There's always that one house in the neighborhood that rocks the effin' ween out of Halloween. The house that every kid is excited about. That house that has such good candy, it inspires adults to pimp out their not-even-eating-solid-foods-yet infants. So, how do you become the best Halloween candy-havin' house in the hood? All it takes is a little serious candy shopping.
Here's a list of the top five best and the five worst Halloween treats to give out to your trick-or-treaters this year. Use it properly and it'll instantly propel your house to Halloween pimp status.
Worst Halloween Treats
1) Dum Dums. What is this, a liquor store? Dum Dums are the saddest excuse for lollipops on the planet. They're so small, it's like someone licked the lollipop to a nub and then rewrapped it and was like, "Here! Have my lollipop leftovers!" Dum Dums are the little people of lollipops. And, spoiler alert: The mystery flavor with the big question mark on it isn't raspberry, it's poop.
2) Raisins. What the hayl? You're the same person who hands out apples on Halloween, aren't you? And you're that guy who sends people fruit arrangements instead of flower arrangements. Stop trying to make fruit happen! It's Halloween. There are rules.
|Breath freshners are not candy.|
3) Anything they used to throw during the skate scramble at Josey Skateland. That means you, Sugar Daddys, Tootsie Rolls, Dubble Bubble, Smarties and Peppermints. Nobody wants you. And nobody wants a million of you even less.
|Worst. Halloween gift. ever.|
4) Toothpaste, toothbrushes, floss, or bibles. It's candy night. Not agenda night, Hephaestus Hornblower Halloween Hater. If you don't want to play nice, do us all a favor, turn off your lights and don't answer the door. It's really okay to opt out. Promise.
5) Candy corn. Who invented this barf? Corn is not candy. Corn is corn. And candy is candy. The two should never be combined. Even the name sounds like something invented by dentists to trick kids into thinking candy sucks. "You say you want candy? Well, why don't you try some of this candy corn! It's just like candy, only it tastes worse than vegetables your body can't even properly digest!" Candy corn is punishment candy. Don't do it.
Make the jump for the best Halloween treats.