er up with Double-Downs!" we'll yell as meteors cascade down. Then eat on the sidewalk of the bank we just looted.

It doesn't matter anymore.

6. Trash Bag of Marshmallow Cream With Cookie Spoon
Empty puffed marshmallow cream in bowl, scoop out with cookie. Heat on window-sill (radioactivity will be high during Rapture). Cradle in lap, and consume. Watch out for over-salting from cascading, endless tears.

[Opens up trashbag] Fill it up, please.

7. The 100x100 at In-N-Out Burger
The 100-burger cheeseburger is perfect Rapture food. Guilt is no longer necessary: Simply place the 100-by-100 on the floor, lie down next to it hopelessly and engage your despair by chewing on a (seemingly) endless train of meat and cheese.

Hopefully, the lines for after-life aren't as long as the lines at In-N-Out

8. Cigarette Twinkies
The End will be coming fast, so insert the cigarette in the business end of a Twinkie, and take long drags off the non-cigarette (you'll need to make a hole in the other side with your finger). Deep breaths will mix beautiful smoke with room-temperature cream. Continue until cigarettes and Twinkies run out -- or until you see an imp creature outside your window, asking you to come with it.


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the little dutch boy
the little dutch boy

Old Crow soup! Take one 1.75ml bottle of Old Crow, pour it into a stock pot, get a straw, place straw into pot, and start sucking. For desert I would recommend a nice carton of Marlboro Reds. Bon Appetit!

R. Moose
R. Moose

 Do note that In-N-Out limits burgers to the 4x4 to preserve Quality and Service for all their guests

Jonas M Luster
Jonas M Luster

If you are the founder of Zappos and the guy who wrote "Hot or Not" and if you're in the Bay Area where every In-N-Out employee moonlights at a dot.com startup, you can get anything and everything. 

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