Six Flavors Blue Bell Should Never Release

Categories: Lists

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It's National Ice Cream Month, which got us thinking about Texas' de facto state ice cream. Below is a list of flavors Blue Bell's R&D should strike from brainstorming sessions for fear of being force-fed ghost chili-infused Ben & Jerry's.

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Now comes with bits o' snake!
Rattlesnake: Sweetwater Rocky Roundup
This reptile may be a popular item on the Lonesome Dove menu, but blending the once-slithering-on-shit chunks in Blue Bell's frozen goodness -- perhaps with a rattle at the bottom of the quart à la mezcal worm -- is a quart too far.


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The inspiration for the failed flavor.
Armadillo: Red Velvet Armor
A red velvet armadillo grooms cake is one thing. It's actually the best part of Steel Magnolias, besides Tom Skerritt's creative bird control. Road kill in my dyed chocolate... has anyone ever seen an armadillo alive?

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Packaging is not safe for kids.
Longhorn: Bevo Peach
This cattle is the pride and joy of the Lone Star State, an arguably majestic animal best left on the grill, not endorsed by Colt McCoy.

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What Durian smells like.
Durian: Tap That Ass Special
Anything as noisome as the olfactory combination of diarrhea-exploding diaper and toe jam should be the last possible flavor of ice cream. Just because it's plentiful in Asian markets nationwide, doesn't mean durian is the new exotic "it" food.

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Also failed: new "Gulf Coast Tea" flavor
Crawfish: Mudbug Pie
A little BP crude with your crawfish sucking?

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Illegal Immigrant: Limited Edition Mojado With Jalapeño
This might going a little too far, even for City of Ate. Seriously, would you eat a flavor called Limited Edition Wetback? This ain't Arizona! We don't need billboards advertising a soylent-green tinted ass-widener on the border with Juárez.


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