10 Fast Foods That Sound Like Sex Positions

Categories: Lists, Whimsy

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Paris Hilton dives into a very 'Big Carl.' (Western bacon style)
Just about anything can take on a sexual connotation, and while efforts are being made to sex up food, what of the unsexiest of all edibles: fast food? Nope, there are still fuck-tastically named items on every drive-through menu around the Dallas area...and some billboards, too.

Here, we take our favorite dirty dishes and describe them in a way appropriate for the back of a "special" DVD, your spank bank or a wadded-up fast food bag in the backseat:

1. McRib at McDonald's
Sweet and spicy time all at once. Perfectly textured for the pleasure of all. Plus, just a little pickle tickle.

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Patrick Michels
Stuff your French fries in between two McRibs for double the pleasure.

2. Double Down at KFC
Oh, KFC knows you like to insert pork between two tasty, lean-ish "buns." The Colonel's sauce might seem unwelcome at first, but it totally makes the whole thing go down easier.

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It's very real.

3. BK Stacker at Burger King
Some days your appetite calls for a single dose of beef, and some days you're insatiable, demanding to stack your meat four-high. Listen to your body, people.

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More. More! MORE!

4. Big Carl -- Carl's Jr.
The biggest and most dramatic Carl of them all. BYO plastic wrap.

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5. Double-Double Animal Style at In-N-Out
In between two battling planks of their perfect beef, In-N-Out will insert long, caramelized onions and exquisite sauce. Much more than you'd ever need, and so, so sweet.

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We just cheesed in our shorts.

6. Breakfast Toaster at Sonic
Like a little morning sausage in that oven? Push the red button and place your order for hot a.m. action.

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7. Quizno's Toasty Bullet
The slightly smaller version of Quizno's Toasty Torpedo (!) comes in easy-to-remove paper pleasantries before you undress this still-impressive ammo. You don't want to dodge this bullet, you want to wrap your mouth around it. And swallow it.

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Freud's favorite sandwich.

8. Five-Dollar Footlong at Subway
You stand in line. What you see is what you get. Five bucks.

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John Holmes reportedly had the largest sandwich on record.

9. Cherry Cream Slush at Sonic
So satisfyingly sweet, you won't mind if a little spills on your chest...or if you get a little on your face.

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Just don't get Sonic's Slush in your hair.

10. Clams and More at Long John Silver's
While the clam is the main attraction, that ain't all this dish has waiting for you.

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No, not THIS clam.

Bonus: Beef 'N Cheddar at Arby's
Don't know if you've ever beefed cheddar before, but if you do it on a swing with some Horsey Sauce, you're never going to forget it.



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9 comments
gabbahey
gabbahey

What?

No "Dinner at the Golden Arches", or "Snack Lunch at the Y"?

Jose Ralat Maldonado
Jose Ralat Maldonado

Fantastic list. However, you overlooked the most obvious one of all. Torchy's Tacos sells something called a Dirty Sanchez.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

Absolutely.

It has also come to my attention that we forgot the Volcano Taco. That said, perhaps such a term is better left forgotten from this particular list.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

That's a good one, but alas, it's not a fast food item.

Jose Ralat Maldonado
Jose Ralat Maldonado

Have you been Torchy's? There are a gazillion locations and they whip out Dirty Sanchezes like I stutter on my own name.

Merritt Martin
Merritt Martin

But of course I've been to Torchy's -- there are eight locations in Dallas and Austin and I've been to at least two. While I respect their whipping of the Sanchez, I just meant we were focusing on old-school drive-thru-ish fast food chains.

Torchy's would be, I think, considered a fast casual/counter service establishment...they have ticket numbers, specials and apps that cost more than $1, after all.

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