Easter Edibles: What's in Your Basket?

Categories: Lists

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The peeps are taking over. None of us is safe.
Easter is a comfortable shoe-in as the third most gluttonously celebrated holiday here in the states and a cash cow for dentists everywhere. As the Easter season blows through this weekend, thousands upon thousands of pounds of chocolate, marshmallow and hard boiled heresy will be shoveled down the hatch by millions.

It's not all sweetness in the Easter basket, however. Remember those giant, pastel colored candy eggs -- hard on the outside, filled with a grainy, white nougat-like center? Bleh.

So we wonder: What Easter candy or dish gave you the greatest pause as a kid? To kick off the discussion, here are some of the most egregious sins against the palate that will be committed over the next few days.

Peeps
The most ubiquitous Easter candy, save for the chocolate bunny, Peeps will be counted as a minority demographic in the next census. Packaged in tight rows, they soon escape into various furniture crevasses only to be found a year later, when some consider them to be at "their peak taste." Studies have shown that the beady, black eyes on Peeps are insoluble and their traditionally yellow bodies are almost as sturdy. If that doesn't make you think twice before polishing off another row, look at the expiration date on the box. Oh, there isn't one? Hmmm.

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Satan's eggs smell about how you'd expect.
Deviled eggs
Though not exclusively an Easter appetizer, these are a near guarantee at any Easter meal you attend. While history declares the term "deviled" comes from spicing the whipped yolk with any type of mustard and seasoning mixture, a more likely explanation is the odor. Once a tray of these puppies is unveiled, it's like somebody dropped a satanic stink bomb right in the middle of the buffet line. Anything that smells better coming out than it does going in surely has to be the work of some anti-ecclesiastical demon.

Animal potpourri
What Christmas and Thanksgiving boasts in symbolic consistency, Easter maniacally abandons with its ritualistic schizophrenia. Look no further than the choice of mascot, or mascots if you will. A freakishly human-like rabbit goes around and craps out plastic eggs filled with candy, or when I was a kid, little pieces of paper with chores written on them. Then, instead of returning home and enjoying a delicious baked rabbit, sugar-addled kids are greeted with a freshly de-canned ham topped with a pineapple slice.

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A diamond-encrusted, incredibly pricey chocolate egg: What better way to sum up Jesus' teachings.
Greed and gluttony!
What would an Easter list be without the most fiscally indulgent piece of Easter candy? Measuring a stout 2 feet tall, the Diamond Stella Egg, created by a Paris chocolatier, is valued at around $100,000. The luxurious embryonic case is filled with peach and apricot chocolates while the outside is studded with 100 half carat diamonds. This sounds like the perfect concession for Jerry Jones to one-up the Ballpark's three pound pretzel colossus.

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Gummy Jesus sandals, perfect for cutting the taste of gall in your mouth.
Edible holy hoofwear
And you know it's not a holiday until the Christians try to stick their noses in and make a buck. Don't they know that Easter's all about pawing through bushels of plastic grass looking for any trace of sugar to engulf? The enterprising folks at Fun Express get that message loud and clear. Their "Walking with Jesus" sandal shaped gummies let you savor every step the revered carpenter took.



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