Wow, Dark Chocolate,
You Sure Are Sluttin' It Up

By Alice Laussade Thu., Aug. 19 2010 at 3:36 PM

Categories: Food for Thought

A little advice for those of you tuning in from work: Don't do what we did and Google images for "dark chocolate slut."

Dark Chocolate, you are such a candy aisle whore now.

I love you, Dark Chocolate, but you used to be special. On Halloween, I used to get all hyped to see Hershey's Special Dark in the fancy gold wrapper in those bags of Hershey's miniatures (eating order was always Special Dark, Krackel, Milk Chocolate and feed Mr. Goodbar to a stranger).

But, now dark chocolate is everywhere. There's the Milky Way midnight chocolate bar, there are dark chocolate M&M's, Kit Kat (the candy of jolly construction workers) has a dark chocolate version and Reese's just came out with a dark chocolate peanut butter cup. Even fucking Raisinets has a dark chocolate version.

I recently tried the overhyped-on-TV-and-radio Reese's dark chocolate peanut butter cups. So disappointed. Of course, it tasted pretty much exactly like the milk chocolate Reese's cups. It's a convenience store candy -- not like I expected it to be made with the fanciest dark chocolate on the planet, and the cups are mostly peanut butter, after all. If blindfolded, I'm not sure one could taste the difference. And I can't help but think that milk chocolate Reese's feelings are hurt by the creation of this new, slutty dark chocolate version.

Why is every classic milk chocolate candy suddenly getting a dark chocolate makeover? Is it the news that dark chocolate has antioxidants in it? I don't care how many antioxidants dark chocolate promises to deliver, covering a sugary raisin turd in the stuff isn't going to make candy count as "good for you." And, hey candy makers, here's a newsflash: Candy's supposed to be bad for you. That's the whole point of it. Candy didn't spend all that time getting kicked off the food pyramid for you to screw it up by trying to make the stuff healthier.

Candy makers, please stop screwing with the classics. Can't we just let a Kit Kat be a Kit Kat?