The Most Idiotic Beer Inventions And Innovations Of All Time

Categories: Hophead, Lists
beer-hour-beer-can-dispenser-2.jpg
The Beer Hour dispenser
Beer is lovely, in many ways because of its very simplicity. In its purest form, it's just four ingredients. And all you have to do is open a bottle or can and drink it -- pouring it into a glass first, if you're really trying to savor it.

So why is there a never-ending stream of products and packaging designs that needlessly complicate consumption of the humble brewski by agitating it, offering temperature controls or even launching it at the consumer?

Following is but the tip of the cold-activated iceberg of ridiculous beer-related inventions.

1. Beer Hour (Biru Awa) Beer Can Dispenser.
"A surprisingly large number of people struggle to pour a decent glass of beer from a can," according to the product description of this battery-powered device, which aerates beer (or your beverage of choice) as you pour it from a can. Anyone who shells out $40 (plus $21 in shipping costs to the U.S.) for an appliance that stirs up a foamy head probably struggles with a lot of things.

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2. The Koozie
If your beer tastes bad when it gets a few degrees above the freezing point, you don't need a sleeve of foam insulation to protect it -- you need to stop drinking shitty beer. Or just drink your shitty beer faster. Koozies are more trouble than they're worth, anyway. Once the can or bottle starts sweating, it sticks so tenaciously to the Koozie that it's nearly impossible to extricate once empty -- and when it finally comes loose, it does so violently, spraying any remaining backwash all over the drinker.

bottle opener.jpg

3. The keychain bottle opener
OK, our keyring has sported a bottle opener since we could drive. But even we'll admit, it seems a little strange to keep a tool intended to facilitate beer drinking nestled up against our car keys. Seems like they should be kept as far apart as possible. Also, it's really tricky to open a bottle when the opener is dangling from the ignition.



4. The Vortex bottle

Grooves in the bottleneck supposedly spin the beer as it pours. But why? Surely this isn't just some marketing gimmick -- there must be a reason that centrifugal force can improve the beer. But damned if we can figure out how -- once we put aside our skepticism about whether any such whirlpool action actually occurs in the first place.

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23 comments
New York City Hotel
New York City Hotel

The Koozie is an excellent strategy to keep your wines as well as drinks nice and also comforting all the interval. Enjoy for the best compensate for the individual who desires to often experience refurbished as well as comforting.

New York City Hotel
New York City Hotel

Why does it matter what kind of alcohol it is? Koozies are all-encompassing. Regardless if it's light garbage alcohol, hipster alcohol, or snobby alcohol. Koozies don't discriminate.

gametruthordare
gametruthordare

Koozie but keep your hands warm, no matter what I drink beer, among other useful benefits. I especially like when my old beer snob friends suddenly can not afford expensive beer and suddenly have no problem with the dough, they laughed. Snobs. Sheesh.erotic game

koozies
koozies

The Koozie is a great approach to keep your wine bottles as well as beverages neat and also relaxing all the period. Celebrate for the best reward for the person who wishes to often feel renewed as well as peaceful.http://www.drinkoutloud.com/bu...

Kamagra
Kamagra

But ranting about using breasts to sell beer and chicken wings is a tired tune ... who's had a mastectomy is one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard. ...

Alex Amaral
Alex Amaral

I have good ideas that are cost efficient and will promote a double sale and the so called "30 pack"  Need a job :]

Generic Viagra
Generic Viagra

However, koozies keep your hands warm, no matter what I'm drinking beer, among other useful benefits. I especially like when my old friends beer snob suddenly can not afford more expensive beers and suddenly have no problem with the dough that they mocked. Snobs. Sheesh.

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Meda
Meda

But the koozie keeps my hands warm no matter what beer I am drinking amongst other useful advantages. I particularly love when my former beer-snob friends suddenly can't afford pricier beers and then suddenly have no problem with that swill they used to scoff at. Snobs. Sheesh.

3rd Wheel Marketing
3rd Wheel Marketing

I know you had a premise for an article so you had to slog through it, but aside from the beer dispenser thingy, I pretty much think all the rest of the inventions are bad ass. I'd drink Mickie's Big Mouths before the "wide mouth" can, but I like to stay classy like that!

BubbaCo
BubbaCo

Lay off the Koozie, dude...it's not just for keeping beer colder.

Steve
Steve

So a guy who can't operate a koozie writes columns about beer.

Justin B.
Justin B.

Also your take on the cold-activated label is priceless.

Justin B.
Justin B.

While not necessarily an invention, but an assault on the average beer drinkers intelligence is the concept of "Triple Hops Brewed." It's like they are reaching out to anyone with an ounce of beer knowledge and saying "Look at what beer gimmick we can make the idiots believe now!"

I swear if I ever see an advertisment for any of the big beer companies use the words "Belgian, "craft" or "Imperial", I will riot.

Duffman
Duffman

beer koozies are not the problem, only the people who use them.

Reliable
Reliable

He also doesn't understand that the Koozie doesn't keep your beer cold, it keeps your hands warm.

Brian B.
Brian B.

Well, now craft beer companies are a little free with their use of certain terms as well. Take "Imperial" for instance. Virtually everyone uses this term to describe any beer of higher than normal strength, basically glossing over the historical origin and true meaning of the term as it relates to the Impy Stouts enjoyed by the Russian Imperial Court.

Same thing with "India" as in IPA.....do you really think DFH Indian Brown Ale is in any way related to the beers that were shipped to India back in the day? It's a hybrid where a brewery otherwise very forward thinking in their branding got lazy and just with a keyword. Oh, and don't get me started on the whole Black IPA thing.

909Jeff
909Jeff

Right? I mean, who the hell nurses a beer long enough to let it get warm? If you're drinking a really good beer then you used a properly chilled mug or glass. If you crack open a bud or miller or coors then your either at the game or at a party or cleaning the garage etc etc etc Drink that shit and move on... Simply put if you're nursing a beer thats in a can... Go back to drinking cosmos and lemon drops Nancy! And if your hands are getting cold... Go have your mommy knit you some mittens!

Titus Groan
Titus Groan

The point remains, however, that if you need a koozie to enjoy your beer, you're probably drinking sh*tty beer.

There is just way too much good American beer out there to waste your time on Bud/Miller/Coors and their ilk. Start with Shiner and work your way up to St Arnold. Advanced users can go straight to Dogfish Head.

Ian
Ian

What is wrong with Black IPA? Do you have some kind of conflict with the definitions of 'Black' and 'Pale'? :)

Justin B.
Justin B.

Sure, craft breweries are not complete saints themselves when it comes to generosity of their terminology in some cases. The point I'm trying to make is that even though the little guys may not be historically accurate in their branding, at least they are churning out a quality product, for the most part. Meanwhile, Budweiser can create "Golden Wheat", which is not much different than their normal product and nowhere close to the caliber of the craft brews available in the hef style.

indo
indo

Why does it matter what kind of beer it is? Koozies are one size fits all. Regardless if it's white trash beer, hipster beer, or snobby beer. Koozies don't discriminate.

They do however:*Keep hands warm and dry in cooler weather.*Keep beer cold for longer periods of time on hot Texas days.*Provide a larger non slick base when in say a rocking boat.*Make your beer easier to pick put when eveyone is drinking the same type.

The negative comments about the koozie are ridiculous. Who the hell spills beer on themselves when removing a koozie? Isn't a beer generally empty by the time you remove the bottle/can? If it's difficult to remove I think you're doing wrong.

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