For V Day: Have Yourself a Merry Little Pity Party
Just to be clear: This is not a post about what single people eat. This is about how bitter, sad people can cater their pity party on Valentine's Day when they get home from a day of stomping around, sitting stooped in their cubicles and growling about how "stupid" and "commercialized" everything is. Just add some don't-give-a-damn and stir:
Kraft macaroni with bits of bologna
Besides being an unfortunate rhyme, this meal is actually pretty tasty (and a variation of it may get you to third base, says City of Ate's Alice Laussade). But when prepared alone by the hands of a scorned lover, it becomes ammunition. "Oh, you guys went out? I just stayed at home and made some macaroni. I didn't have any milk, but I found some bologna to cut up." And just like that, you've bought yourself a ticket on someone's Pity Train. Better get a neck brace to accommodate all the sympathetic nodding you'll be doing.
Guatemalan sweet and sour peasant soup (with trimps!)
Stolen from The Birdcage, I use this as a blanket term for a gourmet meal prepared by someone who can't cook. I imagine someone in the throes of loneliness chunking handfuls of chopped tomato and hardboiled egg together in a stock pot. The worse it tastes, the higher it scores on the Pity-ometer. Consider the kosher alternative, without shrimp.
7/8s of a cake
You know that joke in sitcoms where one character cuts a slice of cake, returns it to the platter and eats the rest? How dramatic and appropriate for Mrs. Unhappy Withersituation. Bonus if she gets fat, because it will prompt everyone else to ask, "Oh, are you OK?"
31 ounces of chocolate pudding in a Trenta cup
Just fill your Trenta with Lil' Weenies!
Or bacon or ballet shoes or anything else City of Ate proved can fit into Starbuck's new cup. Maybe it will be enough to fill that nagging empty feeling.
This is the king of all dinners for people who are as hungry as they are vengeful. With nearly a thousand calories in a single serving, frozen dinners are sure to cause some weight gain and sympathetically furrowed eyebrows. Who needs self-esteem when Swanson's got fried chicken and meatloaf?